Sunday, June 14, 2009

My Advice For Teenage Girls

1. Don't have sex... mostly because teenage boys have no idea what they're doing. Besides, having sex on your parents' couch is only fun after you're married and home for the holidays. Same is true for your parents' closet and the backseat of your parents' car.

2. Don't drink alcohol... mostly because teenage boys have no idea how to make a proper cocktail. Besides, underage, illegal binge drinking usually only leads to bad sex with teenage boys. Plus getting carded is stressful. Not as stressful as not getting carded when you're in your 30's but stressful nonetheless.

3. Enjoy making out! Kissing is so much fun but, once you start having sex, kissing becomes foreplay, so enjoy kissing while kissing is still kissing. Kissing is not teasing. Lap dancing is teasing. Flashing your tits is teasing. Sending X-rated text messages is teasing. Kissing is good old fashioned, lip-chapping fun.

4. Ignore everything a teenage boy tells you unless he's helping you with math. Teenage boys do not have a right brain and a left brain. Teenage boys have a top brain and a bottom brain and that bottom brain is called their penis. The top brain drives the car. The bottom brain controls everything else.

5. In fact, ignore everything a teenage girl tells you unless she's helping you with math. Teenagers-- and that includes you-- know very little and lie about quite a bit.

Most importantly, don't believe the sick twisted adults who tell you these are the best years of your life.

Yes, I'm available for graduations.

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