Lying About: Standup

If you have 9:49, check out our very first episode of "Lying About: Standup," entitled, "Is It Too Soon?" in which we discuss, among other things, whether it's too soon for comics to make jokes about the death of Michael Jackson.

Rejected Us Weekly Fashion Police Jokes 25

I have been a Top Cop for Us Weekly's Fashion Police since 2001. (Why do men always call it "U.S." Weekly even when they see it spelled with a big "U" and a small "s"?)

Some weeks many of my jokes are published while other weeks I have to settle for just one or two. Below is a partial list of comments that never made it to the newsstand.

Note: The ones marked "Accepted" are my comments that got in. The ones marked "Rejected" are the ones that didn't.



Drew Barrymore

Accepted: After she won the potato sack race, Drew refused to give the sack back.

Rejected: She got up from the picnic table and took the tablecloth with her.


Melissa Joan Hart

Accepted: The very first one-woman Disney parade!

Rejected: Hey, Little Miss Muffett! Where's your tuffett?


Carlos Santana

Rejected: He's the scariest ice cream man ever!

Rejected: Apparently, guitar heroes don't own mirrors.

Michael Jaskson

For more than an hour, TMZ was the only "news outlet" reporting the death of Michael Jackson. CNN refused to announce his passing until the LA Times had confirmed the same. TMZ was a victim of blog bias. While they we scooping the majors, MSNBC debated their credibility.

The reports of the main stream media's death may be greatly exaggerated but their demise is inevitable.

In the '80's, I loved Michael Jackson. But then I found out he was a child molester. No amount of album sales or influential videos will ever erase that fact in my mind.

I don't mind hearing about his place in music history but I can't listen to people like Donna Brazile talk about how he was a great humanitarian and caring human being. He was a child molester!

I'm sure his victims are not mourning his loss today.

I know you're not supposed to talk ill of the dead, but you're also not supposed to use innocent children for your own sexual gratification either.

Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with cancer today at the age of 62.

But this is how she will always be remembered.

Sanford And Son-Of-A-Bitch!

So, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wasn't alone during his "alone time" after all. To quote the great philosopher Gomer Pyle, "Surprise! Surprise!"

Gov. Mark Sanford admitted today that his secret trip to Argentina over Father's Day weekend was to visit a woman he is having an affair with.

But, but, but I thought he was hiking the Appalachian Trail!

"I have developed a relationship with what started as a dear dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently as I expect many of these things do, just casual email back and forth," Sanford said. "But here recently this last year developed into something much more."

Ah, yes, I know how he feels. For months I have been having casual back and forth emails with a very dear friend of mine from Nigeria. He promises to get me lots of money. Oh sure, our relationship is innocent now but I can see it developing into something much more.

Sanford said his wife has known about the affair and they have been working through it for the past five months.

Yes, and she continues to "work through it" by alerting the press to your "mysterious disappearance."

Way to go, Marky Mark.

He didn't need to clear his head, he needed to clear his pipes.

Hot Diggity Dog

Forget about your own backyard BBQ this 4th of July. The swingin'est Independence Day bash will be at the US Embassy. It's going to be RSVPee Your Pants fun!

WASHINGTON (AFP) — The United States said Monday its invitations were still standing for Iranian diplomats to attend July 4 celebrations at US embassies despite the crackdown on opposition supporters.

"Hello, this is Achmed Shamwow calling about the party. What can I bring? Beer? Dessert? Bullets?"

President Barack Obama's administration said earlier this month it would invite Iran to US embassy barbecues for the national holiday for the first time since the two nations severed relations following the 1979 Islamic revolution.

"There's no thought to rescinding the invitations to Iranian diplomats," State Department spokesman Ian Kelly told reporters.

"We have made a strategic decision to engage on a number of fronts with Iran," Kelly said. "We tried many years of isolation, and we're pursuing a different path now."

A path which leads right to the buffet table.

Instead of inviting the Iranian diplomats to our Independence Day festivities maybe we should invite the family of Neda Soltani, the Iranian woman who was shot to death on the streets of Tehran while fighting for her country's freedom. I'm sure they could use a tasty hot dog right about now.

This latest debacle just further proves that with the election of Barack Obama we have put mom in the White House and not dad.

When you're being bullied at school, dad teaches you how to fight. Mom invites the bully to your birthday party and says, "I think you could be friends if you just get to know each other."

Thanks mom. Thanks a whole helluva lot.

Exhaustion

You can be physically exhausted without being mentally exhausted but it's nearly impossible to be mentally exhausted without feeling like you've just run a marathon with Kirstie Alley on your back.

Cue the music to "Wipeout" 'cause I am wiped out!

My dad almost died on Wednesday. At 10 AM, after his surgery was completed, I got the dreaded "things aren't going well" phone call. The only thing I hate worse than the 10 AM "things aren't going well" phone call is the 2 AM "we have bad news" phone call. Sadly, I've experienced both. But I also know there's a substantial difference between "near-death" and "death" so I didn't give up hope. Besides I knew my dad would want to live just so he could yell at his doctors.

By Thursday night, he wasn't quite out of the woods but he could see the clearing. One minute he was on death's door and the next minute he was sitting up sucking on ice chips. The human body is an amazing thing indeed.

Friday, we piled our nephew and former sister-in-law in the car and headed south to Maryland for a charity golf tournament to raise money for our great-nephew's physical therapy. Drinking with the clan-in-laws was exactly what I needed to distract me from my dad's predicament. Hubby and I wound up playing horseshoes with two of our college-aged nephews so for the next two days I hobbled around with "horseshoe ass." (I dare you to go on WebMD and search for horseshoe ass.) Apparently, if you're right-handed, the left cheek plays a crucial role in the throwing of the horse's shoes. The sonofabitch still hurts 3 three days later! (For the record, nephew Danny and I won both games decisively.)

Saturday, my dad was finally home, but relapsing. My stress level was at Def-Con Charlie once again. Since drinking and socializing seemed to help the day before, we piled a friend in the car and headed north to Princeton, New Jersey to see my pal Bonnie McFarlane headline at Catch A Rising Star. She's hilarious both onstage and off. Plus she bought me a glass of cabernet which makes her the best friend ever.

Sunday was Father's Day and I was kicking myself (although not hard because I still had horseshoe ass) for not flying out to Phoenix to be with my father. Friends of ours-- who live only several blocks away but we rarely see-- invited us over for some good food and even better booze. At 10 PM my dad finally felt good enough to talk to me on the phone. When I hung up, the weight of the previous days came crushing down on me like Kirstie Alley if she's behind you at a buffet.

You know, if I wasn't so exhausted I could come up with something better than two Kirstie Alley similes but I'm as tired as Kirstie Alley after Thanksgiving dinner.

Update

My dad is in the hospital recovering from surgery. He's improving but I'm still quite worried.

Top Ten Liberal Guys I'd Hate To Fillibuster

In keeping with the spirit of Playboys' article Top Ten Conservative Women We'd Like To Fillibuster-- also known as the "hate f**k" piece-- I've decided to compile my own list of Top Ten Liberal Guys I'd Hate To Fillibuster -- from now on known as the "hate to f**k" posting. Why should misogynists have all the fun?

(Notice I said "hate to" and not "hate f**k." Big fat stinking difference. Also note that I've been married for 20 years and have no desire to have sex with anybody other than my husband.)

10. Barney Frank: Not wanting to have sex with the Massachusetts Congressman has nothing to do with him being homosexual. (Heck, cougars all across this great land of ours fantasize about AI's Adam Lambert.) I just imagine him to be a very juicy kisser.



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Protecting yourself from his saliva storm would mean dressing like you're sitting in the front row of a Gallagher show. Spittle is a turnoff.


9. Al Franken: If I only had one orgasm, the former comic turned almost Senator might demand a recount.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. I simply couldn't resist the urge to call his penis Stuart Smalley and say, "You're good enough, you're hard enough and, doggone, people like you."


8. Sean Penn: First of all, he had sex with Madonna. Second of all, he had sex with Madonna.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. He'd probably want to have a threesome with Hugo Chavez.


7. Aaron Sorkin: Can you imagine his rapid-fire dirty talk? Foreplay would take 60 minutes... 42 with commercials.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Sex would probably be canceled right before the finale.


6. Al Gore: His favorite pick-up line, "Is it getting hot in here or are you just emitting copious amounts of greenhouse gasses?"



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. There hasn't been a tree this effeminate since H.R. Pufnstuf was on the air.


5. Joe Biden: Biden wrote the book on love making. Okay, he plagiarized most of it. Here's my impression of any woman-- including his "beautiful wife, Jill"-- having sex with the Vice-President. "Joe, would you just shut the hell up!"

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Here's my second impression of any woman-- including his "beautiful wife, Jill"-- having sex with the Vice-President. "Yes, yes, I know, Joey's Amtrak train is pulling into the station. Choo choo."


4. Keith Olberman: Might name me "Worst Person In The World" when it's over. Or he would name himself "Worst Person In The World" while he masturbates. Either one is a major turnoff... worse than spittle.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Thinks setting the mood includes wine, candles and a videotape of President Obama's inauguration speech.


3. Chris Matthews: See spittle.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. See spittle.


2. John Cougar Mellencamp: Because I suspect he calls women's vaginas "Little Pink Houses."

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Would refuse tp buy me a Valentine's gift citing materialism and corporate greed. Instead, would write a song for me then sell the rights to a car company for their latest ad campaign.


1. Michael Moore: The next time he goes to Cuba for healthcare he should stop by the duty free shop for a razor and a new hat.



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: Extremely High. I'd rather have sex with Janeane Garofalo.


Of course, the eleventh spot is reserved for Guy Cimbalo, author of the Playboy article. But, I didn't want to honor him by putting him in the Top Ten.

My Advice For Teenage Girls

1. Don't have sex... mostly because teenage boys have no idea what they're doing. Besides, having sex on your parents' couch is only fun after you're married and home for the holidays. Same is true for your parents' closet and the backseat of your parents' car.

2. Don't drink alcohol... mostly because teenage boys have no idea how to make a proper cocktail. Besides, underage, illegal binge drinking usually only leads to bad sex with teenage boys. Plus getting carded is stressful. Not as stressful as not getting carded when you're in your 30's but stressful nonetheless.

3. Enjoy making out! Kissing is so much fun but, once you start having sex, kissing becomes foreplay, so enjoy kissing while kissing is still kissing. Kissing is not teasing. Lap dancing is teasing. Flashing your tits is teasing. Sending X-rated text messages is teasing. Kissing is good old fashioned, lip-chapping fun.

4. Ignore everything a teenage boy tells you unless he's helping you with math. Teenage boys do not have a right brain and a left brain. Teenage boys have a top brain and a bottom brain and that bottom brain is called their penis. The top brain drives the car. The bottom brain controls everything else.

5. In fact, ignore everything a teenage girl tells you unless she's helping you with math. Teenagers-- and that includes you-- know very little and lie about quite a bit.

Most importantly, don't believe the sick twisted adults who tell you these are the best years of your life.

Yes, I'm available for graduations.

For Tweet's Sake 2

Here are some of my recent Twitter postings.

Thinks "The Mariana Trench" would be a really bad nickname for a woman's Va-Jay-Jay.

Followed a guy with an "I'm speeding because I have to poop" bumper sticker just to see what he looked like.

Joke for Letterman: In England, the first daughters visited the Harry Potter set. Malia got knocked up under the invisible cloak.

Slutty flight attendant look? On Southwest they look like field hockey coaches. On DELTA they look like grandpa's 2nd wife.

Perhaps a bad dream is just my brain's way of telling me that I sleep too much.

Kicked butt in computer Scrabble: Scored 492 with 104 in one turn. Boo-ya! (Not a Scrabble word.)

I always feel good when I clean off my desk but not nearly as good as I had imagined.

"Buy dad a pair of eco-certified hemp shoes with soles made from reused car tires." I think he'd rather have Scotch.

Susan Boyle should change her name to Lance A. Boyle. (The image results for lancing boils are eerily similar to her 8x10.) Ouch!

Rented Paul Blart Mall Cop because Kevin James is the only person in the DVDExpress box who hubby (@brianmckim) has played poker with.

On vacation, you can have coconut rum and guava juice for breakfast. At home, it just means you have a drinking problem.

Dance Party Friday!

This whole Letterman/Palin joke controversy is causing me a great deal of stress. I need a break from thinking. I need a break from arguing. I need a break from thinking and arguing.

So, let's dance! Yeh Yeh!



The original "Yeh Yeh" by Georgie Fame.



And now a karaoke version.

Brian The Tiger

My husband has finally given me permission to post this picture from our recent trip to Hawaii. Consider this a cautionary tale. This is what happens to a person of Irish ancestry who lounges by the pool and ignores his nagging wife when she waves around a tube of 30 sunblock and repeatedly says, "Put it on! Put it on!"



His explanation for the tiger pattern is painfully honest, "The bottom stripes are from my book. The top stripes are from my man tits."

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

The other day I posted the following joke on Twitter.

I don't understand erotic asphyxiation. Why not erotic heimlich? Your life would be saved and you'd get dinner.

Yesterday, one of my Twitter pals sent me a link to the following NY Post article on the death of David Carradine.

In a twist that could be straight out of one the "Kill Bill" star's movies, attorney Mark Geragos suggested that Carradine may have been killed as he tried to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld.

The lawyer said the actor's family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong -- despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.

The family also refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt (try saying that ten times fast) even though in 1993 his wife claimed in divorce papers that Carradine was "a fan of potentially deadly kinky sex acts." Perhaps he was only a fan of potentially deadly kinky sex acts with members of the underground martial-arts world.

If it wasn't so tragic it would be hilarious. Actually, it's still pretty hilarious.

Face it Carradine clan, your patriarch liked to get his rocks off by tying his rocks off. "Snatch the rope from my hand, grasshopper and tie it around my neck and nuts!"

But let's play their little game, maybe Carradine was just a klutz and the rope accidentally tied around his neck and genitals when he was trying to hang up a shirt in his closet.

If Geragos is right and I'm wrong, I will be the first to apologize. I will even make a donation to the Former TV Stars Against The Marial-Arts Underworld Foundation if necessary.

But the family has to realize that between the announcement of Carradine's death and the announcement of the cause of his death, he became a punchline. Positing even more bizarre theories does nothing for his legacy.

Wild Idol Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert is gay! Man, I haven't been this shocked since Clay Aiken came out of the closet. Before that I hadn't been so surprised since The Village People revealed their homosexual tendencies. (Yes, there was a time when the average American didn't know The Village People were gay. To this day, I still bust my brother's chops for innocently saying back in the early '80's, "I hear the construction worker is married to a very good looking woman.")

Do I care that Adam Lambert is gay? Of course not. The only people who should care that Adam Lambert is gay are his parents, his ex-girlfriends (almost all gay men have them) and Idol runner-up Kris Allen who bunked with Lambert during the competition.

From the Rolling Stone article:

When he moved into the show's Bel-Air mansion with the other finalists, he roomed with Kris Allen, who won the "Idol" title over Lambert last month.

"I was like, `Oh, (bleep), they put me with the cute guy,'" Lambert says. "Distracting! He's the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show: nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type — except that he has a wife. I mean, he's open-minded and liberal, but he's definitely 100 percent straight."

Yeah, I bet that wasn't at all distracting for Allen.

There's no doubt that Lambert's sexual preference cost him the American Idol title but not because America is a land of homophobes as some might assume. He was runner-up because the overwhelming majority of Idol voters are little girls.

While little girls may have crushes on boys who look like little girls (for me, it was Leif Garrett), those same little girls want boys who like girls. It's that simple. The concept of "turning a guy" doesn't even creep into the female psyche until freshman year of college.

There was simply no way a gay man was going to get more ten-year-old-girl votes than Kris Allen, a guy who even Lambert describes as nice, nonchalant and pretty.

Lambert should drop the Freddie Mercury glam-rock facade, move to New York and take-over Broadway. If Constantine Maroulis can get a Tony nomination, so can he.

Pyongyang Or Bust

If a tree falls down on the job, and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

And, of course, by "tree" I mean Al Gore.

Yesterday, two of Al Gore's reporters for his Current TV, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, were sentenced by North Korea to 12 years of hard labor for illegally entering NK and "grave crimes" against the country. Although, I think the only grave crime against North Korea is Kim Jong Il's hair.


Obama is deeply concerned. Al Gore has been strangely silent.

Latest reports indicate that Gore may travel to North Korea to negotiate their release.

Now, I understand such actions must be cleared by both the current administration and the State Department, but where's the bluster? Where's the tough talk? If Al Gore is an expert on global warming then where, at least, is the hot air?

Can you imagine if Dick Cheney had started an all-news channel and his reporters were captured by crazy commies? Do you really think we'd be reading stories about how Cheney may help negotiate their release? By this time, Cheney would be crawling across the border into South Korea with Kim Jong Il's bloody toupee in his teeth.

The women have been in custody since March but the story only became public as the trial date neared. Ling, who's sister Lisa Ling has been publicly pleading for mercy, must be in more hell right now than she was when co-hosting The View.

Experts speculate North Korea will use the women as negotiating tools. If I were king of the forest, here would be my proposal, "You send us back our reporters and we won't put a rocket up your ass."

Failed Product Hall Of Fame

On the clearance rack at my local supermarket was a can of Fabreze Moroccan Bazaar. I wonder why the price was drastically reduced? Could it be the name of the scent?!

Have the folks at Fabreze ever smelled a Moroccan Bazaar? Personally, I don't want my couch to smell like body odor, snakes and snakes with body odor.



The only place a Moroccan Bazaar smells good is at Epcot and that's because it's Disney. Even giant rats smell good at Disney.

When I see Moroccan Bazaar, I just think BO in a can. I think of somebody coming out of a bathroom saying, "Don't go in there, it smells like a Moroccan Bazaar."

The website describes the aroma as "Fresh-ground ginger, one of the many stimulating scents at a Moroccan spice market." The only thing that would be stimulated is my gag reflex.

Perhaps they should have just called the product Fabreze Ginger. If nothing else, it would have been bought by Gilligan's Island fans.

Sam Butera Dead At 81

If I had a time machine, I wouldn't waste my travels on stealing Lincoln's theater tickets or talking Hitler's mother into having an abortion. I would selfishly head straight to 1950's Las Vegas to see Louis Prima, Keely Smith and Sam Butera perform in their prime.

Jake Crosses The Finish LIne!

My great-nephew Jake (the one who has Angelman Syndrome (AS) and agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC), both extremely rare conditions) participated in the Angelman's Walk-a-thon a few weeks ago. For the first time, he was able to cross the finish line unassisted.



We're heading down to Maryland on the 19th for Jake's annual charity golf tournament which helps pay for his dolphin therapy. We don't golf... but we do party, so it should be a lot of fun.

Energy Concerns... Yeah, That's The Ticket

Do you hear that noise? That's Bebe Netanyahu's head exploding.

From the Washington Post:

LONDON -- President Barack Obama suggested that Iran may have some right to nuclear energy _ provided it proves by the end of the year that its aspirations are peaceful.

In a BBC interview broadcast Tuesday, he also restated plans to pursue direct diplomacy with Tehran to encourage it set aside any ambitions for nuclear weapons it might harbor.

Iran has insisted its nuclear program is aimed at generating electricity. But the U.S. and other Western governments accuse Tehran of seeking atomic weapons.

"What I do believe is that Iran has legitimate energy concerns, legitimate aspirations," Obama said, adding that the international community also "has a very real interest" in preventing a nuclear arms race.

The president has indicated a willingness to seek deeper international sanctions against Tehran if it does not respond positively to U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama has said Tehran has until the end of the year to show it wants to engage with Washington.

I get the feeling that if Obama were an abused spouse, rather than President of the United States, he would regularly fall for the "Baby, I swear, it'll never happen again" line.

Apparently, Iran sent him a dozen roses and a big box of chocolates.

Didn't POTUS watch any ABC After School Specials when he was a kid? Doesn't he know that befriending bullies only gets you stuffed into a locker while your real friends-- you know, the ones you let down in Act Three-- continue having a grand ol' time playing RISK without you?

Obama is Scott Baio. England and Israel are Lance Kerwin and Kadeem Hardison.

I can only hope that at the end of this little playlet, Obama says, "I hope we're still buddies." Then England and Israel punch him in the arm and say, "Come on, let's go get some fries."

Playboy Oh Boy

The folks at Playboy got caught in a shit storm without an umbrella today when they printed the wildy offensive article "Top Ten Conservative Women We'd Like To Filibuster." For hours, outrage ricocheted around the internet until the editors at the famed men's monthly took the piece down. Apparently, Playboy dudes have penises but they are seriously lacking in balls. In other words, they can get it up but, if there's pressure, they can't keep it up.

I still have the first page in my cache so here's how the article begins.

Obama promised us the dream of post-partisanship—- a cuckoo land where party affiliation and factional animosity were forgotten. Turn on cable news or open any newspaper, however, and you'll quickly discover that the dream has yet to materialize. But there is a way to reach across the aisle without letting principles fall by the wayside. We speak, naturally, of the hate fuck. We may despise everything these women represent, but goddammit they're hot. Let the healing begin.

Hate fuck?! Wow, my vagina is just a little bit uncomfortable right now.

First on the list is Michelle Malkin, blogger, pundit and-- just thought I should throw this in-- wife and mother. The author of this failed attempt at humor, Guy Cimbalo (odd, that his last name sounds like an erectile dysfunction drug-- "Cimbalo, for when the moment is right.") -- describes her "Hate Fuck Sex Rating" as "worse than fucking Eva Braun." Ah yes, let the healing begin.

I think the only hate sex occurs when the author masturbates.

Also on the list are Fox News' Megyn Kelly, View co-host Elizabeth Hasslebeck and former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan. All strong, smart, funny women who certainly don't need the help of my little blog to stick up for them. In fact, I'd pay a million bucks to see Kelly debate Cimbalo. In 30 second she'd shrink him to the size of a Tic Tac.

As a professional standup comic, I rarely think that it's possible for a humor piece to go too far, but this is just so... creepy... even by Playboy standards. I'm sure Hef's ex-girlfriend, Kendra would even be offended. Although only because she'd roll her overly made-up eyes, stamp her whore-shoe-covered-feet and say, "I don't understand! Why do these women hate to fuck?!"

If you're going to knowingly offend-- oh and you know there were lots of high fives in the office-- then you should have the guts to stand by your words. Not put up a message that reads, "Sorry, no content was found for your search. Let us make it up to you! Click here for a 3-day trial in the Cyber Club!"

Playboy really is full of pussies.

Hot Date

Apparently, the Obama date cost $24,000. Why didn't they take advantage of Applebee's 2 For $20,000 deal?