His Brain Can Be Used As A Flotation Device

Comedy colleague, Facebook friend and fellow Eagle's fan, Erin Jackson, found herself careening down an evacuation slide when her Delta flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles was forced to make an emergency landing. During take-off one of the engines caught fire. Some of the passengers reported seeing a flash. Others probably saw their lives flash before their eyes. No doubt all were sorry they read Sky Mall Magazine instead of reviewing the emergency procedures located in the seat pocket in front of them.

I left the following comment on her Facebook status update.

Scary. When I fly, I always dress for a fire... long pants, long sleeve shirt, hiking shoes and a hat. People think I'm crazy. But I'm not running from a burning plane wearing flip-flops and a dress. Glad you're okay.

A Facebook friend of hers responded.

TIL that crazy people pick their disaster scenario outfits.

BTW, "TIL" means "Today I learned." BTW, "BTW" means "By the way."

I shot back.

I'm not crazy. Countless travel articles have talked about the dangers of wearing shorts, flip flops, etc. in the event of a plane crash. Keeping fire off your skin for even a few seconds can mean the difference between life and death. I fly frequently so I have to think about these things.

He kept up the assault.

Please tell me that you also wear this uniform when you drive. You're much more likely to need to worry in a car.I (used) to fly frequently and I /never/ thought about these things. I got myself an exit row and planned to be outside of it when the time came.

Now I'm pissed but I managed to keep my cool

Erin didn't just post about being in a car accident. She posted about being in a plane that caught on fire. Hence my comment about what to wear when you fly. Don't be a jerk.

The creepy know-it-all wouldn't back down.

Traci, my brother is a pilot. I'm well aware of the risks associated with flight. My point is that if you're worried about your outfit, you'd do better to worry about your plan to get out of the plane if your concern is survival. You aren't going to be killed by fire; you're WAY more likely to be suffocated by smoke. Go and do the research.

Go and do the research?! How 'bout you go (insert appropriate curse word that begins with an "F" here) yourself?

For the record, Erin had to run away from a burning plane while wearing flip-flops.

My uniform, as Douchey McDouchebag mockingly called it, is much cuter than it sounds: black pants, jaunty cap, maroon jacket. It is, by design, practical yet stylish.

Most flyers dress so poorly they deserve to have their clothes burned off their backs. In fact, why is it the worse dressed passengers are always at baggage claim picking up the biggest suitcases? I always think, "If that's what they're wearing, what the heck is in there?!" I start to hope the suitcase is stuffed with a dead body.

Aesthetics aside, flip-flops are perhaps the worst footwear choice for flying. Certainly, you can get through airport security a millisecond faster than those of us wearing actual shoes, but it leaves your feet open to all sorts of abuse... cold, germs, crushed toes. Plus running in flip-flops is only fun if you're drunk.

And, don't get me started about having to look at a strange man's hairy toes. I saw a guy whose big toe was so hairy it looked like an Ewok!

I'm glad Erin made it out safely. As for me, I will continue to wear my uniform when I fly the friendly skies. But I think I'll pass on the inflight internet. I don't need to get into a Facebook feud at 30,000 feet.