Land of Lincoln

This past weekend we were working in Springfield, Illinois. In between, thrift shopping, napping and eating, we took time to visit Abraham Lincoln's house.

This was the house Lincoln shared with his wife and kids prior to moving to the White House. He may have grown up in a log cabin, but the Abe-ster made a nice little life for himself as an adult. Add a little indoor plumbing and I'd live in it today.


Lincoln's desk... the real one, not a reproduction.


The formal living room where Lincoln accepted the Republican nomination for president.


Can you believe one of his neighbors supported Stephen Douglas? What a douche! It now houses the office of Dick Durbin. What a douche!


A campaign log cabin on wheels. Lincoln was change we could believe in.



The most photographed view of Lincoln's house. In the back, there were three pots in the outhouse. Which just made us wonder, did three people use it at the same time? Must have been some crazy parties at the ol' Lincoln homestead!

Photo credit: Brian McKim

Pork: It's What's For After Dinner

Argentinians are lucky. Our president spends all his time talking about the economy and healthcare and how everything is Bush's fault and all sorts of other things that cause his cabinet members to fall asleep during his speeches.

Their president talks about pork... and porking.

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) -- Argentina's president thinks eating pig meat is really sexy.

Many people in this beef-loving nation reacted with surprise Thursday after Cristina Fernandez promoted pork in a speech during which she not only said pork is better than Viagra, but suggested she's personally proven it.

"I didn't know that eating pork improved sexual activity," Fernandez said in a meeting with representatives of the swine industry late Wednesday. "It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra."

Kind of gives the phrase pulled pork a whole new meaning.

But, if the other white meat leads to a better sex life, I guess Argentinians can rule out ever having sex with Jews.

Hmmmm... didn't a lot of Nazis flee to Argentina after the WWII?

I'm just sayin' is all.

A WTF?! Moment

Chris "I felt this thrill going up my leg" Matthews has done it again. This time he said of President Obama, "I forgot he was black for an hour." Which is weird since the President spoke for 75 minutes. You've got to wonder during which part of the speech Matthews thought Obama was blacker than ever.



It'll be interesting to see if Matthews can dodge the racist bullet. I'm guessing he'll be protected by the double standard shield.

But, if we are to use his thought process, we can make all kinds of weird statements about everybody in Washington.

"I forgot Nancy Pelosi was a chick for an hour."

"I forgot Joe Biden was a gaffe machine for an hour."

"I forgot Senator Byrd was a Klan Member for an hour."

Come on! Let's play! It's fun.

"I forgot Barney Frank was gay for an hour."

"I forgot Bob Menendez looks like a tiny Cuban mouse for an hour."

"I forgot..."

TOTUS Strikes Again!

You would think by now the President would learn what makes a good photo op. This looks more like a set from a Saturday Night Live sketch.

At first, it was reported that POTUS used the teleprompters to address 6th graders. Turns out, he was boring reporters who were sitting in tiny little elementary school chairs.

His supporters are jumping up and down, screaming, "See! See! You were wrong! He wasn't speaking to kids, he was speaking to adults!"

And why did he need a teleprompter to talk to adults?



Here I am delivering my 6th grade graduation speech to adults. Note the absence of any teleprompters. In fact, I never even looked at my notes.

The Specter Of Chauvinism

If there were a Sexism Hall Of Fame-- and, if there were, who wouldn't buy a Sexism Hall Of Fame spoonrest from the gift shop?-- Arlen Specter would be inducted into the 2010 class.

In a moment that can only be compared to Sean Connery's infamous "Sometimes, it's okay to schlap a woman" gaffe, the former Republican, now Democrat, soon to be unemployed, Senator from Pennsylvania, threw a testosterone-fueled hand grenade at Rep. Michele Bachmann when he said during a radio debate, "I'll treat you like a lady. Now act like one."

Apparently, Specter is now caucusing with the chauvinists.

Bachmann, who must have thought she was in an episode of "Mad Men", miraculously kept her cool. Specter, who no doubt drives a hybrid wayback machine, unbelievably lobbed the L-word a second time.

Again, Bachmann would only say, "Well, I am a lady."



Specter has since left messages on Bachmann's answering machine asking her for forgiveness. I'm guessing his apology was accompanied by a little heavy breathing.

Bachmann, ever the lady, has accepted.

Of course, had Bachmann been a Democrat and Specter still an evil Republican, this whole episode would have played out very differently.

Keith Olbermann would have named Specter The Worst Person In The World. Claire McCaskill would have appeared on the Sunday talking head shows, demanding that Specter's resign or at least subject himself to sensitivity training. Michelle Obama would have invited Specter and Bachmann to the White House for a Chardonnay Summit.

Rage Against The Machine would have appeared on the Grammy's wearing Arlen Specter with a Hitler mustache T-shirts.

Janeane Garofalo would have exploded.

But, since our "victim" is an R and the "offender" a recently-converted D, any and all criticism came from the right. In fact, even some left-leaning babes, defended him.

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, "I was angry with him over the Thomas-Hill hearings," said former State Sen. Connie Williams of Montgomery County. "But I forgave him, because of all he has done for women on every other front. In supporting the Violence Against Women Act, choice, NIH funding, equal pay, and other concerns, Arlen Specter has been there for the women of Pennsylvania."

Yes, Arlen Specter is there for the women of Pennsylvania. As long as they act like ladies.

The End Of Keith Olberman?

Oh, we can only hope.

I used to love Olberman back in the late '80's when he was a local LA sportscaster and we were residents of Burbank, California. Back then, he was actually funny. Now, however, he is so blinded by rage that he's completely lost any subtle sense of humor he once had.

He's even too much for Jon Stewart.

Oh, Daddy!

During his acceptance speech on Tuesday night, Senator-elect, Scott Brown playfully said his beautiful, adult daughters were "available."

As you can see in the video, everybody laughed. His wife and his youngest daughter howled harder than anybody.

It was an innocent, family moment. But, the Bill Maher-ish, sex-obsessed folks on the left are try to portray it as something sleezy in order to gain some kind of political advantage.



On blogs, TV, radio and, even comment sections on You Tube, the words "pimping", "whoring" and "prostitution" are being tossed around more often than an episode of HBO's Cathouse.

This, of course, is all being done by a group of sore losers who know this couldn't be further from the truth.

The overwhelming majority of us-- including these self-serving nimrods who feign outrage-- have all been embarrassed by a relative at a wedding or a funeral or Thanksgiving dinner who tries to find us a "mate." "My son is single, you know." "My nephew is quite the catch." And yes, "My beautiful daughter has recently become available."

It has nothing to do with offering up a younger member of the family for sexual favors.

Scott Brown did not recreate the infamous scene from Pretty Baby where a pre-teen Brooke Sheilds is carried around on a platter and sold to the highest bidder. He merely did what many fathers do: he tried to find a boyfriend for his little girls.

Of course, uber-left Keith Olberman said of the Massachusetts Senator, "In Scott Brown we have an irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, teabagging supporter of violence against woman and against politicians with whom he disagrees."

As opposed to Ted Kennedy, who was a "drunken, irresponsible, womanizer, murderer who, thank goodness, was not an ex-nude model, but I'm guessing really loved teabagging."

Methinks Olberman has a man-crush on the ex-nude model. And I think the people who are portraying Brown as a creepy, old guy, secretly want to sleep with the Brown sisters even thought they'd hate themselves because they're both evil Republicans. It's all about projection.

I really believe, however, that they're lying because... well... they can.

The Daily Caller

I have an opinion piece up on The Daily Caller. I'm on top of Juan Williams which is something I never thought I would say.

When it comes to the Earth sciences, I’m about as dumbfounded as Jessica Simpson opening a can of tuna. Or was it chicken?

That's the opening two lines. Intriguing, no?

It's all about Haiti, Pat Robertson and Danny Glover. Those two men are batshit crazy.

Change We Can Believe In

Ted Kennedy, who?

If Scott Brown really wants to be the first Republican Senator from Massachusetts since Edward Brooke (who was the kind of "light-skinned black man" favored by Harry Reid), then he should put this 1986 Cosmo centerfold of himself in every polling booth. Oh sure, voting would take a little longer but I think even his opponent Martha Coakley would throw her support behind him after staring at his strategically placed hand for a few minutes. At the very least, she would try to pull the lever.



Now, I'm not one of those cougar babes who chooses a candidate based on Matinee-idol good looks or the 1980's equivalent of six-pack abs, but a little beauty in the Senate couldn't hurt. I'm from New Jersey. I hope I die without ever seeing Frank Lautenberg's pubes. Ick. That is one magic carpet ride I don't ever want to take.

The Song Does Not Remain The Same

Last night, after torturing ourselves for two excruciating hours while watching The Hangover (seriously, those guys were way too old for that kind of nonsense) we saved the night by loading the documentary It Might Get Loud into our DVD player.

And, yes, it did get loud. But when Jimmy Page, Jack White (not to be confused with Jack Black, the rotund, overrated musical comedian) and The Edge talk about and play guitars, who cares about the volume? Well, maybe our neighbors.

As the closing credits rolled, I sent a Tweet to cyber friend, Ed Driscoll who I knew would love the film. He sent me back a link to an old Conan O'Brien Led Zeppelin bit.



I had no idea Andy Richter could play the guitar. Now I like him even more.

The Tonight Show With ?

It's been a bad week for funny white guys. Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly have been forced into a multi-million dollar game of musical chairs while Jeff Zucker in a dunce cap lifts the phonograph needle off a 1975 Judy Collins' recording of "Send In The Clowns."

Zucker-- who must feel like a tiny gerbil in a giant wheel-- formulated an evil genius plan to compensate for his historically royal screw-up by proposing moving Leno to 11:30, O'Brien to 12:05 and Fallon to 1:05. When asked about the future of Carson Daly, Zucker replied with some surprise, "Is he still alive?"

Carson Daly-- who is about as exciting as a slug in a sensory deprivation tank-- has the hyper-ignominy of not even being mentioned in the debacle. I suppose he can always return to his previous job as one of the animatronic Presidents at Disneyworld.

Yesterday, O'Brien announced that NBC will have to pry the 11:30 time slot out of his cold, dead hands... or something like that. Leno and Fallon have been strangely silent. Fallon, no doubt, is at Kinko's printing out updated resumes.



David Letterman, in the meantime, has taken a break from his Sarah Palin bashing to revel in the late night unrest. He hasn't had this much fun since the last group of female interns arrived at Rockefeller Center.

So, in an effort to make everybody at NBC happy, Sucker-- I mean, Zucker-- has only succeeded in making everybody at CBS happy.

But, just like when Hugh Hefner had to cut back from eight blond girlfriends to a more manageable three, one of the four hosts will have to go.

The question remains, which one will be the odd man out. Which white guy will have to finally hang up his "Bush is dumb"/"Cheney is evil" jokes, even though they should have been abandoned 13 months ago?

My guess, Conan will be the first one to call U-Haul.

Perhaps the ultra-liberal Zucker should use this TV calamity to look inward. As a registered Democrat, if he is indeed all about diversity, then why are there four incredibly pale dudes battling it out for spots on his network.

I don't believe in comedy affirmative action, but with all the funny women and minorities crawling all over this country it would have been fairly easy to find a suitable late night host among the group. At the very least, a conservative white guy-- Dennis Miller maybe-- would add another point of view.

The peacock, however, would rather act more like an ostrich and bury its head in the sand.

If there is any justice in this crazy world we call television, Jeff Zucker will be declared The Biggest Loser.

Americans Aren't Haters When It Comes To Haiti

In July, 2009, The US State Department issued a warning to American citizens traveling to Haiti.

U.S. citizens traveling to and residing in Haiti despite this warning are reminded that there also is persistent danger of violent crime, especially kidnappings. Most kidnappings are criminal in nature, and the kidnappers make no distinctions of nationality, race, gender, or age. The incidence of kidnapping in Haiti has diminished from its peak in 2006 when 60 Americans were reported kidnapped. As of July 2009, one American had been reported kidnapped this year. In 2008, 27 Americans were reported kidnapped. Most of the Americans were abducted in Haiti's two largest cities, Port-au-Prince and Cap Haitien. Some kidnap victims have been killed, shot, sexually assaulted, or physically abused. While the capacity and capabilities of the Haitian National Police have improved since 2006, the presence of UN stabilization force (MINUSTAH) peacekeeping troops and UN-formed police units remain critical to maintaining an adequate level of security throughout the country. The lack of civil protections in Haiti, as well as the limited capability of local law enforcement to resolve crime, further compounds the security threat to American citizens.

Normally, Americans would be long-term peeved at any country who kidnapped, sexually assaulted and murdered our fellow citizens. Yet, only hours after Haiti was devastated by a massive earthquake, both Facebook and Twitter were abuzz with information on how to donate money to the Haitians who are suffering.

Over the next few days, Americans-- as they always do-- will send millions of dollars to people in need.

We are a good country, filled with generous people. If somebody tells you otherwise then they probably work for MSNBC.

The New New New Stepford Wife

First, there was the robot dog and now there's a robot that will do it doggie style.

The world's first "sexbot" — a life-sized rubber doll named Roxxxy who can chat about football — has been unveiled.

It's about time. For years, lonely drunks at the end of the bar have been slurring, after 10 or 12 beers, "They can put a man on the moon, but they can't invent a sports-loving sex robot."

Finally, their alcohol-fueled prayers have been answered.

Roxxxy (only a slutty robot would have three X's in her name) has "impressive, flesh-like, synthetic skin" (during the winter months, so do I), "artificial intelligence (which does not mean she went to community college) and a "fake skeleton, letting her move like a REAL woman" (and I thought guys only liked fake boobs... silly me).

Prospective owners can pick from the five different "personalities" depending on their individual preference.

There is Wild Wendy - who is outgoing and adventurous, Frigid Farah - who is reserved and shy, Mature Martha and S&M Susan - available for more adventurous types.

Interesting, since the prospective owners only have one personality in real life-- Larry the Loser.

The cost for this chatty sexbot is in the $7,000-$9,000 range. I bet these guys have never spent that much money on a real woman-- you know, one without a fake skeleton-- during their entire pathetic life span.

Now, I understand a man's need for sexual release-- adult book stores, strippers and prostitutes all have their place in society (usually out by the airport)-- and I will even try not to judge a dude who mail orders an inflatable doll (although after having a balloon blow up in my face, I'm not sure why he would want one.)

But, when a robot tries to take the place of a human woman I have to draw the line.

Mr Hines, from TrueCompanion, said the doll could carry out simple conversations and was designed to "know exactly what you like".

He said: "Sex only goes so far, then you want to be able to talk to the person.

Might I suggest talking to a therapist instead.

Dining (Or "Dinning" According To The Restaurant Website) In DC

On the way home from our Virginia gig, hubby and I stopped off in DC to have lunch with the blogger formerly known as Jim Treacher.

I say "formerly" because now that "Treacher" is working for Tucker Carlson's new blog, he may start using his real name.

The Daily Caller-- or as some folks are calling it Tuck Post-- goes live on Monday.

Hiring Treacher was a good move on Carlson's part. Having a wildly funny writer with an always interesting take on politics as a member of your staff can only do good things for the cyber publication.

Plus Treacher is a really nice guy. Good luck to everybody over at The Daily Caller. Maybe all of you will actually get a good night's sleep soon.

What Happens 150 Miles North Of Las Vegas, Stays...

It's a great day for women's rights! Nevada is about to approve its first legal male prostitute... for women. Not for gay guys, but for chicks! A dude who services babes for bucks! Finally, were are equal to men in every horrible, sleazy way imaginable!

My vagina is red from embarrassment.

The brothel 150 miles northwest of Las Vegas won final approval on Tuesday for its plans to hire men and start servicing women.

To paraphrase Paris Hilton, servicing is hot.

The Nye County Licensing and Liquor Board signed off on a compliance agreement that will allow for the practice to take place so long as the male sex workers wear condoms and undergo weekly health tests.

Didn't anybody on the Nye County Licensing and Liquor Board ever rent Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo?



The folks who operate the Shady Lady (what self-respecting male whore is going to want to work at a place called the Shady Lady) have the permission, now they must find the right man for the job.

Ideally, he said, they are looking for handsome men who are not too old and not too young. At the minimum, they need men who are ready to "entertain whatever lady walks in and be able to give her a fine experience," he said.

A fine experience? Hey pal, I'm not paying for a fine experience. This ain't Driving Miss Daisy!

To make matters worse, they're calling this not-yet-hired man of the night, the prostidude. Personally, I prefer TJ Hooker.

Ladies, don't do it. You don't need to pay for sex. Really, you can just stick your head outside and ask for some. The fat, tacky, horrible women on Maury all have so many lovers they need to have paternity tests done on national television just to see which one fathered their baby.

But,if you do want to pay for a fine experience make sure you give the guy Susan B. Anthony coins. I mean, this is what she marched for, right?

You're So Vain You Probably Think This Post Is About You

Patrick Goldstein in the LA Times really should have put down his penis and picked up a calculator when writing about the new Peter Biskind biography of Warren Beatty.

Warren-beatty According to Biskind, who caused a similar media maelstrom with his 1998 book, "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" -- about the excesses of '60s filmmakers -- it wasn't all that hard, based on "simple arithmetic," to come up with a perfectly plausible guesstimate. According to the Post, Biskind estimates the bedded-by-Beatty women figure at "12,775, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on."

First of all, no adult male-- gay or straight-- should ever use the word "guesstimate."

Secondly, some simple math would prove that Biskind's "guesstimate" is shitdiculous.

There is no way Warren Beatty managed to have sex with 12,775 different woman. If he did, I'll eat my cervical cap.

Let's go to the chalkboard.

Beatty, who was born in 1937, claims to have lost his virginity at the age of 20. In 1992, he married Annette Benning and had four children. Assuming he didn't go all Tiger Woods on her ass and actually remained faithful to his family, we are dealing with a time period between 1957 and 1992. That's a span of 35 years.

In order to have intercourse with 12,775 different women in 35 years, Warren Beatty would have had to convince 365 women per year to go to bed with him. That's an average of one woman per day.

One woman per day... every day... for 35 years. Maybe the occasional threesome or orgy could give him a long weekend off while still maintaining his average but, not even the great Warren Beatty can keep up those kinds of numbers. Over the years, I'm sure he got sick every now and then. Any man who has every had the stomach flu knows it's impossible to bed down a strange woman when you have multi-port ejection.

Factor in his very public long-term relationships and the assertion seems even more ludicrous.

But the LA Times and the New York Post would rather get a vicarious thrill than call the author out on his nonsense.

And if you can work in a Wilt Chamberlain reference, all the better.

Passionate Mistakes

I've been practicing my guitar by playing-- and by "playing" I mean butchering-- a lot-- and by "a lot" I mean three-- Lucinda Williams songs.

Last week, a friend asked me when I was going to take my guitar up on stage with me. I think the word "never" quickly spat out of my mouth along with some chamomile tea and masticated Christmas cookies.

I'm a standup comic, not a musician. Telling dick jokes is one thing, cursing between chord changes while I try to sing a song about dicks is just too scary to contemplate. What if I screwed up? What would I do?

Then I found this YouTube video of Lucinda Williams... screwing up... royally. Like a pro, she handled her mistake the same way I cope when a joke bombs or I forget a set-up or I repeat something I had already said earlier in my act. She acknowledged the mistake, kept her sense of humor and moved on.



Audiences are a forgiving people if they sense you're genuine and in control. But, let's be honest, there's no way they should have forgiven those pants.

Hit Girl... I'd Rather Hit The Director

Very few things in life leave me speechless: having my ass grabbed at a buffet table by a man who is not my husband, unexpectedly receiving an extravagant gift, Michelle Obama's entire wardrobe.

But now we can add the new Nicholas Cage movie "Hit Girl" to my list of jaw-dropping events.

The link to this trailer started circulating on Twitter by a Tweeter who actually thought it was funny. I quickly regained faith in humanity when I discovered many folks had the same reaction as me.

Funny? I know funny. Funny pays my rent, puts food on my table and causes me to lose most of my friends. Adding the theme song from the awful Saturday morning TV show "The Banana Splits" under images of a fouth-mouthed tween brutally killing adults is not funny. It's Hannah Barbaric!



This next clip actually made me sick to my stomach. My maternal instinct kicked into hyper drive and I swore my ovaries threw up in my mouth a little.



Kind of makes you long for the cartoon violence of "Home Alone." This is more like "Home Alone" if it was directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Oh sure, I'm all about free speech, quirky humor and pushing boundaries but this movie already is too much for me to handle and I've only seen three minutes of the flick.

I have an idea, why don't we just make a snuff film with Hannah Montana? If we include the Brady Bunch theme song in the soundtrack it'll be hilaaaaaaaaaaarious!