Playboy Oh Boy

The folks at Playboy got caught in a shit storm without an umbrella today when they printed the wildy offensive article "Top Ten Conservative Women We'd Like To Filibuster." For hours, outrage ricocheted around the internet until the editors at the famed men's monthly took the piece down. Apparently, Playboy dudes have penises but they are seriously lacking in balls. In other words, they can get it up but, if there's pressure, they can't keep it up.

I still have the first page in my cache so here's how the article begins.

Obama promised us the dream of post-partisanship—- a cuckoo land where party affiliation and factional animosity were forgotten. Turn on cable news or open any newspaper, however, and you'll quickly discover that the dream has yet to materialize. But there is a way to reach across the aisle without letting principles fall by the wayside. We speak, naturally, of the hate fuck. We may despise everything these women represent, but goddammit they're hot. Let the healing begin.

Hate fuck?! Wow, my vagina is just a little bit uncomfortable right now.

First on the list is Michelle Malkin, blogger, pundit and-- just thought I should throw this in-- wife and mother. The author of this failed attempt at humor, Guy Cimbalo (odd, that his last name sounds like an erectile dysfunction drug-- "Cimbalo, for when the moment is right.") -- describes her "Hate Fuck Sex Rating" as "worse than fucking Eva Braun." Ah yes, let the healing begin.

I think the only hate sex occurs when the author masturbates.

Also on the list are Fox News' Megyn Kelly, View co-host Elizabeth Hasslebeck and former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan. All strong, smart, funny women who certainly don't need the help of my little blog to stick up for them. In fact, I'd pay a million bucks to see Kelly debate Cimbalo. In 30 second she'd shrink him to the size of a Tic Tac.

As a professional standup comic, I rarely think that it's possible for a humor piece to go too far, but this is just so... creepy... even by Playboy standards. I'm sure Hef's ex-girlfriend, Kendra would even be offended. Although only because she'd roll her overly made-up eyes, stamp her whore-shoe-covered-feet and say, "I don't understand! Why do these women hate to fuck?!"

If you're going to knowingly offend-- oh and you know there were lots of high fives in the office-- then you should have the guts to stand by your words. Not put up a message that reads, "Sorry, no content was found for your search. Let us make it up to you! Click here for a 3-day trial in the Cyber Club!"

Playboy really is full of pussies.