Putting The Freak Back In Freakonomics

I've never believed that other women reflect poorly on me just because we share the same xx chromosomes. But, when the woman holding the highest political office in this great nation of ours says something utterly insane, my vagina becomes red with embarrassment.

According to Drudge, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi wants birth control put into the stimulus package.

Please tell me we're all being Punk'd.

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC's THIS WEEK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So no apologies for that?

PELOSI: No apologies. No. we have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy.

Yes, the economy will be so much better if we could just get rid of all those nasty humans.

First of all, who needs birth control during a bad economy? Nothing will keep a man flaccid quite like unemployment.

Secondly, since men make more money than women, why don't we just institute a Chinese-esque policy of allowing-- in our case-- only girl babies so, in the future, employers won't have to pay their employees as much? (Hey, if she can have a ridiculous economic plan, so can I.)

Thirdly, if we reduce the current birth rate, who is going to pay for all the socialist programs she holds so near and dear 30 years from now? (They call it "the replacement rate" for a reason.)

Sorry, but doesn't her plan sound like something a paternalistic douchebag would create? "Why, if we just stopped those whores from having little whore babies, we could fix this here economic debacle." (Read the previous quote with a Southern, high-falutin' drawl while chewing on a cigar and wearing a white, three-piece suit and a string tie, as Pelosi and her compadres always imagine such paternalistic douchebags to be Southerners.)

Pelosi's not-so-bright idea goes way beyond promoting personal responsibility. Our government should never make its citizens feel guilty about reproducing just as our government shouldn't reward or punish those who choose not to. This isn't the Third World.

The administration she supports is going to try to spend our way out of a recession even though history shows it never works. Now, it appears, Pelosi wants us to screw our way out of a recession but only if it doesn't result in more needy Americans. I don't think this is what the Republicans had in mind when they were chanting, "Drill, baby, drill."