The oldest American, Mary Josephine Ray passed away after roaming this Earth for 114 years and 294 days. The second runner-up, who has now been crowned the oldest American (since Mary Josephine Ray can no longer fulfill her duties, for obvious reasons) is Neva Morris, of Ames, Iowa, at the ripe young age of 114 years, 216 days.
I'm happy for Neva Morris. Can you imagine how awful it's been for her to know that she only missed out the title of Oldest American by a mere 78 days? I hope she enjoys her new found position. Although, how can she ever really feel comfortable with a bunch of 113-year-olds breathing (albeit laboredly) down her neck.
I don't think I want to live to be 114. That would mean I would be alive for another 70 years. I wouldn't die until 2080!
Some time around 2050, I'm going to completely let myself go. I'll overeat, drink staggering amounts of alcohol and only leave my bed when I jump out of a plane on each birthday.
At least if I live to 114, I'll die as the oldest, fattest, drunkest, laziest daredevil in America. Take that you pussy 113-year-olds!