The Big Island Of Hawaii: Photographic Evidence

The black sand beach was beautiful in person, but in this picture it looks like an asphalt parking lot. Punaluu is on the southern end of the island. We drove there prior to visiting Volcanoes National Park. Giant turtles swimming near the shore are the main attraction.

Black sand beaches are rare in Hawaii so visitors are discouraged from taking any of the sand home. The same is true for the green sand beach but, after being knocked over by a wave, I took about a pound back to the hotel in my ass.



Here's Brian parked at Laupahoehoe the site of a deadly tsunami back in the '40's. There's a memorial nearby paying tribute to the two dozen children who perished in their classroom. Very sad.

We put 950 miles on our rented Alamo Jeep during our ten-day trip. On day eight, we met a fellow Alamo Jeep renter who expressed disappointment in the company's policy of not allowing their vehicles at certain parts of the island. Nobody told us. The guy at the counter only told my husband how to get out of the parking lot. So, of course, we took the car all the places we weren't supposed to go. Ignorance is bliss.

The top of Mauna Kea was one of the places we weren't supposed to drive. At 13,000 feet, it's understandable why Alamo wouldn't want anybody to drive up the windy dirt road. We stopped at the visitor's center for the mandatory 30 minute acclimation period but, apparently, it wasn't enough. At the summit, we both got dizzy, got back in the car, got out of the car, snapped a couple of pictures, got dizzy again and decided to drive back down before we died. But, seeing the giant observatory up close was exciting even though we were terrified and sick the entire time.

This road was open until 1990 when Pele created a major detour. The sign is actually kind of funny considering the giant mound of approaching lava was probably a good indication that the road was closed. This was also once the site of Hawaii's most famous black sand beach until it disappeared. Pele giveth and Pele taketh away.

Everywhere you go in Vocanoes National Park there are signs that say "Lava Flow June 1976", "Lave Flow March 1964", "Lava Flow October 2004." Pretty scary. I half expected to see a sign that said, "Lava Flow In Fifteen Minutes."

This is as close as you can get to Pu'u 'O'o, the current, active spatter cone, while in the Park. Afterward, we drove back towards Hilo and headed down Route 130 to get a better view at night. It was a regular party! Parking attendants directed us to our spot, vendors set up tents and about 100 people grabbed their water bottles and flashlights for the hike towards the coast. Seeing the lava explode as it hits the water was truly spectacular. It's such a pretty shade of red. Sadly, our camera was not up to the job of capturing its beauty.

Waipio is one of the prettiest spots on the island. Only 4-wheel-drive vehicles are allowed to drive to the bottom but, since we now knew that this was off-limits to Alamo, we chickened out and chose to walk.

Hiking down was fine. Hiking back up was torture. A mile doesn't sound far but it might as well be a marathon when you're walking at a 30 per cent grade. We would walk for a minute then rest for 90 seconds all the way up. Towards the end I think we walked for 45 seconds and rested for a week and a half. My calves may never forgive me.

This is the view from our balcony at the Hilo Hawaiian. At the end of the bridge is Coconut Island which was packed with locals during the Memorial Day weekend. It was a very serene setting compared to the crashing waves outside our window in Kona. Both have their merits. At night we would drink coconut rum and guava juice while watching the water. Okay, sometimes we did it in the afternoon as well.

Scroll down a few posts to see some pics from Kona.

The Big Island Of Hawaii: Food For Thought

I'm back in Jersey, and I miss rice and Portuguese sausage for breakfast.

At home, I would only eat this combination first thing in the AM if I'd been snowed in for a few days and I'm running out of food. In Hawaii, however, it makes sense. Even McDonald's serves this delightful artery- and colon-clogging meal.

Most mornings, however, we ate tropical fruit on our ocean-view balcony: pineapple (low-acid), apple bananas (tiny and tart), white sapote (allegedly tastes like pears but I thought it tasted like air) and mangos (we found three at the base of a tree in the parking lot where we kayaked... yes, it was a mango tree... it would be weird if we ate mangos found beneath a Dogwood.)

Normally, I don't write about vacation food, but we were stunned by how many great meals we consumed. And even more stunned by how little most of those great meals cost. On Oahu, we might go out for one or two nice dinners, but the majority of our eating hours would be spent at Jack In The Box or California Pizza Kitchen.

On The Big Island, tasty food became a big part of the trip.

Before leaving the mainland, we purchased "Hawaii The Big Island Revealed" by Andrew Doughty, even though many web sites claim the locals despise this book. It turned out to be the best money we spent. Not only did we see and do things we never would have seen and done with only our AAA guide as a reference, but we "found" restaurants that, as tourists, we may never have discovered on our own.

In Kona, the fish burritos at Killer Taco ($5.50) were so much better than a Big Mac we ate there three times. The Vietnamese spicy lemongrass chicken sandwich at Ba-Le ($5.50) just might be the best sandwich creation since the Philly cheesesteak. (Caution: we discovered on the plane that Vietnamese food can make for some majorly stinky burps, so it probably wasn't a good idea to eat one just before flying. My apologies to the people who sat near us. Hell, my apologies to the people who sat six rows away.)

On the 25th anniversary of our first date, we went to the Kona Brewing Company-- because my husband loves local brew and I love pub grub... and I love my husband ($36.00 for two entrees, two beers including tip).

On our way to South Point, we took the advice of the book (confirmed by a couple of friends from Hawaii) to eat pork chops ($9.95) at the Manago Hotel. What other people see as "homey" some folks might see as "run down". We saw it as homey yet run down. I was only 11:30 AM when we arrived so there was no possible way we could consume all the food the other folks seemed to have no problem consuming at 11:30 AM. The side dishes are served family style-- it's kind of like being stuck at a not-very-well-thought-out neighborhood BBQ-- Large bowls of baked beans, rice, potato salad a fried onions are placed on your table before the entree even arrives. (I'll never understand why Hawaiians insist on eating rice and potato salad together. It's just wrong on so many levels.)

We opted instead for the fish sandwich ($6.50) which came with a side of potato chips which are made at a shop next door. (Yes, we picked up a bag or two of those chips on the way to the car.) But don't even think about handing the (somewhat joyless) waitress your credit card. This is a cash-only establishment.

On our own, we found freakishly good pad thai at the ridiculously named Thai Rin located almost across the street from the Royal Kona hotel. I don't know how much it cost because hubby went for take-out. I might be shocked when we get our Mastercard bill.

The Royal Kona, by the way, has an ultra cool ocean front tiki bar with great happy hour specials. I think their "world famous mai tai" is only five bucks for a few hours each day. I had the mid-afternoon full-price mango tango while hubby had the beer sampler which was much more reasonable. Then I made him take Lactaid pills and help me finish my drink (which had to be 1,000 calories).

Hilo is a lot less touristy, so we were determined to try more local fare. Our experiences were hit and miss. The loco moco at Cafe 100 ($1.99-$5.49) was so strange my husband felt guilty taking the free "I Love My Loco Moco" bumper sticker. Although, he somehow managed to inhale the egg, rice, meat, gravy dish like he was a vacuum cleaner and it was cat fur.

The strawberry mochi at Two Ladies Kitchen ($3.75) -- described as "a doughy rice flour desert stuffed with bean paste"-- was a little too much for our Western palate. My husband said it was like "if candy grew skin."

The mahi mahi pita with curried rice at Puka Puka ($9.95) , however, was to-die-for, but all the garlic sent my GERD into a tailspin making me fear that lunch was something I really was going to die for.

The folks at Low International (not mentioned in the book) surprised us when they served a fish sandwich wrapped in a thin egg crepe. (We feared they were playing a joke on the Mainlanders.) But we threw on a little Korean ketchup (they charge extra for condiments) and it was edible. The place is really famous for their bread which is baked on the premises. We bought a loaf of Mango bread ($3.75) and devoured it within 24 hours. The local birds liked it too. Although they eat like birds while we ate like Summo wrestlers.

Also not mentioned in the book, was a little Indonesian restaurant near Waipio where they cook the food on a grill on the patio. We split a chicken entree ($15.00) because we had just hiked the valley (one mile up at a 30% grade) and, while we knew we needed food, we were too tired to eat a whole lot of food. But even though we were near death, we enjoyed it, sensing it just may be our last meal.

But, our best meal by far, was the recommended Kiawe Kitchen located in Volcano Village. Our plan A was to buy a hot dog at Volcano National Park. So we were thrilled when we checked the book once again and went with Plan B. As you can probably tell by now, I am a sucker for a good sandwich and an outdoor table, so as I sat on the front porch eating an amazing lamb sandwich ($11.00) , I think a tear came to my eye. They also served local Hilo brew which hubby drank even though we hadn't started hiking yet. Oh well, he's Irish, he can handle it.

Toss in a few Maui-made cookies, some Big Island Tropical Dream ice cream, Kona coffee-covered macadamia nuts and lots of coconut rum and it's no wonder we each gained a few pounds even though we hiked and paddled and stayed busy nearly every minute of every day.

Oh well, we'll take it off... eventually. Tonight, while writing this in New Jersey, I had a salad for dinner. Of course, I'm still drinking coconut rum. I guess I'm not ready to let go of Hawaii just yet. Maybe I'll have rice and Portuguese sausage for a big Sunday breakfast tomorrow. And then it's back to oatmeal... I swear.

Hawaii Tweets

Slept for 10 1/2 hours. Woke up and realized that I hadn't showered in 72 hours.

Here are some vacation Tweets from the past week or so. It was frustrating not having good internet access during our stay. But maybe it was just as well we were off the computer for awhile.

On vacation, you can have coconut rum and guava juice for breakfast. At home, it just means you have a drinking problem.

Hawaii Thoughts: It should be rice OR macaroni salad, not rice AND macaroni salad.

Day Nine Hilo: Hiked Waipio. One mile straight up at a 30% grade. Thought we were going to die. In fact, we may have. Can't remember.

Day Eight Hilo: Drove to the top of Mauna Kea... 13,000 feet. Got dizzy. Drove back down. Still fun.

Day Seven Hilo: Went to Volcanoes National Park. Saw lava flowing into the ocean. Better than fireworks.

Day Six Hilo: Ate a loco moco: egg, rice, meat and gravy. They must smoke a lot of pot here in Hilo for this to be popular.

Kona Day Four: 25th Anniversary of our first date. Sat by the pool and drank Mango Tangos until the sun set.

I hope this gives you some idea of what we did all week. I'll write more later. Adjusting to the real world again is a bitch.

Mashable's 85 Comics To Follow On Twitter

While I was away on vacation, Mashable named me one of the 85 Comics To Follow On Twitter. Thanks kids.

We're back from Kona after a grueling 20 hours of travel. I'll post more pics and a vacation wrap-up tomorrow. Right now I need to slip into a bourbon induced coma.

Aloha From Hawaii 3: "A room with a view"

I saw the strangest bird on our hotel neighbor's balcony this past Thursday night. It was attached to a half-naked man and in the mouth of a woman who was only wearing a thong. All I wanted to do was have a nice coconut rum while watching the surf but instead I found myself in the middle of a porno.

Yes, I called security. Mostly because they didn't have the decency to turn out the lights before going at it. I would have yelled, "Get a room!" but they already had one. Sorry, but I paid for an ocean view, not an ass view.

Right not we're watching canoe races in Kailua Bay. In a few hours, we'll pack up the Jeep and head east to Hilo. We're going to miss Kona.

The view from our balcony: our pet palms-- to the far left if Hans... to the right, in the center, is Fronds.

Aloha From Hawaii 2

I don't think I've ever checked my email in a prettier setting. The water is a sparkling blue, the hibiscus are the size of dessert plates and the Geckos are telling me how to lower my car insurance with Geiko.

The weather has been ridiculously perfect. We just stopped at a farmer's market and bought a low-acid pineapple with no idea how we're going to cut it up with a pocket knife in our hotel room. No worries. We're in Hawaii. We'll figure something out.

Here's a few vacation Tweets I've posted in the last few days.

Kona Day One: A drunk local sang Foreiner's "Urgent" to me while we waited for thai take-out.

Kon Day Two: Ate a fish burrito and no that's not a euphemism. Kayaked with a guy who looks like Jim Gaffigan.

Kona Day Three: Squealed like a girl as we took the Jeep for some off-road driving. Frolicked on a green sand beach.

Aloha From Hawaii

When I got on the plane in LA I had chills and aching joints. When I got off the plane in Kona, I had a tempuratrue of 100.4. Luckily my fever broke overnight so I was able to go kayaking this morning. After paddling around the ocean for two hours, however, I fear I'm going to have to hire somebody to feed me for the next few days. My arms are already useless.

The weather is perfect so far. The view from our balcony at the Royal Kona is spectacular. Yes, we're having fun.

And, yes, we did get to meet the great Shecky Greene on Sunday night. For pics and a review of sorts, go to SHECKYmagazine.

Traci Skene, Traci Skene, Where Have You Been?

I'm in a hotel in Los Angeles, stuffed with free waffles and packing up to head back to Las Vegas.

Tonight we're going to see Shecky Greene perform at the Suncoast casino. Hopefully, we'll get to meet the man after the show. We've spoken to him on the phone so he knows we're coming. If the grip and grin photo doesn't happen, I'm going to curl up into a fetal position and cry my little eyes out.

I've had so much fun hanging out with comics over the past three days. Don't believe what you read about standups in the paper. Most are the nicest, funniest people you will ever encounter. Yes, there are jackasses but, then again, I've met toll takers with a bad attitude. Jerks are jerks no matter what they do for a living.

We already checked in online for our flight to Kona, Hawaii tomorrow. So far, this is a great vacation.

The Black Sphere

On Twitter, I "met" Kevin Jackson, the brains behind The Black Sphere blog. Yesterday, he Tweeted about his latest video "Great Moments In Democrat Racist History." It's really well done.

I've always wondered why Republicans are considered the racist party when the Democrats were the ones who propped up former Klansman, Senator Robert Byrd for so many centuries. Apparently, he wasn't an anomaly.

Back To The Bull

Rodeo star aka Jewel's husband, Ty Murray was kicked off Lap Dancing With The Stars last night. His departure wasn't a shock. If anything, it's amazing that he lasted as long as he did.

When the show first started he was terrible. Here's what I said about him week one during the Watch With Comics, Dancing With The Stars Tweetcast.

I think Jewel's tooth could dance better than Jewel's husband.

A rodeo clown needs to come out and take Ty off the dance floor.

Ty is approaching the cha cha just like bull riding. Does that mean they're going to cinch up his scrotum?

I haven't seen this many sixes thrown around since the last time I went to a Satanist convention.

But my cowboy hat is off to the man, he did indeed improve, going from John Wayne to Fred Astaire in a matter of weeks.

Here he is during the show's premier:



Now here's Ty gliding across the dance floor a few weeks later:



Ty may not be as inspirational as a deaf contestant or a dancer with a fake leg (Marlee Matlin and Heather Mills) but he sure does make us normal folk think that maybe, just maybe, we could be ballroom dancers.

Rejected Us Weekly Fashion Police Jokes 24

I have been a Top Cop for Us Weekly's Fashion Police since 2001. (Why do men always call it "U.S." Weekly even when they see it spelled with a big "U" and a small "s"?)

Some weeks many of my jokes are published while other weeks I have to settle for just one or two. Below is a partial list of comments that never made it to the newsstand.

Note: The ones marked "Accepted" are my comments that got in. The ones marked "Rejected" are the ones that didn't.



Kate Walsh

Accepted: Wardrobe provided by the L.A. Department of Corrections.

Rejected: Mesmerizing in its awfulness.

Kate Moss

Rejected: Xanadu? More like Xanadon't!

Rejected: It's so '80's. And by '80's I mean 2080.

Lady Gaga

Accepted: She likes to catch Frisbees with her head.

Rejected: A skirt that doubles as an ottoman.

Free At Last!

U.S. journalist, Roxana Saberi will finally be freed from an Iranian jail.

Roxana Saberi, a 32-year-old dual American-Iranian national, was convicted last month of spying for the U.S. and sentenced to eight years in prison. An appeals court heard her case on Sunday.

But, in more important news, Joan Rivers wins Celebrity Apprentice!

Gee, which story do you think will hog up more of today's news cycle?

Sadly, Joan Rivers' bad plastic surgery TRUMPS Ms. Saberi's hunger strike. Had Saberi been falsely accused by Annie Duke instead of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, perhaps she'd be a household name.

Mother

Albert Brooks' "Mother" is the perfect movie to watch on Mother's Day if you have a sense of humor about the woman who raised you.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

In an interview with Ladies Home Journal, glassy-eyed American Idol judge and former '80's off-key video star, Paula Abdul finally-- and I do mean finally-- admitted to having an addiction to pain killers. Or did she?

In a statement released today, Abdul claims she wasn't in rehab. No, it appears she was just... relaxing. Ohhhhh reallllly? This is better than Charles Barkley claiming his was misquoted in his autobiography.

"I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life," Abdul said. "I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

"I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility."

Yes, you spent some time hiking, bicycling and doing yoga right after you spent some time puking into a bucket.

Seriously, Paula?

If you've never been addicted and you've never been drunk then how do you explain the vacant stare, incoherent statements and inability to hold your head up. Good God woman, you've been practically drooling into your big red Coca-Cola sponsored cup!

Maybe you did go to rehab but you were so highed-up you merely thought you were on vacation.

For Tweet's Sake

I am in the process of recovering from a horribly bad GERD night. I felt the first symptom around midnight while we were playing computer Scrabble. Within moments, my stomach was at Def Con Charlie. I immediately took a Zantac which probably wasn't a good idea since I had already taken a Prilosec earlier in the day, but I was desperate.

I spent the next few hours pacing and thrashing about before finally pulling out the sofa bed and allowing the Tylenol PM take effect.

I woke up feeling hungover which is a typical reaction.

This is just a long and convoluted way of saying that I don't really feel like writing today. Of course, in the time it took me to write this I could have written something far more entertaining.

Instead I'm going to share some of the Tweets I've posted on Twitter over the last few days and weeks.

Drinking on Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day is like only going to church on Christmas and Easter. Doesn't count.

Opened up a bottle of wine but didn't like it so we tossed it out and opened another bottle. The lesson? Drink responsibly.

Tomorrow we will all celebrate Barfo in the Cinco de Mayo.

My sprained pinky is taped to my ring finger in the "Live Long And Prosper" position.

I watched House and Medium tonight instead of Lap Dancing With The Stars. Although, if it really was called Lap Dancing With The Stars...

Just ran three miles in the cold and rain. I'm as miserable as a cat that's stepped in syrup.

I just saw baby ducks. They didn't look anything like their dad. I think mommy duck has some explaining to do.

It's quite frightening when my husband gets angry with electronic equipment. It's a good thing he can't marry a Fembot.

I'm still planning our trip to Hawaii. I can't decide between snorkeling, kayaking or waterboarding.

I'm about to drink a glass of $30 bourbon while watching a $1 movie rental. It's all about priorities.

Jake

I've mentioned our great-nephew Jake a few times in the cyber pages of this site. He's a beautiful little boy who was born with Angelman Syndrome (AS) and agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC), both extremely rare conditions.

Our niece blogs about his life on a semi-regular basis, chronicling both the good and bad. Her May 4 entry made me want to cry.

I have no doubt that miracles happen and that healing is more about a person's attitude and perspective than modern medicine, but I have come to the realization that Jake can't be fixed (his chromosome is partially missing). More importantly, I have come to accept that he is who he is because God wants him to be that way and that he was sent to me to help me help others. I am still figuring it all out and trying to find the best avenue to take. Obviously if there are new treatments and things along the way that can help Jake, I'm all for it, but I am done trying to fix/cure him. Does this make sense? I'm still figuring it all out. This is the best way for me to "rationalize" something that I thought (and sometimes still do) was completely unfair and unimaginable to me. He is my happy Sugar Man who continues to bring smiles to everyone every day. For that, I am grateful.

Jake does bring smiles to everyone everyday. Perhaps his purpose in life is to bring out the best in other people.

Better Off (With) Ted

Tonight is the season finale-- and, I fear, the series finale-- of my new favorite sitcom Better OffTed.

The previous six episodes can be viewed free online at ABC.com. The one called "Racial Sensitivity" is brilliant.

As the networks announce their fall season, I have little hope that Ted will be on the primetime line-up. But, the shows are worth watching. Do it now before ABC pulls the plug online as well.

At least I can look forward to a new season of Lap Dancing With The Stars.

Let's Go Crazy!

Poor Prince. He tries so hard to be taken seriously. He even donned Clark Kent glasses for his interview with Tavis Smiley not realizing that there's a big difference between looking smart and sounding smart.

He should have kept quiet. With this pearl of wisdom, Prince proved that there's a tiny little brain under that rasberry beret.

We're all indentured servants. When I found out there were eight presidents before George Washington, I wanted to smack somebody. I wanted to know why I was taught otherwise. Just tell me the whole story - I’ll fill in the blanks. But don’t tell me something that you think I’m supposed to know.

Funny, because when I found out that Prince believes there were eight presidents before George Washington, I wanted to smack him.

If The Artist Formerly Known As Perceptive doesn't want to read proper history books then he should at least bookmark Snopes.

John Hanson was not the "first president of the United States."

John Hanson has not been purged from history books by a wave of revisionist historians who refuse to acknowledge his true importance to American history. The plain truth is that John Hanson was never considered "the first president of the United States," even in his own time. And John Hanson couldn't possibly have been the "first president of the United States," because neither the office of President of the United States nor the nation known as the United States of America was created until after he was dead.

Of course, you have to wonder why Tavis Smiley just sat there and...smileyed.

I'll never understand what motivates a conspiracy theorist to think what he thinks. Why does Prince, who later admitted that he doesn't vote, care about who "may" have been president before Washington when he doesn't seem to care who is president now?!

He claims he is interested in the "whole story" but he certainly isn't interested in the whole truth.

Snopes again sums it up best when they claim "it merely perpetuates historical misinformation for trivia's sake."

Although, in some cases, peddling such falsehoods has a more sinister motivation than stumping the guy on the next barstool. If you can't trust the history books then you certainly can't trust all the future history that's being made while you're alive. That kind of paranoia often leads to destructive lies. Just ask Rosie O'Donnell about the government's involvement in 9/11. Can anybody say Building 7?

I'm embarrassed for Prince... and not just because he wears heels. I believe he believes all this nonsense. Don't even get me started about his Chemtrail theories. All I can say, is I'm glad I'm not him.

Jack Kemp

Jack Kemp was my kind of conservative. He was a big tent/low taxes Republican who could relate to both the elite and the common man.

Plus he was cool in a way only a quarterback can be.



I wish he had beaten Bush the Elder in the 1988 primary. I wish he had been at the top of the ticket instead of Dole's running mate in 1996. In other words, I wish we were mourning the loss of former President Kemp.

Sneakergate

I love cute sneakers. I have a pair of yellow Nike's, black Keds and a really groovy retro pair of green Converse. I bought them all at thrift shops, paying perhaps a total of 12 bucks for all six shoes.

It seems Michelle Obama also likes cute sneakers. But her one pair costs more than my entire wardrobe.

While volunteering Wednesday at a D.C. food bank, the First Lady sported her usual J.Crew cardigan, a pair of utilitarian capri pants and, on her feet, a sneaky splurge: trainers that go for $540.

That's right: These sneakers - suede, with grosgrain ribbon laces and metallic pink toe caps - are made by French design house Lanvin, one of fashion's hottest labels. They come in denim and satin versions, and have been a brisk seller all spring.

Can you imagine the outcry had Nancy Reagan worn a pair of $540 sneakers to a food bank... during an economic crisis!

I'm going to design a new line of sneakers for Democrats called Double Standard. The left shoe will have a hard toe for kicking the press in the ass. The right show will have a soft toe for when you put your foot in your mouth.