Monday, June 15, 2009

Top Ten Liberal Guys I'd Hate To Fillibuster

In keeping with the spirit of Playboys' article Top Ten Conservative Women We'd Like To Fillibuster-- also known as the "hate f**k" piece-- I've decided to compile my own list of Top Ten Liberal Guys I'd Hate To Fillibuster -- from now on known as the "hate to f**k" posting. Why should misogynists have all the fun?

(Notice I said "hate to" and not "hate f**k." Big fat stinking difference. Also note that I've been married for 20 years and have no desire to have sex with anybody other than my husband.)

10. Barney Frank: Not wanting to have sex with the Massachusetts Congressman has nothing to do with him being homosexual. (Heck, cougars all across this great land of ours fantasize about AI's Adam Lambert.) I just imagine him to be a very juicy kisser.



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Protecting yourself from his saliva storm would mean dressing like you're sitting in the front row of a Gallagher show. Spittle is a turnoff.


9. Al Franken: If I only had one orgasm, the former comic turned almost Senator might demand a recount.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. I simply couldn't resist the urge to call his penis Stuart Smalley and say, "You're good enough, you're hard enough and, doggone, people like you."


8. Sean Penn: First of all, he had sex with Madonna. Second of all, he had sex with Madonna.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. He'd probably want to have a threesome with Hugo Chavez.


7. Aaron Sorkin: Can you imagine his rapid-fire dirty talk? Foreplay would take 60 minutes... 42 with commercials.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Sex would probably be canceled right before the finale.


6. Al Gore: His favorite pick-up line, "Is it getting hot in here or are you just emitting copious amounts of greenhouse gasses?"



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. There hasn't been a tree this effeminate since H.R. Pufnstuf was on the air.


5. Joe Biden: Biden wrote the book on love making. Okay, he plagiarized most of it. Here's my impression of any woman-- including his "beautiful wife, Jill"-- having sex with the Vice-President. "Joe, would you just shut the hell up!"

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Here's my second impression of any woman-- including his "beautiful wife, Jill"-- having sex with the Vice-President. "Yes, yes, I know, Joey's Amtrak train is pulling into the station. Choo choo."


4. Keith Olberman: Might name me "Worst Person In The World" when it's over. Or he would name himself "Worst Person In The World" while he masturbates. Either one is a major turnoff... worse than spittle.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Thinks setting the mood includes wine, candles and a videotape of President Obama's inauguration speech.


3. Chris Matthews: See spittle.

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. See spittle.


2. John Cougar Mellencamp: Because I suspect he calls women's vaginas "Little Pink Houses."

Hate To F**k Sex Rating: High. Would refuse tp buy me a Valentine's gift citing materialism and corporate greed. Instead, would write a song for me then sell the rights to a car company for their latest ad campaign.


1. Michael Moore: The next time he goes to Cuba for healthcare he should stop by the duty free shop for a razor and a new hat.



Hate To F**k Sex Rating: Extremely High. I'd rather have sex with Janeane Garofalo.


Of course, the eleventh spot is reserved for Guy Cimbalo, author of the Playboy article. But, I didn't want to honor him by putting him in the Top Ten.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Biden's Choo-Choo. Hahahaha

ranchocon said...

First H.R. Pufnstuf comedic reference ever. Congrats. I also fell out of my chair over Biden's choo-choo.

ps Referred here by jtlol at Twitter

Traci Skene said...

I'm sorry that you are now imagining Joe Biden having choo choo sex. There's actually a very funny train sex scene in the movie Intolerable Cruelty.