I'm Back... I Think

For the past few weeks, my brain has been scrambled but not in a fluffy, eggy kind of way.

Arm pain, traveling and high-pressure gigs have all contributed to my lack of focus on anything other than arm pain, traveling and high-pressure gigs.

Even Tweeting is overwhelming. You know things are bad when 140 characters seems like too much to handle.

I will be spending all of May at home. (Unless, of course, we go on a much needed vacation.) It is hoped I can regroup, re-energize and "re" all the other things I need to "re."

GERD Girl

Since my GERD symptoms decreased dramatically on a low-carb diet, I am now going to attempt a gluten-free lifestyle. Could a gluten intolerance be the reason for 35 years of stomach problems? If it is, I'm going to fire up the time machine and punch out a few doctors.

Two Legs Good. Four Legs Better.

When visiting Washington State, be sure to cruise along the Columbia River Gorge, sample the local wine and spend a romantic afternoon at a local bestiality farm.

A British tourist has been arrested in a raid on what US investigators said was a “bestiality farm”.

Assistant US attorney Susan Roe said Stephen Clarke, 51, of Peterborough, Cambs, had admitted bestiality offences to police.

Clarke was arrested with Douglas Spink, 39, who was running the farm in Washington state in which visitors could engage in sickening sex acts with animals.

Talk about your heavy petting zoo!

It was not immediately clear whether other zoophilic tourists had been to Spink’s farm, but Ms Roe said: “I expect there may have been other people visiting the property.”

When you call them "zoophilic tourists" it doesn't really sound all that bad. Can't we just say "it's not clear whether other creepy guys who like to do the nasty with Lassie and Mr. Ed" had been to Spink's farm. Call me crazy, but isn't this the perfect time to pull out the word perverted. I'm no prude, but if you'd rather be on Noah's Ark than at the Playboy Mansion, you are officially a certifiable perv!

Spink, like most other sexual deviants, thinks what he does has a higher purpose.

He calls his operation Exitpoint Stallions and expounds at length on its website about his philosophy. “Are we unconventional in our approach to stallion care? Absolutely,” he writes.

He later adds: “We don’t wall off sexual energy in our stallions as something dangerous or inappropriate, but rather channel that energy towards positive, safe, appropriate paths.

“There’s a proper time and place for it, and we work towards those sorts of skills rather than fighting unwinnable fights against deeply-rooted instincts.”

No, riding bare back is unconventional. Sticking your bare back in a stallion's face is just plain gross.

To quote Bugs Bunny, "What a couple of maroons." I'd like to see this weirdos try to put the moves on Bugs Bunny. They'd have an ACME rocket up their asses so fast their heads would spin.

Los Angeles

I woke up drunk this morning. Of course, I went to bed drunk last night which might explain why I woke up drunk this morning.

This most recent LA trip was amazing but I'm not legally permitted to talk about most of what we did which is good because I'm too exhausted to talk about most of what we did.

Off to Phoenix for a few days of daddy visiting before heading home.

Boobs With Boobs

Sooooooooooo, two dozen women in Portland, Maine march topless in the street to protest what "they see as a double standard on male and female nudity" and then complain because men are staring at them?

That's like entering a lion's cage wearing a meat suit then complaining because the cat bit off your leg.

Ty McDowell, who organized the march, said she was "enraged" by the turnout of men attracted to the demonstration. The purpose, she said, was for society to have the same reaction to a woman walking around topless as it does to men without shirts on.

However, McDowell said she plans to organize similar demonstrations in the future and said she would be more "aggressive" in discouraging oglers.

When I first read that Ty McDowell was "enraged", I laughed out loud, rolled my eyes, said the word "unbelievable" at least a half dozen times, shook my head more than once, then laughed out loud again.

McDowell's lack of insight into the American male psyche is astounding.

Men are tickled to see a naked woman in a place where they never would expect to see a naked woman. A street corner is one of those places. Had these same men seen 24 naked women in the waiting room of a gynecologist's office, at a nude beach or in a strip joint, they would not have cheered and whipped out their cameras.

It's about context, stupid.

Personally, I don't want American society to "have the same reaction to a woman walking around topless as it does to men without shirts on." Honestly, I'd be happy if more men kept their shirts on in public.

In fact, I think we should replace the ridiculous "Give us your tired, your poor and your hungry..." nonsense from the Statue of Liberty with the brilliant words, "No shirt. No shoes. No service."

Chris Kanyon

Sad news.

Former WCW and WWE tag team champion Chris Kanyon has died.

The popular 40-year-old wrestler, real name Christopher Klucsaritis, is believed to have committed suicide.

His body was found Saturday at his apartment in New York.

Kanyon had overdosed on medication, with early reports indicating he had taken his own life after leaving a pill bottle and several notes close by.

The gay star suffered from bipolar disorder and had previously spoken about killing himself.

I met Chris a few years ago at the Punchline in Atlanta, Georgia. After the show, we sat at the bar, discussing his wrestling career, battles with depression and homosexuality.


He was a very sweet man. I'm so very sorry he didn't find the happiness he was seeking.

Bruce And Dick's Day Off

Here's a short video starring my buddy, John DiCrosta. You'll never watch Batman and Robin the same way again.