Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Heart Donny Osmond

When I was 7-years-old, I received a Donny Osmond lunch box for my birthday. Technically, it was an Osmond lunch box but I couldn't have cared less about Alan, Wayne, Merrill and Tito or whatever the other brother was called.

Tonight I was thrilled to see my first love beat out that bitch Mya and that drug addict Kelly on Dancing With The Stars. (Donny wouldn't like my description of his competitors. Unlike me, he's kind-hearted. It's probably a good thing we didn't get married.)

Back in 1972, Donny, in all his purple glory (it was his favorite color and therefor my favorite color... and no I'm not referring to his penis) was the perfect entertainer for a young girl to worship. He was clean-cut, family-friendly and cuter than any button ever manufactured. I think The Duggars would call him "wholesome."

Fast forward to 2009, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is on the American Music Awards grabbing a woman's crotch, simulating oral sex and leading a man around on a leash. Kissing a guy was the most virtuous thing he did during his performance.

Sadly, somewhere in America, a 7-year-old little girl was allowed to stay up to watch his choreographed coitus. I feel sorry for her. Thirty-seven years from now, she will not be able to look back at her crush with childlike affection. In fact, she'll probably want to take a shower.

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