Check Yes Or No

As you can imagine, security on cruise ships is quite tight. Just like in an airport, shoes are scanned, luggage is checked and passports are examined. But there is one little difference. Performers on cruise ships-- and perhaps the passengers as well but I wouldn't know-- are asked a strange and unexpected question.

Have you had diarrhea within the past 24 hours?

Um, no.

You would think a simple denial would suffice but performers are asked to sign an affidavit swearing that no diarrhea has left their person in the previous day.

Then we're shuttled about 20 feet over to another security guard who asks us the same question.

Have you had diarrhea within the past 24 hours?

I wanted to say, "Well, unless I shit my pants as I was crossing the room, the answer is still no." Instead I said, "Um, no."

I'm not sure why we're asked twice. Is to catch somebody in a lie? "Oh, you said diarrhea? I thought you said gonorrhea!"

Not sure what would happen if I said yes to diarrhea... or gonorrhea for that matter. I guess they wouldn't let me on the ship.

But, they have to understand, I'm Scottish and Scots are notoriously shy when it comes to all things defecation. I'm not sure I could tell them even if it were true.

I'm at the airport right now. I sure hope another passenger is looking over my shoulder as I typed diarrhea, gonorrhea and defecate into spell check. Especially if it's somebody who is sitting next to me on the flight.