2009 Traci Skene Highlights

This time last year, my anxiety level was at Def Con Charlie. I was still reeling from all the personal tragedy we had to deal with in 2008 plus I was frightened by what a President Obama and his Marxist friends might do to our country. I was Glenn Beck-ian in the tear department.

But, instead of weeping my way through a bad economy, I decided instead to take charge. Rather than sit back and wait for the worst, I forced myself to make good things happen. And good things happened indeed.

Here are some of my highlights-- large and small, personal and professional-- from 2009 and, yes, I blogged about them all as they happened.

1. 9/12 March on Washington : Sure we almost got killed by a Chinese bus driver, but gathering with our fellow "Tea Baggers" was a giant middle finger to the Janeane Garofalo's of the world.

2. Blogworld : The Beatles LOVE and drinking vodka with Vodka Pundit Stephen Green turned the three-day event from a networking businessy type thingy to a mini-vacation.

3. The Big Island : Speaking of vacations, yes we took one! Not a business vacation or a "vacation" with the family but a real live adult, almost like a honeymoon vacation. It still makes me smile.

4. Meeting Shecky Greene : As one of the co-founders of SHECKYmagazine.com it was imperative that we meet the man, the myth, the legend in the flesh. What a great night! This past October, I also got to hang out with two of my other comedy idols, Larry Miller and Gary Shandling. Very very cool!

5. Spring Training : I finally realized a life long dream of attending a spring training baseball game. But it's absolutely ridiculous that I waited so long to make it happen. In fact, since my real dream is to see the Phillies play in Clearwater, Florida, I'm determined to go in 2010. Phils/Yankees tickets go on sale January 14!

6. Lying About: Standup : We had the idea for a Recline-O-Cast for quite some time but didn't have the time or the mental energy to realize our vision until last year. Unfortunately, we quickly ran out of time so we didn't properly promote the three we shot, but checking something off your To-Do list is an accomplishment in itself.

7. Bought A Guitar : Actually, now we have three. I was determined at the ripe old age of 44 to learn something new. Then I decided to force my husband to learn something new with me. So far, I can only play one Lucinda Williams song without cursing between chord changes but considering I couldn't make any listenable sound a few weeks ago, I consider it progress. I can't wait to write my first Nancy Pelosi song.

8. Being A Good Daughter : We were able to arrange our schedule this year to visit my dad five times at his new house in Phoenix. I am seriously into the Sun City over-55 lifestyle.

9. Writing Political Humor : I did much more of it in 2009 than I had in the past. I think my favorite post was Top Ten Liberal Guys I'd Hate To Filibuster.

10. Ode To Joy : While losing my friend Joy to pancreatic cancer certainly wasn't a highlight, mourning a death does always help you appreciate life. Plus it brings out the best in some of the survivors.

Now, I'm going to put on comfy pants, crack open a bottle of wine and ring in the new year sitting on the couch with my hubby.

May you all have a healthy, happy and prosperous new year.

Holiday Entertaining

In the old days, when you said, "I've been a regular Martha Stewart this Christmas" people imagined you making ginger bread nativity scenes, decorating the tree with pomegranates and basting a turkey with a brush made from fresh rosemary. Now, folks think you spent the holiday sitting in a cell, wearing a crocheted poncho, desperately trying to distract a butchy woman named Ruth with origami birds of paradise.

So, instead I say I'm a "regular B Smith" but only African-Americans and QVC watchers understand the reference. (I really need to hang out with more blacks and shut-ins.)

We did entertain quite a bit this past week. In fact, we had dinner guests three of the last five nights.

Since Christmas Eve, I have consumed a year's worth of alcohol, cookies and cheese. I owe my GERD a vacation.

It all started with ham and potato salad at my aunt's house. Christmas Day we cooked prime rib and homemade pierogi. Sunday and Tuesday we served chicken and pork burritos. In between there was lots of goat cheese, roasted red peppers, various kinds of chips and crackers, processed meat logs, deviled eggs, George Dickle bourbon and Gnarley Head cabernet. And the cookies... those damn cookies!!!

I'd like to detox but I think the mirth and merriment isn't over yet.

January 4 will be a day of low sodium broth, green tea and Activia. In the meantime, I'll run, lift weights and do pilates, hoping to keep the damage to a manageable level.

Christmas Wrapping

Since I do my very best each holiday season to avoid any Christmas song recorded after 1965, I often miss one of the few modern tunes I actually like. The Waitresses recorded this unconventional classic back in 1981.

I found this interesting video on YouTube.



Sadly, lead singer Patty Donahue died from lung cancer in 1996 at age 40.

The Grinches Who Almost Stole Christmas

For the past two days, I came dangerously close to letting 60 members of the U.S. Senate ruin my Christmas. For much of Sunday and Monday, I couldn't decide if I was more angry, depressed or frightened.

Obamacare is wrong on so many levels but, as an uninsured American, I am stunned and appalled by the clearly unconstitutional provision that forces us to purchase health insurance or face fines and possible jail time.

I used Twitter to vent my frustration.

Forcing people to buy health insurance is unconstitutional so I guess I'll be spending next Xmas in jail...Martha Stewart style!

Dear Santa, Please put coal in Harry Reid's stocking... then hit him on the back of the head with it. Thank you, Traci

Why aren't conservative pundits angrier? Stop using such wussy phrases as "The proof is in the pudding." This is 2009 not 1609!

If our govt arrests me for not paying the health insurance fine, I hope they send me to Gitmo. Nice weather and no terrorists.

I wasn't pissy the whole time. We were, after all, in the middle of the second worst snow storm since Philadelphia started keeping such records so the epic amounts of white stuff proved to be a good distraction.

When my husband threatened to wash my face with snow, I said, "I would forgive you for having affairs with 14 women faster than I would forgive you for shoving snow in my face." He said, "I'll keep that in mind."

Hubby, of course, continues his annual tradition of spoiling every Christmas song line by line. Today he said, "A dolly for Sue? Just how big is Sue that she needs to be moved around with a dolly?"

So, after a brief lull, I am fully back in Christmas mode. I'm baking cookies, drinking wine and planning the holiday feast. I better enjoy it while I can. This could be my last Christmas as a free woman.

It's A Wonderful Life...

...unless you're an unmarried librarian.

This is my absolute favorite scene from one of my all-time favorite films. Poor Clarence has to tell George the worst possible news... because he was never born, Mary is now an employed old-maid. That's right, being a single, working woman is a fate so horrible, not even an angel sent from God can stomach the truth.



She's just about to close up the library! Classic.

Mr. Hundred And One

Exclusive video from the United Nations Climate Change Conference.

It's Not About The Climate, Stupid.

While Hugo Chavez enjoyed a standing ovation in Copenhagen for calling capitalism "the road to hell," throngs of useful idiots gathered outside for a good old fashion Commiepalooza.



Normally, I wouldn't judge the entire global warming movement by a fringe group of extremists. But, the reception inside the hall for Chavez and other anti-capitalist thugs make me suspect these groups aren't extreme at all. Methinks I could have made a capitalist-pig fortune selling Che Guevara T-shirts... inside the hall and out.

Snuggie for Terrorists!

Photoshop credit: Brian McKim

It's nice to have a husband (Brian McKim) who doesn't mind wasting his precious time realizing my ridiculous vision.

Lord Monckton Is Da Man!

Most Fascinating Person?

For some inexplicable reason, I found myself sitting in front of the television last night watching Barbara Walters count down the Ten Most Fascinating People. I quickly realized that if I'm sitting in front of the television watching Barbara Walters countdown the Ten Most Fascinating People then I must not be the least bit fascinating.

No surprise, our first lady, Michelle Obama (who I continue to maintain is a victim of the soft bigotry of low fashion expectations) topped the list. In this gripping and insightful interview, she discusses how resentment of her husband led to her "famously toned arms."

“[Malia] was still waking up for that four o’clock feeding and I’d get up because I’d be the first one to hear her, and he’d be asleep. And I thought, ‘I’m up, I might as well go to the gym. And if I get to the gym, then he’ll have to wake up and do that feeding. I get a workout in and everyone will be happy."

He'll have to wake up and do that feeding? Yikes! Let's translate: "Get up you lazy bum and feed that damn kid. I'm off for some me time."

Can you say, "Bitchy?"

Little Tiger

It's always fun to look back at the childhood of an adult who has screwed up in a spectacular fashion.

In this famous Mike Douglas Show clip, a two-year-old Tiger Woods impresses Bob Hope and Jimmy Stewart with his golf prowess. Fast forward to 2010 and Tiger Woods is catching more tail than... Bob Hope on a USO tour.



It's interesting to listen to folks who feel a desperate need to defend Tiger. Some have even gone as far as calling his wife a prostitute because she will ultimately gain financially from these embarrassing and painful events.

I think what Tiger did to his wife and kids is unconscionable. He could have remained a single, partying playboy but instead he made promises to his wife and children which he failed to keep.

Tiger's daughter is currently the same age as Tiger was in the clip. How tragic it would have been if Earl Woods had banged Joey Heatherton in the Mike Douglas green room leading to the break-up of the Woods family. Tiger would have then grown up without a father. He would have grown up without the daily influence of the man who so clearly had the most impact on his life.

Tiger's kids should be raised by Tiger. But who could blame his wife for packing up the tots and leaving town.

I hope all that crazy sex was worth ruining the lives of two innocent children.

Honey, What Did You Learn In School Today?

Remember when we used to sit in the back of biology class and giggle at the line drawings of a man's penis? Well, those heady, innocent days are over, my friend. Todays kids can learn about the swallowing, fisting and pre-schooler on pre-schooler sex.

It's enough to make you want to shower... but not in the high school locker room. I shudder to think what's going on in there!

The folks at Big Government have released audio tapes from a 2000 GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) conference headed by President Obama's current Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jennings. This goes way beyond teaching teens how to put a condom on a banana.



It makes Joycelyn Elders' promotion of masturbation look about as innocent as Steve Burns' hints on Blues Clues.

Gay teens, straight teens and nerds who have no chance of ever getting laid teens should not be spoonfed (for all I know that's a new sexual position I am not aware of) sexually graphic material by adults. At the very least, it's creepy.

Aside from the basics, teens should be left to figure out all this sex stuff on their own. Bra clasp fumbling, accidental tongue chomping and dry humping used to be a right of passage. Now a kid goes to the sophomore dance knowing the correct technique for fisting.

How did we go from preventing teen pregnancy to this?

The Tick Vs. Justice

Anybody who is upset about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed being tried in New York should watch this episode of the 1991 show The Tick. Superhero Tick is perplexed when our judicial system seems to favor the evil Destroyo who is clearly guilty.

The full half-hour can be seen on Hulu. However, I managed to find a "minisode" on YouTube that cooks this particular installment down to a mere five minutes.

Alex's Mom Has Got It Goin' On

In an interview with the Advocate or as I like to call it Gay People (I'd call the Advocate the Gay New York Times but the New York Times is the Gay New York Times) Family Ties matriarch, Meredith Baxter uses the "L" word to describe herself.

I think I speak for the overwhelming majority of Americans when I say, "Who cares?"

And I mean that in the best possible way.



In fact, most folks would just feel sad that the thrice-married, mother of five took 55 years to figure out who she really was.

Baxter, however, expected a different reaction.

How was the process of coming out to your grown children?
Oh, a piece of cake. They were cool. All the kids were basically grown — the youngest [twins] were 17 at the time — and everyone was great. They basically just said, “We just want you to be happy.” So I really could not have asked for a better process than that.

In your personal life with the people you’ve told, has it been a cakewalk?
Maybe a cakewalk on their side. It was absolute fucking agony for me, only in the respect that I was so fearful.

Fearful of what?
Fearful of reaction, of judgment, of whatever I was sure was going to come. One of my greatest concerns was [for] a little skin care company [Meredith Baxter Simple Works] that I’ve been involved in for 11 years, and [my partners there] are just wonderful people. They’ve been so darling and worked so carefully and honestly with me, and I never said anything to them. I wrote them a letter and got a response that made me just ... I could have sung, I was so happy. They were so lovely.

Why did Alex Keaton's mom anticipate an unpleasant response? I'm beginning to suspect straight people understand gay people more than gay people understand straight people.

In 1972, Baxter starred in a television series called Bridget Loves Bernie (I'm assuming her agent is currently pitching Bridget Love Gidget) about a Catholic woman who married a Jewish man. Although the show was a hit, the amount of hate mail the interfaith story generated resulted in its cancellation.

Fast forward 37 years, Jews and Christians are marrying faster than Jews and Christians are getting divorced. In other words, things change... people change... attitudes change.

In the 70's, stay-at-home moms may have abandoned Merv Griffin's talk show had they known he was gay but Ellen DeGeneres has great numbers in daytime. People just aren't offended by homosexuality like they used to be.

Now, if Meredith Baxter really wants to lose work, alienate friends and be shunned by her family, she should announce she's Republican. Some things never change.

A Charlie Obama Christmas

President Obama is a Charlie Brown Christmas tree in reverse.

Barack Obama, December 2008



Barack Obama, December 2009



Charlie Brown must be a Democrat.