It's Getting Hot In Here. So Take Off All Your Clothes.

With the inconvenient truth of Climategate becoming public, Al Gore must be sweating his balls off and it's not because of global warming.

I can imagine the former Vice-President burying his Nobel Peace Prize in his backyard yelling, "Tipper, they took away my presidency, they're not taking away my major award. Now go hide my Oscar in the low-flush toilet tank."

I seriously want to put my carbon footprint up his overly tight ass.

It's only a matter of time before it's revealed that Al Gore was in on the hoax. Or, it's only a matter of time before it's revealed that he is the most gullible human on the planet we are currently not destroying. Either way, he's an opportunist of the worst kind. Only time will tell is he's an evil opportunist or merely a stupid one.

Perhaps he was so upset about the "stolen election" that he perpetrated this hoax as a way of seeking revenge on the American people by destroying our economy and thus our political system. Hmmmmm... interesting theory... somebody alert Art Bell!

At the very least, Gorezilla should be forced to pay Ed Begley Jr.'s therapy bills.

Goodbye, Uncle Al

Philadelphia TV legend Al Alberts passed away this morning at the age of 87.

From 1968 until the mid-80's, I spent as many Saturdays as I could watching Al Alberts Showcase. As a child, I enjoyed watching other children sing, dance and tell jokes. As a young adult, I realized just how hilarious these performances were. When I met my husband in 1984, I got him hooked on the show as well. Laughing hysterically at these pint-sized performers was an early bonding experience for us.

Al Alberts had several hit songs as the lead singer of the Four Aces. Andrea McArdle (the original Annie), identical twin country stars The Kinleys, Sister Sledge and Teddy Pendergrass (I don't remember seeing him on the show) all got their start with Uncle Al.

I'm really sad that he's gone.

It's worth sticking with the following clip to see a three-year-old Jarrod Spector belt out a tune. Heck, I know kids that age who can't even speak in complete sentences. He currently stars as Frankie Valli in Jersey Boys on Broadway.

Happy Thanksgiving!

For many years, we shared Thanksgiving dinner with Progressives. We would sit in silence as they all talked openly about how they despised Repulicans and wouldn't want them in their house. Little did they know a couple of conservatives were scarfing down their turkey.

The political affiliation of our friends never concerned us. But, as we've found out in the past year when we came out of the closet, our political affiliation is just too much for them to handle.

On this Thanksgiving, I hope my "open-minded" former friends actually become the open-minded individuals they believe they are.

And now for something completely different.

I Heart Donny Osmond

When I was 7-years-old, I received a Donny Osmond lunch box for my birthday. Technically, it was an Osmond lunch box but I couldn't have cared less about Alan, Wayne, Merrill and Tito or whatever the other brother was called.



Tonight I was thrilled to see my first love beat out that bitch Mya and that drug addict Kelly on Dancing With The Stars. (Donny wouldn't like my description of his competitors. Unlike me, he's kind-hearted. It's probably a good thing we didn't get married.)

Back in 1972, Donny, in all his purple glory (it was his favorite color and therefor my favorite color... and no I'm not referring to his penis) was the perfect entertainer for a young girl to worship. He was clean-cut, family-friendly and cuter than any button ever manufactured. I think The Duggars would call him "wholesome."

Fast forward to 2009, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is on the American Music Awards grabbing a woman's crotch, simulating oral sex and leading a man around on a leash. Kissing a guy was the most virtuous thing he did during his performance.

Sadly, somewhere in America, a 7-year-old little girl was allowed to stay up to watch his choreographed coitus. I feel sorry for her. Thirty-seven years from now, she will not be able to look back at her crush with childlike affection. In fact, she'll probably want to take a shower.

Cloward-Piven Isn't Just A River In Egypt

"Barack Obama and the Strategy of Manufactured Crisis" is the title of a fascinating piece on American Thinker. (Oops, sorry, bad link corrected.)

Of course, if you believe any of this, your Democrat friends will call you crazy. But, then again, your Democrat friends (at least my Democrat friends) think anybody who has ever voted Republican is insane anyway... or "unhinged" as I was called.

Barney Fife To The Rescue

As hubby and I were jogging around the lake near our house tonight, he saw a teenage boy throw a bike into the water. We assumed it was stolen. We drove around to the approximate spot of the bike toss when our workout was finished so my good Samaritan spouse could fish the two-wheeler out of the drink.

While I was sitting in the passenger side of our station wagon waiting for hubby to return, a police car approached. Our dome light was on-- the driver side door was open-- so I signaled to the cop to pull over. He did. I jumped out of the car... only to see him pull away.

We bungeed the bike to the top of our car and drove to the nearest police station.

After the policeman on duty listened to my husband's story he said, "What's your address?" then, "Oh wait... I have your information. I ran your tags when I saw a woman sitting alone in a car."

My husband said, "You ran my tags?!" He was slightly taken aback. "She waved at you," he said. The officer replied, without a hint of irony, "A lot of people wave at me."

So, let me get this straight: a cop sees a woman sitting alone in a car, after dark. She signals for him to stop. Instead of stopping, he runs the tags, sees that they're clean... and drives away.

What if I had been kidnapped by a guy who had a spotless driving record?! What if the driver wasn't visible because hubby was lying near death on the floor of the car?! What if I had been abducted by aliens and the only reason I was sitting in the passenger's seat is because the space monster thought that he deposited me back in England?!

No, I was left alone because we didn't have any outstanding parking tickets.

I don't care who you are, that there's bad police work.

At least I hope the kid gets his bike back.

I Made The Week In Blogs!

Stephen Green aka Vodka Pundit has included me in his PJTV "The Week In Blogs" segment. I'm honored.

PJTV video.

Vodka Pundit links for the week.

Facebook Fun

As his Facebook status, an atheist friend of mine wrote, " Just think of how many more people Stalin would have killed if he had been religious. Bullet dodged."

After seeing a few people say, "Nice" and "That's Funny" I felt compelled to reply, "Stalin killed 20 million. During the 500 year Inquisition period 6,000 people were executed. Both wrong. But in the race to kill gobs of people the secularists win by a landslide. And I say this as a person who isn't religious."

Oh sure, I'm a buzz kill but I had to say something.

After a few people backed me up, my friend said, "Well made points, all. the point I'm making is this: Very few people, if any, kill in the NAME of secularism. More deaths are conflicts over territory, resources, etc, - and that's part of nature. Humans are the only species that kill in the name of religion. Shakespeare's writings are far more violent than the Bible, and both have passionate followers, but no one kills over Shakespeare unless it's to get the lead in regional theatre."

To which I said, "Yes, but communism and Marxism are anti-religion. Secularism is at the very core of both ideologies."

A friend of his chimed in, "True Traci, but they were not killing people in the name of secularism: they were killing people in the name of the ideology of communism."

Apparently, this debate wasn't over and the responses were getting longer.

Me...

Yes, but the first thing these "isms" do is ban religion. Why do you think that happens? Stalin, Hilter, Moa and "Paulpotts" [Paulpotts is a callback to a joke which is not printed here] were all atheists. That doesn't mean all atheists are capable of mass murder but you can't deny who they were. Our Founding Fathers put Freedom of Religion into our Constitution because they understood the ability to worship freely is vital to a democracy. Like I said earlier, I'm not a religious person but I do believe in freedom. "Secular' despots have killed more people in the 20th Century than any religious leaders ever have in all of recorded history combined.

My friend...

You're right on the above, Traci, but the above dictators were not motivated to genocide by their secularism. The fact that secularism or atheism was a part of who they were is true. Their secularism had as much to do with their killings as did their love for pants; they may have loved both, but pants and godlessness were not their motivation for mass murder, except in the case of Paulpants. Most wars are resource-related, as you stated, but religion adds in a "special bonus" reason for war. War is in every strand of human dna; religion is an imaginary reason to unlock it. I imagine that everyone in this thread believes in the right to religious freedom that you speak of, as well as the danger of theocracy.

My friend's friend...

"Secular' despots have killed more people in the 20th Century than any religious leaders ever have in all of recorded history combined."

That's not true. Pretty much all ancient wars were fought in the name of religion, as royalty believed they were appointed by God and had the right to whatever they wanted. Vikings raped and pillaged to pay tribute to their Gods. The crusades were fought over the belief that Christians deserved to rule the land of their "savior's" birth.

There are also insane incidents like the Easter Island statues, where inhabitants became so consumed with building idols that they used all the natural resources on the island and just about everyone died. Religious leaders also spread lies about Small pox vaccines and AIDS prevention because modern medicine undermined the power they wielded as someone who could supposedly commune with God and heal them. AND how many people have been killed because of religious based intolerance? Slavery, manifest destiny, racism, homophobia, are all concepts which have been propped up by many/most of the religious leaders of their respective eras.

The leaders of various communist/facist parties didn't outlaw religion because of some petty dislike for it, they outlawed it because it had a message in direct contrast to their own. If you teach your followers to kill everyone with glasses, it doesn't really gel with "Love thy neighbor" (not that people tend to listen to that part anyway.) Religion wasn't all that was outlawed; anything with an opposing message was. Hitler killed all the Communists because they were a threat, not because he was really into Adam Smith's invisible hand.

Me again....

Pre-20th Century weaponry can't hold a candle to 20th century weaponry. They may have had the desire to kill as many people but they didn't have the means... or the population numbers to make their dreams a reality. And slavery was ended by religious people! Abolitionists were all Christians. Next thing you know you'll tell me 5,000 people were killed during the Salem Witch Trials. (It was 19 plus a dog.) I can't believe I'm defending religion but I'm sort of staggered that I'm witnessing people defend Stalin. If "love thy neighbor" doesn't fit in with the communist manifesto then I think I'll hang out with the religious folks. For all the "evil" that's been perpetrated by religion there has also been quite a bit of good. The same can't be said for fascism, Marxism and communism.

As my husband pointed out, the term "useful idiot" wasn't coined by Edward R. Murrow, it was the brainchild of Vladimir Lenin.

And you thought Facebook was all about people telling the world what they had for breakfast.

While My Guitar Gently Moans In Agony

A few weeks ago, I got this silly idea in my head that my husband and I needed to learn something new. I gave him two choices: play guitar or speak Italian.

Last night, he ventured out in a rainstorm to buy a Jay Turser electric guitar he found on Craigslist for $45. Grazie!



Now we need to learn how to play the damn thing.

I have this image of us someday being eccentric senior citizens playing in the lounge of a shore resort hotel. We'll be a big hit with the kids who love irony.

Singing Mammograms

When the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (or USPSTF, which is really hard to say when you're drunk) suggested that routine mammograms aren't necessary for women under 50, who knew so many folks would get their tits stuck in a wringer. And, yes, that also applies to manboobs.

"Outrageous," they scream. "Unbelievable," they wail. "Women are going to die," they yell as they tear at their clothes.

Well, no, not really and yes but not in any significantly higher numbers than before.

When on Facebook, my husband had the audacity to attempt mob control by introducing a little Freakonomics into the discussion, he found himself in a cyber shit storm. Here's part of his defense.

Actually, you might be missing the point of the Task Force's directive. In the past, considering the cost of mammograms, the resources used, the amount of cancer "caught" by such tests, it was thought that women should start getting regular mammograms starting at age 40. After examination of the stats, however, the policy of recommending them at that age has been found to be a bit too... cautious (for lack of a better word).

My point (which might have been missed) is this: No woman has to listen to the guidelines. No one said that women under 50 will be refused the test. No one.

It's not idiotic at all-- it's unemotional, it's based on stats, it's put forward with an eye toward efficiency and it is based also on cost-benefit ratios.

The reaction-- skepticism, anger and concern-- is out of proportion. The simple fact remains that we're talking about a couple hundred bucks. Some folks spend more than that at Applebee's in the course of a year.

My lovely wife pays for her own mammograms (she's 44) and will continue to do so until age 50 and beyond. It's worked into our budget. (She got her first one on the house from the Camden County Cancer Screening Project and her next one will be half-price-- probably $80-- in October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.)

Currently, women have a choice if they wish to buck the guidelines. However, that may not be the case if healthcare is "reformed." In the not too distant future, we'll actually be forced to adhere to the guidelines-- there will be no such choice. (So, it has everything to do with "money and the healthcare debate.")

The dude makes several good points-- which is why I married him.

We all have a relative or a friend or a relative of a friend or a friend of a relative who has been diagnosed with breast cancer before the age of 50. But, in many of those cases, the woman was at high risk to begin with.

The word that seems to be lost in this whole debate is "routine." These guidelines are for routine mammograms. Women with a family history or genetic mutation should be screened earlier. Any good doctor would recommend-- perhaps even insist-- on such a course of action.

Woman who aren't high risk but are fearful of being the "exception to the rule" can get a mammogram anyway since these are guidelines and not laws.

However, even supporters of a government run healthcare system will admit that rationing is a necessary evil in order to control costs. Women under 50 and over 75 will be waaaaaaaaay in the back of the mammogram line. Those of us who are high risk will no doubt be ranked in the order of our riskiness.

Right now we can get our boobs squashed by handing over wads of cash. In the future, we may get carpal tunnel syndrome from keeping our fingers crossed.

Is It Us?

When Al Gore ran for president back in 2000, Rolling Stone put a picture of his bulge on the cover of their magazine. At the time, analysts determined it was yet another way to secure the soccer mom vote for the stiff one.



In an effort to take the soccer mom vote away from Sarah Palin in 2012, Newsweek is running a picture of her wearing shorts.



Because, as we know, a women loves a guy with a big unit but despises a woman who looks better than she does. And, yes, we're just shallow and stupid enough to use this criteria to make all of our political decisions.

Is it true? Would we really vote for a man just because he looks good shirtless on the beach? (Barak Obama) Would we really support the first female running for president only because her cankles are the size of tree trunks. (Hillary Clinton)

Maybe Democrats would.

Republican women, on the other hand, voted for two presidential candidates who had bum arms. (Bob Dole and John McCain) Republican women voted for a woman who... yes... looks good in shorts.

Or maybe the editors at these rags are just raging misogynists?

I can only assume Time is trying to Photoshop a penis into Sarah Palin's running shorts as we speak.

I Want To Socko Rocco

After reading an interview with new National Endowment for the Arts big cheese, Rocco Landesman in the Wall Street Journal, I have a sudden desire to find out where he lives and tag his house.

"Do you think that hip-hop would be an appropriate area for NEA to fund?" I inquired.

"Absolutely. And mural painting and graffiti are art. There are popular aspects of all the arts that I think shouldn't be ignored."

I agree. Graffiti art shouldn't be ignored... by the police!

Graffiti is not art. It's vandalism.

If Mr. Landesman had grown up in a graffiti-covered neighborhood like I did perhaps he would understand just how demoralizing it is to see property constantly defaced by, what my grandmother called, hoodlums. Giving these "artists" tax payer money to ruin the lives of other tax payers borders on sadistic.

I grew up in Philadelphia, across the street from a textile factory. Each time I sat on my front steps (a popular pastime in the inner city), from pre-school until I finally left at age 20, I was forced to stare at an ever-evolving collage of cartoon figures, trendy phrases and love messages.

During the height of "Good Times" popularity, one of the taggers spray painted the word "Dynomite" directly across from our house. Only he spelled it "Dnyomite." To this day, whenever I think of my childhhood, the word "Dnyomite" pops into my head. And Jimmie JJ Walker thinks he has problems!

Mid-way through second grade, the under-12 crowd all moved into a brand new state-of-the-art elementary school. It didn't take long before our beautiful building was defaced by taggers. A year or two later, somebody got the bright idea to hire mural artists to paint a woodland scene (perfect for city kids) on one of the walls.

I suppose the "graffiti artists" were supposed to so admire the work of their fellow painters that they would lay down their spray cans out of respect. Oh, how proud the adults were at the unveiling!

Do I really have to tell you what happened?

By the end of the weekend, the deer had obscene thought bubbles over their heads. So, the mural artists came back with their paint cans to fix their work.

Several days later, the deer were wearing spray painted sunglasses.

More fixing. More tagging. No doubt all taking place on the taxpayers' dime.

Eventually, the taggers won. Even the nine-year-olds could see that one coming.

If the NEA has its over-funded head so far up its pretentious ass that it thinks doling out cash to criminals with a flair for the dramatic is a good idea, then it's time for the dismantling of this organization.

As an artist, I would love to see it happen. That would be dnyomite.

How To Teach A President To Bow

With your President in a standing position, take a treat and hold it near the floor, under his nose. As your President reaches down to get it (he may try to lie down), slip your hand under his belly to hold his rear end up. Hold him in that position and say, "Take a bow." Keep the treat right by his nose, but don't feed him. Stay there for just a second, release him, and then feed the treat.

With much practice, soon your President will be bowing like a pro!

Next week, tips on teaching your President how to roll over... on healthcare.

Oba Mao

I have a relative who travels to China for business. I sure hope I get one of these for Christmas. Hint. Hint.

Happy PC!

At the Ft. Hood massacre, Maj. Nidal Malik Hassan pulled the trigger but political correctness loaded the gun. I can only hope PC will be the next fatality.

On the off chance we are witnessing the final days of hyper sensitivity, we have decided to celebrate one last politically correct holiday.

Hubby suggested we call Thanksgiving "Thinksgiving" so we can spend the day reflecting on how we screwed the Native Americans.

Instead of buying tickets to the play "Irving Berlin's White Christmas" we're going to insist the theater change the name to "Irving Berlin's Genocidal, Imperialistic Land-Grubbing Scum Christmas."

We will no longer say Happy Holidays because the word happy is insensitive to people who are miserable. Seasons Greetings is insensitive to people who live in a year-round warm climate. Ho Ho Ho is insensitive to Hugh Hefner's girlfriends.

Resorting to a grunting isn't an option either because that would be offensive to the GEICO Cavemen.

Eating turkey is insensitive to vegans. Exchanging gifts is insensitive to anarchists. Listening to Perry Como is insensitive to deaf people.

Perhaps to have a real PC holiday we need to spend the next six weeks in a darkened room eating Kashi and drinking chai tea.

At least I'd have an excuse not to send out cards.

Happy Veteran's Day

The good folks over at Black Five say it better than I ever could. If you haven't yet read their military blog, today would be a good day to start.

Most vets have never seen combat in the sense we think of it. But every single solitary one of them has contributed in vital ways to the success of our combat efforts and making this the finest military ever. Without those who support the combat troops, success would impossible. Without the wrench turners, truck drivers, fuel handlers, cooks, clerks and all those like them, the greatest military the world has ever seen is an "also ran."

It doesn't matter what a vet did during his or her service, it matters that he or she chose to serve and do whatever vital job they were assigned to the best of their ability. It isn't about medals, it isn't about glory, it isn't about what job they did. It is about the fact that when their country called, they stood up and answered. They are all, every one of them, heroes.

My dad was a paratrooper during peacetime. Although, he never saw combat, he risked his life each time he jumped from a plane. He was ready to fight and would have done so proudly had he been asked.

Thank you, all of you, who ever wore the uniform of our great country. I feel privileged to have made some of you laugh. I hope I get to perform for you again in the future.

Mr. Obama, Tear Down This Health Insurance Purchasing Wall

One minute our President sees us uninsured citizens as a group of people desperately in need of help and the next minute we're a bunch of freeloaders who must be punished.

During an exclusive interview with ABC News’ Jake Tapper today, President Obama said that penalties are appropriate for people who try to “free ride” the health care system but stopped short of endorsing the threat of jail time for those who refuse to pay a fine for not having insurance.

Well, at least he stopped short of endorsing jail time. However, the fact that he didn't forcefully and unequivocally squash this un-American notion of tossing people into prison for not purchasing health insurance makes me more nervous than a rapper at a fundraiser for Sen. Byrd.

Obviously, Obamacare doesn't work unless there is forced compliance. What's next? Health care at the point of a gun?

The President goes on to explain his frighteningly ridiculous plan.

“What I think is appropriate is that in the same way that everybody has to get auto insurance and if you don't, you're subject to some penalty, that in this situation, if you have the ability to buy insurance, it's affordable and you choose not to do so, forcing you and me and everybody else to subsidize you, you know, there's a thousand dollar hidden tax that families all across America are -- are burdened by because of the fact that people don't have health insurance, you know, there's nothing wrong with a penalty.”

Yeah, you know, there's nothing wrong with a penalty.

I have a better idea. Allow me to buy insurance across state lines, give me a tax credit for purchasing my own plan and maybe even throw in a little tort reform for good measure. In the meantime, I will continue my "free ride" by paying cash for all my medical needs.

If Obama gets his way, the uninsured are going to have to open Legal Savings Accounts instead of HSA's.

How dare you, Mr. President! How dare you make us out to be the bad guys! Why don't you just have the balls to admit that what you really want is universal, single-payer health care for all Americans?! We have you on tape saying it in the past. Why can't you say it now?!

The President said that he didn’t think the question over the appropriateness of possible jail time is the “biggest question” the House and Senate are facing right now.

Uh, it's the "biggest question" for me! The fact that our representatives are even discussing the "appropriateness of jail time" makes me sick to my stomach. Let's hope I don't become so nauseous that I'll have to take $60 out of my checking account to go see the doctor. I'd really hate to wave that cash around in order to get another free ride.

Yes, I'm Jumping To Conclusions

The Islamic Fundamentalist, Jihadist, homegrown terrorist who shouted "Allahu Akbar" before gunning down his fellow soldiers was, in turn, gunned down by a brave female office named, Kimberly Munley. I can't tell you how pleased I am that Nidal Malik Hasan has a hole in his gut courtesy of an infidel whore.

I just wish her bullet had been fatal.

The coward known as Nidal Malik Hasan is awake and speaking. It should only be a matter of minutes before he has a gang of ACLU lawyers at his side. "Say you were bullied because of your religion," they'll advise. "Say you had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder even though you didn't see any combat," they'll counsel him. "Say the war is wrong," they'll beg.

Then they'll give him a copy of the New York Times as a study guide.

I can only hope he'll yell, "Allahu Akbar" and spit in their smug faces.

Thank you, Joe Leiberman, for being the only man who will publicly say what the rest of the country was thinking from the minute the news about the shooting came over the wire. The Ft. Hood massacre was a terrorist attack.

The victims deserve the truth.

Rejected Us Weekly Fashion Police Jokes 27

I have been a Top Cop for Us Weekly's Fashion Police since 2001. (Why do men always call it "U.S." Weekly even when they see it spelled with a big "U" and a small "s"?)

Some weeks many of my jokes are published while other weeks I have to settle for just one or two. Below is a partial list of comments that never made it to the newsstand.

Note: The ones marked "Accepted" are my comments that got in. The ones marked "Rejected" are the ones that didn't.



Mischa Barton

Rejected: Shops online at OverWoodstock.com.

Rejected: Woke up it was a Chelsea morning.


Lindsay Lohan

Rejected: PETA should throw blood on her just to add some color.

Rejected: Made from the hide of a gay bear.


Kim Kardashian

Accepted: No velvet animals were harmed in the making of this dress.

Rejected: "Our seats are wider on Kardashian Air."

Well, I Guess He Told Me

I've been challenged. This is how the letter begins.

You know, I have put up with a ton of crap from Traci Skene at Shecky Magazine for awhile now.

A few weeks ago, he said he was putting up with a ton of crap from Brian McKim at Shecky Magazine. Since he didn't direct his vitriol at me as well-- there's a reason we call ourselves the Male Half and the Female Half-- I jokingly called him sexist.

I've moved on. Aparently, he hasn't. Now he wants a comedy knowledge throwdown of sorts.

As of right now, until you can stand up to me in a public forum on the phone or live in person, you are little more than something the toilet overflowed.

He pal, I'm much more than something the toilet overflowed.

Read the entire hilarious letter at SHECKYmagazine.com.

Bald Is Out

Fat is in.

All the networks are calling it for Christie.

Election Day

We just got back from casting our votes for Chris Christie. Or you could say we just got back from casting our votes against John Corzine. I think a lot of my fellow Garden State citizens have done the same.

New Jersey is so blue it's navy, so the mere fact that a Republican even has a chance of winning is astonishing.


I hope our current Governor is our former Governor by they end of the night. John Corzine is a reprehensible human being. He's a hypocritical, wealthy Marxist who uses his own money to buy power while claiming to be a man of the people. Even worse, he's a bald guy who made fun of Christie for being a fat guy.

Personally, I don't mind having a fat leader. At least we know he won't support the snack tax. Plus we could change our state motto to "New Jersey and Food: Perfect Together."

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm exhausted after spending 26 of the last 72 hours in a car. I probably wouldn't be so tired if we hadn't done the exact same thing the weekend before.

This week, we drove to Buford, Georgia. As we were packing up the rental car, hubby was hit by a back spasm which became even more debilitating over the next day or two. I didn't sleep at all Friday night because he would either lie on his back and snore or roll over and let out a blood-curdling scream. Snore... scream... snore... scream...

Oddly, hubby would be awakened by his own snoring but not his own screaming.

He made it through the shows with the help of Vicodin and Jack Daniels. Luckily for him, he doesn't move much during his set anyway. But, it did crack me up watching him do the Playboy Bunny dip every time he reached down for his bourbon.

On Friday night, a guy in the audience "complimented" me by saying, "I like a donkey butt and a big ol' set of thighs." I left him speechless when I replied, "Yes, I have thighs that could crush a man's skull." I bet he's still thinking about me.

Also in the crowd, was a former Special Ops Army Captain who had been shot five times and blown up (his words, not mine) three times. Since it was Halloween, he came to the show dressed as Death. A comic never wants to look out and see Death in the second row. It's a bit disconcerting.

I spoke to the Captain for a good 30 minutes after the show. When I asked him if he was happy to be retiring from the Army, without hesitation he said, "No. There's still work to be done." Amazing. Simply amazing.

Good folks in Buford. Worth the drive. Now I must nap.