Wax On, Wax Off

You may want to file this one under "Too Much Information" but wax has never been near my girlie parts. I once dropped a pair of those big red lips on my lap but that's hardly the same thing.

I've never really understood the concept of waxing one's bikini area. I figure if you can see what's left over after a regular old shave then either you're standing too close or I need a bigger bathing suit.

So, the idea of a Brazilian wax-- where not only are the hairs ripped out near your girlie parts but actually on your girlie parts-- sounds about as appealing to me as getting a root canal during an IRS audit.

Luckily, since I live in New Jersey, this may no longer be an option. The NJ Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling (or the NJBCH as the texters call it) wants to ban the practice.

Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted — but because bare-it-all "Brazilians" weren't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law.

Here's my favorite quote.

"The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume," Lamm said.

Actually, I've always assumed that my abdomen and legs were part of my genitalia. Well, you learn something new every day.

Don't politicians and state boards have anything better to do than prevent a bunch of babes from torturing themselves for the sake of beauty? Two women get infections and suddenly everybody is being fined? Why don't you just ban sex while you're at it? I hear it causes lots and lots of infections...you know... down there.

I used to do a bit on stage about shaving the pubes back in the 1980's. It was one of the first jokes I ever wrote.

"I like to shave the sides and make sort of a pubic mowhawk. If I stand on my head and wear a few gold chains around my waist, I look just like Mr. T."

Sadly, I can't do that joke anymore. Not just because the Mr. T reference is dated but also because, at my age, nobody would believe that I can still stand on my head.