What Would Google Do... About Healthcare

The irony of people who call themselves "Progressives" promoting a healthcare plan that was first proposed in the 1940's is not lost on me. I half expect Nancy Pelosi to show up at the next press conference dressed like one of the Andrews Sisters.

Daniel Henninger wrote a brilliant Wall Street Journal piece called "Obama And The Old Hat People."

If we were really living in the world of leading-edge politics that many people thought they were getting with Barack Obama, he would have proposed an iPhone for health care—a flexible system for which all sorts of users could create or choose health-care apps that suited their needs. Over time, with trial and error, a better system would emerge.

No chance of that. Our outdated political software can't recognize trial and error. What ObamaCare is doing with health care—the "public option"—may be fine with the activist left, but I suspect it's starting to strike many younger Americans as at odds with their lives, as not somewhere they want to go. Wait until EPA's ghost busters start enforcing cap-and-trade.

Maybe it's time to start texting the White House. Ur plan is lame LMAO

The Underdogs VS. The Chosen Ones

I predicted Cliff Lee would spank the Yanks in Game 1 of the World Series while most of the Yankee fans I know were predicting a Yankee sweep. Traci 1, Stupid Stupid Yankee Fans 0.

I'm having fun trash-talking on Facebook. The other day I posted on friend and fellow comic Joe Starr's profile, "Okay, it's time to make a World Series bet. If the Phillies win, you have to go on stage dressed like a woman. If the Yankees win, I have to go on stage dressed like a woman."

Starr said last nights victory was "cute." Not as cute as he'll be wearing heels and a dress the next time he does a set.

I'm Available

Finally, a former Letterman staff writer is saying in Vanity Fair what those of us in the comedy biz have known for years.

At this moment, there are more females serving on the United States Supreme Court than there are writing for Late Show with David Letterman, The Jay Leno Show, and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien combined. Out of the 50 or so comedy writers working on these programs, exactly zero are women. It would be funny if it weren’t true.

The article goes on to ask why. Famous drunkard Christopher Hitchens, and many of his impotent cohorts, would assume it's because women aren't funny. That conclusion, however, is so patently ridiculous, it's not even worth disputing.



The author has her own argument.

I have a theory. An executive producer with an all-male writing staff once inadvertently revealed his deep, dark fear. While discussing a full-time position for me, he mused out loud, “I wonder if having a woman in the room will change everything.” Of course, what he really meant was: “I wonder if having a woman in the room will change me.” Male writers don’t want to be judged in the room. They want to be able to scarf an entire bag of potato chips while cracking fart jokes and making lewd comments without fear of feminine disapproval. But we’re your co-workers, not your wives. Crack a decent fart joke and, as professionals, we will laugh. And while writers do need to feel comfortable in order to make comedy, denying an entire class of people certain opportunities in order to preserve a way of life seems a tad antebellum. Plus, it’s been my experience that a room with a fairer sampling of humanity will always produce funnier material.

I'm sure most folks would assume these sexist, scatological, chip-eating writers are all standup comics. Not true. Far too many of these writer's rooms are bursting at the seams with Harvard-educated humorists.

And, as many of us have discovered firsthand, Ivy League liberals are some of the most anti-female males on the planet. Don't let their Democrat voter registration card fool you.

In my 20-plus years as a standup comic, I have been in the company of countless male standup comics who have been "able to scarf an entire bag of potato chips while cracking fart jokes and making lewd comments without fear of feminine disapproval" while in the company of a female comic-- me.

Perhaps instead of including females on the writing staff, they should just purge their ranks of all the Harvard douchebags and instead hire standup comics-- both male and female.

The fact that both Dave and Jay started out as standup comics makes all of this even more disappointing. But, then again, they are of a different generation. I can only hope that the Dave and Jay of 2020 will have a different attitude. It'll be too late for me, but some babe on the open mike circuit right now might have a chance.

This Is A Whopper

Here's a headline you don't want to see. "Climate chief Lord Stern: give up meat to save the planet."

People will need to consider turning vegetarian if the world is to conquer climate change, according to a leading authority on global warming.

In an interview with The Times, Lord Stern of Brentford said: “Meat is a wasteful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases. It puts enormous pressure on the world’s resources. A vegetarian diet is better.”

I'm going to open up a restaurant that serves Lord Stern of Brentford Burgers. They will contain 100% bull.

The Lordster continues:

"People change their notion of what is responsible. They will increasingly ask about the carbon content of their food."

I only ask about the carbon content of my food if it's burnt.

Can we all agree that this has gone too far? When a grown man who insists on being called Lord-- hell, that's not even something Jesus did-- tells a world full of Omnivores that they should be Herbivores just to support an unproven theory that greenhouse gasses are destroying the planet, we need to agree that this has gone too far.

Perhaps Lord Stern of Brentford should take a sack of KFC Bowls over to Ethopia to feed the starving children. Nobody with a distended belly is going to say, "What is the carbon content of this original recipe chicken?"

I think Lord Stern's brain matter has been replaced with special sauce.

If I want to eat bacon, I'll eat bacon. If I want to eat salad, I'll eat salad. If I want to eat a salad with hot bacon dressing, I'll eat a salad with hot bacon dressing!

The planet was around for 5 billion years before McDonalds ever served their first Big Mac. Serving 5 billion all-beef patties is not going to destroy what man didn't even have a hand in creating.

Lima Like The Bean

We worked in Lima, Ohio this past weekend. It's pronounced "lima" like the bean, not "Lima" like the capital city of Peru.

To get to Lima, we had to drive through Licking County. Hubby says the tourism slogan for Licking County should be "Try Licking Yourself." Personally, I think it's more fun to parody the old New York City jingle and sing, "I Love Licking."

Of course, the possibilities are endless... "Licking Is For Lovers", "Licking And You, Perfect Together" or perhaps "Licking, It's What's For Dinner." All are acceptable answers but, more importantly, thinking up the ridiculous mottos will kill a few minutes during a ten-hour drive. Let's face it, you can only look at so many leaves.

We also killed time on the way home Sunday by listening to various local talk radio shows which is usually as exciting as eavesdropping on a couple of old guys who are drinking coffee at McDonalds.

The prevailing topic yesterday was H1N1 and the prevailing theme of the prevailing topic was that H1N1 is a bunch of hooey (as old guys at Micky D's might say). One caller after another talked about how they knew somebody who got swine flu who wasn't as sick as the other people they know who got the shot.

It's a good thing President Obama has declared H1N1 to be a national emergency, eh?

When I fired up the old desktop upon returning to our humble abode (we decided to give our brains and eyeballs a rest by leaving the laptops at home during our trip) I was a bit surprised to see news reports that first daughters, Sasha and Malia have not gotten their vaccinations yet. But I thought this was a national emergency? But I thought children were the most vulnerable? But I thought all parents were encouraged to drag their children kicking and screaming to a vaccination site?

Surely, this must just be an unfounded rumor. The President of the United States would never make the rest of the country do something that he wouldn't make his own family do, would he?

A few weeks ago, I got the plain old flu shot but I think I'll pass on the oinking variety. In the meantime, I'll just keep washing my hands... and stop licking things.

Traci Says Watch Penn Says

In this gut-wrenching video, libertarian Penn Jillette (one half of Penn & Teller) discusses being yelled at by uber liberal Tommy Smothers (one half of The Smothers Brothers).

In his own words:

I sat on TV, while my hero Tommy Smothers yelled in my face how pissed off he was at me for appearing on Glenn Beck. It broke my heart.

From Crackle: Getting Yelled At by One of My Heroes

Hometown Pride

When Media Matters, The Philadelphia Inquirer and head ACORN nut Bertha Lewis claimed that undercover reporters James O'Keefe and Hanna Giles were tossed out of the Philadelphia ACORN office, hubby and I both said, "Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

We drove past the Philly ACORN headquarters back in August on our way home from seeing Peter Frampton in concert. It's located on Broad Street which should be renamed Liberal Way. There was simply no way a pimp and a prostitute would be turned away at the door. If they were, it would only be because there were too many other pimps and prostitutes waiting in line.

Well, it turns out, they are all a bunch of lying sacks of the brown stuff. Go to BigGovernment.com to see the full, unedited video.

BlogWorld Recap

I Tweeted a few times during BlogWorld yet I had no desire to blog. It's like attending the Adult Video News Expo and not wanting sex.

The previous sentence is one that actually wound up on Twitter. I also posted "Am I the only one who thought I was going to BogWorld? Sure glad I kept the receipt for my hip waders." and "Went to the BlogWorld / Techset party at The Bank in the Bellagio. It was a middle-aged sausage fest."

Apparently, I didn't feel like Tweeting much either.

Next year, I'm going to submit a proposal for a seminar entitled "Take The Week Off. Nobody Cares Anyway." The floor will be slick with tears.

The best part about BlogWorld was making so many new friends... Wow, I couldn't even type that with a straight face! Oh, I tried to strike up conversations with folks in the ladies room, at the buffet table or at a "You Are Here" map but they would stare at me like I just called their mother a whore. Perhaps I should have texted them instead... Ur mom is a ho... LOL... ROLTF... LMAO.

We spent a good bit of our time boozing and laughing with Stephen Green aka Vodka Pundit and David Chung from PajamasTV. I had a lovely conversation with BlackFive's Matt Burden at The JET Party in the Mirage. We bonded with the Red Lasso folks who are from Philly and have a connection to our old employers at WYSP. Sarah Nitta, The All-American Mom was fun to sit next to during the journalism Keynote address. We spent most of out time giggling and trashing CNN's Don "I Look Like I Just Sucked On A" Lemon. I'd call him a pretentious boob but that would be an insult to boobs.

But everybody else was a steaming turd! I had more meaningful dialogue with the Robin Williams impersonator at the SceneIt bash than I did with most of my fellow bloggers. Folks, you're (or as many bloggers say "your") at a schmooze fest. So, schmooze already!

Brian McKim (aka hubby), me and half of Stephen Green at the JET Bar. Photo Blame: David Chung (after several Red Bulls and Vodka.)

Hubby spoke to Kevin Pollak briefly but, for the most part, we left the celebrities alone. I swear Hugh Hewitt was staring at Brian from stage but I think it's only because they wear the same glasses. From what we hear, Anthony Edwards was very nice while Adam Corrola was a bit surly. I think I only would have been shocked if the word on the cyberstreet was Adam Corrola was very nice and Anthony Edwards was a bit surly.

Jermaine Dupri likes to refer to himself in the third person which is something Traci Skene is going to do from now on. Traci Skene also learned that Mac rock star, Guy Kawasaki is a flaming dickhead. He makes CNN's Don Lemon look like a humble bumble. Kawasaki's hosting duties during the Tonight Show-formatted final keynote address would make Johnny Carson roll over in his grave. When Kawasaki said, "A talk show host is only as good as his guests" Traci Skene wanted to storm the stage. If he would like to hand Traci Skene a large bag of cash for hosting lessons, Traci Skene will gladly accept. Traci Skene would also like to make the same offer to Technorati's big cheese, Richard Jalichandra, who rocked back and forth so often during his presentation that Traci Skene thought she was on a cruise ship.

The Hilton Poolside BBQ party was the best because it was outside and attendees could actually talk without shouting over blaring techno music. Besides, who doesn't like to drink free booze while staring at a 20-story tall image of Barry Manilow? The SceneIt party was number two because they were pouring free blue vodka drinks and handing out swag bags. The other parties were fun but much much too loud for those of us over 25. Plus $14 for a shot of Maker's Mark is a bit too rich for most bloggers who, I might point out, don't get paid for blogging.



The Lavo shindig at the Pallazzo was downright scary. Too many people! Oh, the humanity! As I fled, I passed two bikini-clad woman making out in a Grecian tub. Just how do you interview for that job? Prior experience? "Well, from 2002-2007, I made out with other bikini-clad women in a Grecian tub over at Caesars." You're hired!

The first thing we did at BlogWorld, however, may have been the best which is kind of like the appetizer being tastier than dessert or foreplay being more erotic than the climax. As soon as we hit town on Thursday, we picked up our complimentary tickets to The Beatles LOVE.

Normally, we don't consider ourselves to be Cirque du Soleil kind of people, mostly because we despise French clowns. But, only a fool would turn down free admission to a show which normally costs upwards of $100.

We were blown away. Absolutely blown away.

The Beatles LOVE is Lori Anderson meets Zbigniew Rybczynski meets Twyla Tharp meets a big old pile of dope.

As a child, I was always frustrated by the three-ring circus because I couldn't watch all three acts at once. This is more like a 32-ring circus. In the first 15 minutes of the show, the pace is so frantic and the visuals so stunning that I whispered in my husband's ear, "I think I'm going to have a stroke."

Eventually, I relaxed and just gave myself over to the experience. In our household we despise the word "magical" almost as much as we despise French clowns, but it's the only word that fits. Magical. But don't do acid before you go. You'll die.

Tweets would indicate (the hashtag is #bwe09) that BlogWorld 2009 was a smashing success. While we're certainly glad we attended, we're still not sure if we'll attend the 2010 edition. It was fun, however. It is hoped that my voice will return to normal by the time I hit the stage on Friday.

Levinity and Tyranny

Tonight, I took advantage of the unseasonably mild Phoenix temps and spectacular desert sunsets by taking a glass of cabernet and Mark Levin's book "Liberty And Tyranny" out on to my dad's patio.

RINO Witch Olympia Snowe and the rest of the Senate Finance Committee bums nearly ruined my day with their anti-American "health reform" votes this afternoon, so I desperately needed alcohol and a voice of reason to calm me down.

Mark Levin and Two-Buck Chuck turned out to be the perfect antidote.

"Liberty And Tyranny" should be read, put down, picked up and read again. There's a reason why it's a best seller without any help from the mainstream media. For those of us who are frustrated by the current administration's leftist-- or as he would say "statist"- agenda-- it's the perfect book at the perfect time.

But, I'm still scared. I feel like Harry Reid is Roman Polanski and the nation is a 13-year-old girl who has just been slipped a couple of 'ludes. Bend over folks. This is going to hurt like hell.

Garry Shandling On Letterman

On Friday night, I had the extreme privilege of hanging out with one of my comedy idols, Garry Shandling, at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. He had stopped by to try out material for his upcoming Letterman appearance.

I was thoroughly impressed with Shandling's work ethic. He studied his voluminous notes prior to the show, did a howlingly funny 20 minutes and sat around in the green room with the other comics afterward discussing his material.

As you can imagine, I was anxious to see what jokes would make in on to The Late Show. I was especially interested to see if he would do one of the tag lines I had suggested.

But, instead of laughing once again at Shandling's bits, I sat in horror as I watched Dave completely butcher the interview. Garry didn't have the chance to be funny. Dave stepped on his lines, fed him awkward questions and generally made both of them uncomfortable.

Shandling came prepared with wildly funny stuff. It's a shame America didn't get the chance to see what I saw.

Tom Wilson Is Funny

We're still in Los Angeles. This weekend, hubby will be performing at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach with the great Tom Wilson.

Wilson is perhaps best known for his portrayal of Biff in the Back To The Future movies. This hilarious video will answer all your questions about what that experience must have been like.

It's About Power, Stupid

Many years ago, I had the chance to audition for Late Night while I was gigging in Boston. As I stood at the Comedy Connection bar before the show, I was approached by Robert "Mortie" Morton who, at the time, was Dave's producer.

In what turned out to be two of the most awkward minutes of my life, I watched in horror while Mortie put, as my grandmother might have said, "the moves on me." After his initial proposition, I said, "That's very flattering, but I'm married."

He looked me up and down, glared at me disgustedly and asked, "Are you a comic?" I shook my head, yes. He said, "No, you're not."

As he walked away, I knew I had no chance of getting the show. Of course, I probably wasn't ready for my network television debut but, even if I had been, I was screwed.

And I'm sure there were women who worked in the World Wide Pants office who felt the same way.

There's a reason why the boss shouldn't sleep with his employees. Sex with underlings creates an atmosphere of fear. Should I sleep my way to a promotion? (Or an on-camera role.) If I don't sleep with him will I be fired? If I get a raise will people think it's because I had sex with him?

Folks have been defending Letterman because what he did wasn't illegal. Yes, but it was unethical. CEO's have been fired for similar offenses.

I don't think this story is over. As more salacious details emerge, it'll be interesting to see how the viewers-- and his wife-- react. I suspect Letterman will keep his job, but that's about it. Gone will be his wife, his son, half his fortune and the unlimited sex he had been enjoying for years.

We'll see what happens. But, to paraphrase Letterman, "Please, no wagering."

LA Is My Skinny Lady

Los Angeles has a way of making me feel fat. There are a lot of skinny women in this town. I think in Spanish "Los Angeles" really means The Assless.

Yesterday, we went to a taping of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Ellen Page was one of the guests. The specimens in Bodies: The Exibition have more meat on them than this Juno star. The only way TV could put ten pounds on Ellen Page is if she actually swallowed a 10-lb. television.

People stare at me when I'm in Los Angeles. I must look like somebody who used to be famous. The Mexican men stare at me for different reasons. Apparently, a white woman with soccer thighs is a rare but amazing sight.

Apparently, He Was...

Back in the early 2000's, I stopped watching Letterman with the same regularity as I had in the past. Within a few years, I pretty much ignored him altogether, tuning in only when one of my comedy buddies appeared on the show.

At the time, I still thought Letterman was funny but I began to doubt his comedic judgment when his personal assistant Stephanie Birkitt became a fixture on the show.

The frequency of her painfully unfunny bits led me to exclaim on more than one occasion, "Letterman must be banging her. Nothing else makes sense."

Well, it turns out I was right. Letterman was banging her.

It's been reported that Birkitt is the ex-girlfriend of Robert J. "Joe" Halderman, the man who tried to squeeze 2 million bucks out of the late night talk show host.

I've been in show business for over 20 years, so I am not naive when it comes to power and sex. Countless women (present company excluded), gay men and even the occasional heterosexual male have managed to sleep their way to the middle. (I chose instead to sleep my way to a 20-year marriage.)

But as a comic and comedy writer, I'm sick when I see a fellow female securing a coveted spot on a prestigious comedy show merely because she was more than willing to diddle the man in charge. I'm not offended as a woman. I'm offended as a comedian.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for the writers to see their own work rejected to make room for the excruciating bits generated by Letterman's other woman. And I also can't imagine what it must have been like for the female staffers who legitimately secured jobs through hard work and talent yet were assumed to have been hired because they don't mind blowing the bossman.

Letterman didn't just fail as a family man, he failed as a comedy mogul. He didn't just let down his girlfriend of 23 years, he let down the fans of his show.

Subjecting viewers to bad comedy as payback for sexual favors may be his biggest crime as far as the public is concerned.

Letterman's penis belonged in his pants, not in the writer's room