Friday, February 20, 2009

Hey, Hey, We're The Monkees

The only monkey I've ever liked was Davey Jones... and he's not even a real monkey.

Real monkeys (not the kind who sing catchy pop songs and spell monkey with a "double e" at the end) are teeth-baring, feces-throwing, destructive little creatures. Although I'm sure the same thing could be said about Davey Jones. It was the '60's after all.

Some people, however, love all things anthropoid.

Sandra Herold, owner of Travis, the 200 lb. chimp who never met a face he didn't like, says, ""Until you've . . . eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp." Let's change that quote, shall we, to "Unless you've... eaten with a chimp and had your face ripped off by a chimp, you don't know a chimp."

In case you've been living under a rock-- and who can blame you with vicious chimps running around suburbia-- Travis, the remote-control using, wine-drinking, former commercial-acting chimpanzee, grabbed his owner's car keys, left the house and then proceeded to brutally attack his owner's friend who was trying to lure him back into his humble abode.

Authorities have concluded that the crazy MoFo primate didn't recognize his victim because she had recently changed her hair color. You mean a six-dollar bottle of L'Oreal is the only thing standing between me and having my face removed by an irate simian? Man, when I went from blonde to brunette a few years ago, I'm glad I didn't know any apes.

The police eventually shot and killed Travis putting an end to any future lucrative endorsement deals. I'm not so sure it wasn't death by cop.

Herold says she devastated by the incident because she raised Travis like a son. You mean like a 200 lb. son you like to bathe with?

Herold further solidifies her position of Nitwit Of The Year by declaring, ""I'm, like, hollow now." Really? You're friend is like hollow now because she has no face! There's wind whistling through her skull and all you can think about is no longer having a pet who will comb your hair!

Lady, I wish Furious George (as the NY Post calls him) would have ripped off your mug so we could look inside and confirm that you indeed have no brain.

(And, before you comment, let me assure you that I do know the difference between a monkey and an ape: A monkey will take off your ear while an ape can remove your entire head.)

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