Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Break Me Off A Piece Of That Kit Kat Bar

I think this creepy yet hilarious story from Moscow deserved more than two sentences in The Metro.
A drunken Russian who tried to rape a raccoon paid the price when the animal bit off his penis. Surgeons spent the weekend trying to repair what was left of 44-year-old Alexander Kirilov's manhood.
At the risk of sounding like a defense attorney, is attempting to have sex with an animal really rape? Obviously, the raccoon wasn't in love with the idea of copulating with a Russki reeking of vodka (or wodka as our Russian friends say) but rape?

I think the word rape should be reserved for the human population only. When fornicating with a cuddly creature, it should be called attempted bestiality or cruelty to animals or dating Richard Gere. (Damn, I can't believe I got to make a Richard Gere/gerbil reference in 2009!)

I don't want to blame the victim but the drunken man was probably just turned on by the raccoon's smokey eyes just as he was eventually turned off by the raccoon's razor sharp teeth.

To quote Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon!" This nimrod doesn't deserve to have his manhood reattached and the raccoon should win the Lorena Bobbitt Lifetime Achievement Award. (Oh yeah, two dated references in one post!)

But perhaps the raccoon wasn't an innocent target after all. I think the picture below says it all.


Al Romas said...

Thought you would go for the Trifecta and throw in the Croc Hunter.

Traci Skene said...

You're right, I abandoned the rule of three's. I have shamed myself.

someasshole said...

So we're counting Bugs Bunny references as topical?

Traci Skene said...

I never used the word topical.