The Southwest On Southwest

We're flying out west again tomorrow. My dad said to me, "I'm looking forward to your visit because I never see you." I half-yelled, "You saw me six weeks ago!" Obviously, he's on Daddy-time.

This time we'll be in Los Angeles from October 2-11. Hubby and I are working at the Laugh Pack in Hollywood on the 2nd and Van Nuys on the 3rd. Then hubby is working without me at the Icehouse in Pasadena on October 8 and the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, October 9-10.

On the 11th we'll drive to Phoenix to visit my dad which is something we never do!

On the 15th we'll head to Las Vegas for the BlogWorld Expo.

Stop Me If You've Heard This

A priest and Roman Polanski walk into a Hollywood bar. The priest says to the bartender, "I just molested one of my alter boys." The bartender says, "Get out of my bar you creepy pervert before I call the police!" The priest leaves. Roman Polanski says to the bartender, "Thirty years ago, I drugged and sodomized a 13-year-old girl." The bartender says, "Man, I loved Chinatown!"

And that is the closest I've ever come to writing a street joke.

The Agony Of Defeat

If President Obama fails to bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016 then I think the city should stage the Obama Games instead.

Only countries headed by despots, dictators and tyrants can participate. Athletes will stay in the God Damn America Village.

Participants will compete in Synchronized Sycophants, the 100 Meter Hyperbole Relay and the Marathon Speech.

Injured athletes will be put on a waiting list and treated in 2020.

Of course, Rod Blagojevich would be the mascot. With a head that big, he wouldn't even need a costume.

One Of The Comforts Of Home

You'll have to pry this plush toilet paper from my cold, dead hands!

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for "soft" (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It's a menace, environmental groups say -- and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

I want to put my carbon footprint right up their environmental asses.

Leave our bums (as the Europeans would say) alone. Americans work hard... harder than most Europeans. Perhaps the reason we can sit at our desks for 60 hours per week is because we don't wipe the thing we sit on with tree bark.

Toilet paper is far from being the biggest threat to the world's forests: together with facial tissue, it accounts for 5 percent of the U.S. forest-products industry, according to industry figures. Paper and cardboard packaging makes up 26 percent of the industry, although more than half is made from recycled products. Newspapers account for 3 percent.

But environmentalists say 5 percent is still too much.

Of course, environmentalists say 5 percent is too much. Environmentalists won't be happy until we are all walking around with a biodegradable Fair Trade wiping glove made by villagers in Peru.

Environmentalists won't be happy until President Obama appoints a Toilet Paper Czar. And then they'll tell Fox News, "Please don't squeeze the Czarmin."

Environmentalists won't be happy until all humans are unhappy... and nothing will make a human unhappier than a wicked case of hemorrhoids. (Perhaps we should all buy stock in Preparation H.)

Why don't environmentalists ever talk about the paper Americans save each year now that we are all obsessed with our computers? A few years ago, I was writing out a dozen or more checks per month. After switching to online banking, I now use one. How about the environmentalists start wiping with our old checks and let us keep our 3-ply?

The Doctor Is In

I was very happy last night to curl up on the Monroe Cuddler with my Hugh Laurie look-a-like husband to watch the season premier of House MD which everybody just calls House.

Show after show, Hugh Laurie continues to prove he is one of the greatest dramatic actors ever to work the small screen. But, he's also an amazing comedian. In fact, back when he was still British, he was one half of the comedy team Fry and Laurie.



I can only hope the producers of House will one day decide to work Stephen Fry into the cast. That would be a real thrill for all the PBS/BBC freaks of my generation.

Cheap Laughs

When Christopher Hitchens' infamous "Why Women Aren't Funny" article hit the stands, I immediately retitled the piece "Why Christopher Hitchens Can't Get It Up Around Funny Broads." At that point, the Oxford-educated, tipsy one might have lost all credibility on the subject of comedy.

His latest comedy-related column in The Atlantic called Cheap Laughs, however, is worth a read.

See, there’s your problem. A sense of irony is to be carefully, indeed strictly, distinguished from the possession of a funny bone. Irony is not air-quote finger-marks, as if to say “Just kidding” when in fact one is not quite kidding. (Does anyone ever say “Just kidding” when in fact only kidding?) Bathos is not irony, though Franken and Stewart and Colbert seem unaware of this. Irony usually partakes of some element of the unintended consequence. How might I give an illustration of the laws of unintended consequences? Let us imagine that Senator Franken composed a chapter about government lying and cover-up, which involved the use of the irresistibly hilarious instance of Sandy Berger, President Clinton’s former national security adviser, being caught red-handed as he stuffed his pants with classified papers from the National Archives. In a capital city that witnesses quite frequent alternations of power between the two main parties, what will be the chances that fiasco and corruption occur at the expense of only one of them? Yet meticulous care is taken by the senator to make sure that no such “fair and balanced” laughter is ever evoked, which is quite a sacrifice for a comedian. Consistency of this kind allows no spontaneity, let alone irony. It might even go some way to explaining the howling success of the “Air America” network, the collapsing-scenery rival to the right-wing dictatorship exerted over the rest of the ether.

From this sample paragraph we can learn two things: #1 Christopher Hitchens will never be able to join Twitter. Limiting his thought to 140 characters would make his frequently hungover head explode... and... #2 When it comes to chicks he can say "Why Women Aren't Funny" but he is incapable of coming right out and saying, "Why Liberal Aren't Funny." Apparently, he has no erectile dysfunction when it comes to the left.

I agree with Hitchens' assessment of Jon Stewart. Last night, while watching the Emmy's I Tweeted (as a college dropout I only need 140 words to express my lame-ass thoughts)

Writer for Jon Stewart: "I haven't had anything to say since Bush left office." If I can write Obama jokes, so can you.

I quickly received a direct message from a fellow comic:

I thought that was supposed to be like a "haha the media thought the show would suck after obama took office...but look we won!"

I said I would accept his point if Stewart hadn't repeatedly said in print that Obama is too difficult to make fun of. My colleague replied, simply, "Touche. Touche." ( which I hope wasn't just a misspelling of "touchy, touchy.").

Obama's Humor Czars-- Stewart, Letterman and Maher-- are seasoned comedians who are perfectly capable of writing jokes about our current President. When they say they can't, what they really mean is that they won't.

Eventually, however, their unwillingness to criticize our leader will only make them look bad. As the punchlines from other humorists build to a torrent, their silence will make them look smaller and smaller, less and less capable. Their continued reliance on Dick Cheney jokes will seem more and more ridiculous to all but hardest core of lefties.

Watch With Comics Emmy Edition

This Sunday I will be live-tweeting the Emmys along with hubby and many of my other standup colleagues for Watch With Comics.

My Twitter profile.

Hubby's Twitter profile.

Watch With Comics profile.

We had a blast writing jokes during the Oscar telecast so this should be equally fun... for us, anyway.

Who Are The Real Racists?

Today Jimmy Carter called me a racist. Oh sure, he didn't point his lemur-like eyes towards the camera and say, "Traci Skene is a racist" but he did imply that those of us who criticize our second black President (I'm told Bill Clinton was the first) may be racially motivated.

To paraphrase President Obama, he's a jackass.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to go all Kanye West on Jimmy Carter and pull the microphone out of his hand. I would say, "I'm sorry Jimmy but Lloyd Marcus, on the American Thinker wrote a piece that is smarter and more insightful than anything that ever came out of your peanut-farming fingers."

I traveled on the Tea Party Express tour bus as a singer/songwriter, entertainer and spokesperson; 16 states, 34 rallies in two weeks. I experienced vicious racial verbal attacks, not from the tea party protesters. The racial hate expressed against me all came from the left, people who support President Obama's radial socialist agenda.

Unfortunately, my deleted email box is littered with numerous messages expressing the following:

"You are the dumbest self-hating f****** n***** I have ever seen!"

Perhaps Lloyd Marcus and Jimmy Carter could sit down with a couple of Billy Beers for the first summit on race?

Jimmy Carter may be the dumbest self hating f****** cracker I have ever seen. You would think that once Osama Bin Laden puts your books on his summer reading list, it might be time for a little self-reflection.

As I Tweeted earlier, "Carter can't save Obama's presidency. Jimmy Carter couldn't even save Jimmy Carter's presidency."

I'd like to hear what Obama is calling Carter right now... off the record, of course.

Thank You, Jon Stewart

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Audacity of Hos
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

Here We Go Again

Yes, there is a fourth ACORN video.

Here's what ABC's Charles Gibson said in a radio interview this morning when he was asked about the scandal.

"HAHAHAHAHA. HEHEHE. I didn’t even know about it. Um. So, you’ve got me at a loss. I don’t know. Uh. Uh. But my goodness, if it’s got everything including sleaziness in it, we should talk about it this morning."

He should be ashamed of himself.

Strike Three?

There's a third ACORN video. First Baltimore, then DC and now New York.

Hellooooooooooo... Mainstream Media... anybody home?

9/12 March On Washington DC

Other protesters arrived by plane, train, car and luxury motorcoach. We bought $28 roundtrip tickets on a Chinese owned bus company called New Century.

Hubby described their business model as "poor service at high volume" and by volume he means decibels.

For years, Greyhound's motto was "Leave the driving to us." New Century's should be "SHUT UP! GET ON BUS!"



We almost had two accidents within the first eight minutes of our departure from Philly. About an hour later, we were given the finger by a driver whom our driver had cut off in traffic. On the way home, a cabbie gave us the same gesture. Our return driver responded by giving him the double finger and yelling in broken English, "Fuck Ooh." Why he couldn't curse in Mandarin or Cantonese remains a mystery.

On both trips we chose to sit in the front seat, directly behind the driver. It turned out to be quite entertaining. Watching the driver eat under the "No Eating" sign was fascinating. Almost going through the windshield when they slammed on the brakes... not so much. The "We Are Not Response For Any Belonging" sign was priceless.

On the way home, my seat was permanently in the recline position. I was so tired, however, that reclining seemed like a good idea. When hubby pointed out that the breaks sounded like we were running over baby elephants, I collapsed in exhausted giggles every time I heard the noise.

I gave this is my long-winded way of pointing out to the New York Times that I paid my own way to the rally.

We were dropped of in DC's Chinatown at 10:50 AM (or should I say we were ordered off the bus) so we had to walk 15 blocks to the rally. For a while, we feared we were the only ones who had showed up. Then we turned the corner.

People wearing red, white and blue were everywhere. It was like stumbling upon a kick ass Fourth of July party. There were folks speaking from a stage, using a public address system, but we couldn't see them over the crowd. We tried to make our way to the steps of the Capitol Building but security was blocking the area.

We stood there in complete awe... speechless for perhaps the first time in our lives, surrounded by folks who were laughing, singing and chanting, "USA! USA!" It seemed less like a political rally and more like a stroll through the Olympic Village.

As I described the scene on Twitter from my phone, "The happiest, most fun-loving "angry mob" i've ever been part of."


We decided to walk away from the Capitol Building, towards the Washington Monument, past the Porta-Potties (again from Twitter, "Crowd waiting 4 porta-potty is bigger than most anti-war rallies") to get a better sense of the event. That's when we ran into the marchers coming up Pennsylvania Avenue.

They kept coming and coming and coming. The crowd we had been a part of was just the tip of the iceberg.

Some of the festive marchers wore costumes. We particularly liked the old lady who was waving around an extension cord with a sign that read, "Don't unplug Granny" and the group of young men who donned astroturf sandwich boards, making them all look like Fred Flintstone at a St. Patrick's Day parade.



This was not the Million Mad March. (Although clearly there were at least hundreds of thousands of people... not the 75,000 that our local ABC affiliate reported today.)

Many of the signs people carried were funny. Even comedian Ron White's "You Can't Fix Stupid" tag line was in evidence.

The press, of course, fixated on the "Obama as Hitler" images of which there were thankfully few. In fact, the only person I saw being interviewed by a TV camera crew was clearly insane.

Yes, crazy people are going to show up at large gatherings. Just like the "Free Mumia" folks are always around when the left congregates. But, as I overheard a man say while talking on his cell, "Unfortunately, the (Lyndon) LaRouchers are here... But, they have free speech too, so I guess you have to expect it."

It's no wonder folks were taking turns having their photos taken in front of the Fox News van. They know Fox is the only news outlet who would be fair and balanced in their coverage. (MSNBC said 50,000 were in attendance. I'm sure they also made a lot of Tea Bagger jokes.)

Yesterday, I also Tweeted "Anarchists tear cities apart. Tea Party protesters rally and then visit the Air & Space Museum."

The founding fathers would have been impressed by the peaceful assembly. There was no tear gas. There were no screaming protesters being dragged into paddy wagons. There were no trash cans being hurled through windows. If anything, protesters were more concerned about getting a post-rally window seat at the famed Capitol Grille.

Apparently, the so-called "angry protesters" don't need anger management classes.

Afterwards, many of us decided to spend the rest of the afternoon taking in all the wonderful sights of DC. The Washington Monument, World War II Memorial and all the museums were crawling with folks wearing "Don't Tread On Me" T-shirts.

We decided to visit the National Museum of American History since it seemed an appropriate place to be on this day. (Besides two years ago we had seen most of the other museums in a marathon sightseeing day.) While going through security, the guard told us we have have to put away the small American flag we had affixed to our backpack because they don't "allow any propaganda in the building."

Say what?! Propaganda? It's the Museum of American History. How is an American flag propaganda in a museum dedicated to America?

My husband was stunned. He laughed in the way a person laughs when they are trying not to yell. He said, "I guess I better hide my miniature copy of the Declaration of Independence, since that might also be propaganda in a museum about American history."

It was a fitting end to a historic day.

The 9/12 rally was a life altering moment for many of the Libertarians, Independents and Conservatives who showed up. After years of being vilified by the press and ostracized by liberal friends, family and co-workers we now understand that there is strength in numbers. We're not going away.

After being ordered off the bus in Philly's Chinatown, we stumbled to a Vietnamese restaurant and gorged ourselves on Pho and Ban Mi. We were exhausted. Utterly and positively exhausted. But we were also relieved. Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing indeed.

ACORN

Holy crapzilla, Batman! There's a second video! This one was taped at the DC office. Will ABC, NBC and CBS pick up on the story now?

See it at BigGovernment.com.

National Day Of Service

Only in the upside-down world of President Barack Obama would a National Day Of Service be a fitting way to pay tribute to people who were killed by terrorists on 9-11. It figures a professed "community organizer" would come up with that idea.

Perhaps we should limit our "service" today to helping people who actually serve... military, policeman, fireman, etc. We have 364 other days in the year to plant inner city gardens. Let's save today for the people who protect us on a daily basis.

I highly doubt Obama's favorite group ACORN will be doing anything positive for the men in blue. They would rather spend our tax payer dollars helping pimps import underage hookers into the US.

When I first saw this video posted on BigGovernment.com I thought it was fake. Then the news hit that ACORN had fired the staffers featured in the undercover report.

My favorite part is when the good-hearted volunteer says, "You are not a prostitute. You are a performing artist."

Hey, I'm a performing artist! For two decades, I have listed "performer" as my occupation on my tax returns. Now everybody at the IRS is going to think I'm a whore!

This should be fun if I ever get audited. "Ms, Skene, we're suspicious that a hooker needs to rent so many cars."

Part I



Part II



I'm so glad ACORN receives millions of dollars of our tax money. At least it's being put to good use. I'm sure we could convince the teenage hookers to give up a Saturday afternoon to pick up trash near a homeless shelter. Now that would be giving back to the community.

I Am In The Junk File

Had you asked me a week ago to decribe an old friend of mine who is both a fairly well-known standup comic and PHD, I would have said, "He's the nicest guy in the world." What a difference a few days can make.

Earlier this week, Dr. Disdain (as I now call him) posted a health care related Facebook status which began by calling for a "counter-insurgency against the stupid." He then went on to declare folks who oppose universal health care as "stupid, ignorant and hostile."

So, we debated him. I wish I could reprint our comments but they have since been removed. I assure you, however, that what we wrote was reasoned, well-informed and thoughtful. It was by no means "stupid, ignorant and hostile."

But, to an arrogant man, any opposition is viewed as a attack, I suppose. We had the gall to offend his delicate sensibilities.

So, Mr. Academic-- who claimed to want reasoned debate-- decided instead to act like a 14-year-old and ditch us as Facebook friends. ROTFL.

I sent him an email expressing my disgust. I said I was disappointed in him. I said he should be ashamed of himself for not being able to handle a mere Facebook discussion. Here's what I found in my inbox this morning.

Traci, I was appalled by the condescending, scolding tone of your note. You do not know me well enough to launch that nonsense against me. I am on Facebook to stay in touch with family and friends. Once in a while, like most, I offer a rant of frustration. And in the beginning it was fine that Brian was challenging my thoughts. We exchanged a few times and then it started to get heated. It started to get uncomfortable because he seemed to be consistently missing my limited point about the lunatic fringe. You then entered in and it was getting strange (I got a half dozen emails from comedian friends asking what I has done to launch the heated exchanges). When Brian would not let it go I had enough. We are not that close that I need that grief.
As for your laughable note, Mommy, you lecturing me is absurd and obnoxious to say the least. You don't know me well enough and you aren't that bright. You two sound unhinged. Perhaps four decades of your strange lifestyle has distorted your perspective. Don't bother responding, you are in my junk file. No more contact. Buh Bye.

First of all, if he's only on Facebook to keep in touch with family and friends then why is he posting political statements calling half this country stupid? (To him, anybody who doesn't agree with him is part of the lunatic fringe.)

Secondly, I didn't "enter in" as he claimed. In fact, I started the whole thing. (Now, he's not just a creep, he's a sexist creep with an inability to follow a timeline.)

Thirdly, we received an email from a comic who opposed our views, complimenting us on our arguments. (The earlier assessment that "things got heated" is simply untrue. My husband was just stating facts and expressing opinions Dr. Disdain did not want to hear.)

So, now I'm unhinged and not that bright. As for my four decades of a strange lifestyle... well, I had no idea that my life has been weird since the age of four.

And don't even get me started about being called Mommy. Methinks our psychologist friend has some issues.

This type of person is the reason I am no longer a liberal and will never be one again. His pomposity is frightening. He's one of those intellectual, elite douchebags who thinks he know what's best for his fellow man.

I am one of those uninsured people who he claims to want to help. Evidently, I don't know what's good for me. Even worse, I have the audacity to speak my mind when clearly I should just stay quiet and let him do the thinking for both of us.

But, what do I know? I am obviously unhinged and not that bright.

You Go, Girls!

Before you watch the President's health care speech tonight, read this Salon piece by Camille Paglia and Sarah Palin's Op Ed in the Wall Street Journal. My vagina swells with pride.

I'll be in Philly tonight telling dick jokes at Helium Comedy Club so I'll miss Obama on Obamacare. I'll read the text when I get home.

Today we lost yet another friend over the health care debate. Apparently, liberals can't handle folks who disagree.

The Boy Who Cried Racism

The folks on the left are throwing around the "R" word a little too often these days.

Point out that former "Green Czar", Van Jones is a 9-11 Truther and you're a racist. It doesn't matter if you've been on record calling Rosie O'Donnel a whackjob for her similar beliefs. Nope, if you criticize Jones, you hate black people.

Oppose Obamacare and, that's right, you might as well have used the "N" word. The fact that you may have also been against Hillarycare doesn't count. You just want to keep the black man down.

Scoff at anything coming out of Reverend Jeremiah Wright's overactive mouth and you might as well go shopping for a white hood. Opposing Michael Moore and the rest of the "God Damn, America" crowd is inconsequential.

I thought we were living in a post-racial America? Try to judge folks on the content of their character and you're accused of only judging them by the color of their skin.

Is this the kind of change Obama had in mind?

Racism is an ugly biproduct of ignorance and intolerance. Let's save the word for people who are truly doing harm through their bigotry. By using the label for political gain, they are hurting the very people who are actual victims of this mentality. Eventually, the word will have no meaning at all.

Asking Charles Rangel to step down from the Ways and Means committee after he neglected to pay his taxes is not racist. Dragging James Byrd behind a pick-up truck is. See the difference?

Kennedy Song

Back in the '80's, I used to work quite frequently with a comedy team called Corson & Trueson. They split up many years ago, but their act still lives on in the memories of the comics who watched them perform.

When Ted Kennedy died, I immediately thought of their Kennedy Song. Apparently, so did a lot of other people because John Trueson reluctantly put one of their old videos up on You Tube.

It still makes me laugh.



My brother will be particularly pleased by this posting.

Amish Country

We've been working in Lancaster, PA this weekend. While stuck in traffic on Friday, my husband wrote a brilliant Amish joke.

On the way into Lancaster, we encountered some traffic... turns out it was some Amish folks burning Thomas Edison in effigy.

When performing in this area, many comics write their own Amish jokes but they usually have something to do with the surrounding towns being named Intercourse, Bird-In-Hand and Blue Ball. The audience obviously appreciated a more intellectual joke about their unusual neighbors.

Ladies Who Lunch

Yesterday afternoon, I had a delightful three hour lunch with an old comedy buddy of mine. The restaurant was a dive... some little pizza joint... but there are times when food is irrelevant. In fact, we talked so much our chewing just got in the way.

I ordered a turkey wrap which turned out to be the size of Shaquille O'Neal's foot. My friend ordered a salad. Just a salad. Not a high calorie Cobb salad or a cheese covered Mexican salad but a plain old vegetable salad. She didn't even have the decency to order blue cheese dressing. It's no wonder she weighs as much as a third grader.

We hadn't seen each other since we performed together last May. But, we did spend a significant amount of time on the phone as we were losing our mutual friend, Joy Little, to pancreatic cancer.

The funeral was only two weeks ago, so there was quite a bit of crying during our get-together. But there was also a ton of laughter.

I don't know how people who lack a sense of humor can cope with tragedy. To an outsider, some of our jokes may have seemed macabre or inappropriate but, to us, they were necessary and completely understandable.

My friend has taken this death very hard. She was extremely close to Joy. I feel very bad for her. But then she told me her favorite quote from Tallulah Bankhead: "Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering is optional".

We'll have to have lunch more often.

Prayer As Foreplay

Those crazy Catholics have done it again.

A book published by the Catholic Truth Society (sounds like a bad vocal group from the '70's) called Prayer Book For Spouses encourages married couples to pray-- yes, I said pray-- before sex.

The prayer is meant to help couples "purify their intentions." How this differs from the usual married prayer of "Dear God, let this be over with quickly" or "Dear God, please make her give me a blowie" is unclear.

Of course, if the Catholic Truth Society was really into Catholic truth, the 64-page book would include a pre-sex prayer for priests which merely says, "Holy Lord, don't let me get caught this time!"

Here is the prayer in its entirety.

Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes. Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will.

Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever. Mary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen.

That is hot! Maybe it would work if the prayer was recited while doing an impression of Barry White.

The minute the words "cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness" comes out of my mouth before sex is the minute you know I am waaaaaaaay too drunk to do the nasty.

Whatever happened to just screaming, "Oh God!" during orgasm? For most people, that the closest they every come to prayer.

Cat Scratch Fever

Not even PETA could help this kitty.



I'm guessing this cat got adopted by a Korean family. He appears to be good for one thing... lunch.