Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Disturbing "Fan" Letter

I received this little note via Facebook.
salutations- a few weeks ago when i friended you i heard what i beleive was you on xm/ sirius radio on the comedy channel in my car. i think it was you, but i was tripping so hard on acid i can't be sure. the lady was talking about va-jay jay's and giving a kidney to some one. i laughed so hard i shit myself, for real. was that you? i really need to know so i can send you the bill to get my car reapolstered. you see i love indian and thai curry and that night was extra special. i was having a curry tasting party with some friends, there was green curry, yellow curry and red curry, all extra spicy. on my way home i took some acid knowing i was only 20 minutes worth of driving so i had at least an additional 30 minutes of tripping free safe time. well i got stuck in the chicago traffic for over 2 fucking hours, which may not be your fault but what happened next is. some lady with a screeching crackling voice loosened all of the spicy curry from the walls of my intestions. all the laughing i was doing made me shit all over. the worst part was that i was wearing swim trunks, without under wear on. so the netting in my trunks acted as a strainer to the liquid shit. the brown water got into my seat heater which was on to dry the butt lava, but instead it shorted it out and caused a little fire, no biggie but keep in mind i was on lsd, wearing swim trunks on a chicago highway stuck in traffic in december. i managed to get my car to the break down lane fairly easy. but when i got out of my car my built in strainer went on strike and dropped it contents on my feet. it was bad. long story short, i just got out of jail a week ago because i thought my shorts were on fire because my stomach and butt hurt so bad from laughing and i took the shorts off on the side of the highway. i was arrested for exposing my sex organ and blocking the emergency lane. true fucking story. thanks for the laugh.
My reply was short and sweet. "Sorry, it wasn't me. Send the bill to somebody else."

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