American Idol 1/27/09

For some reason I have a fever, which I fear will make me crankier than usual. So, I've decided to pre-apologize for anything cruel (but not unusual) I might say. Unless it's about Paula. You sleep with a contestant, you deserve everything you get. Her behavior was and still is... wait for it, wait for it... a-paul-ing.

First of all, Randy's shirt was one of the most hideous garments I have ever seen. Perhaps it was my fevered brain but he looked like he was being attacked by giant spiders. But I did love the Journey flashback. Randy was very groovy in an 80's kind of way. I just wish more of the auditioners sounded like Steven Perry.

Joshua Ulloa likes being compared to Justin Guarini which is weird since most people say, "Who is Justin Guarini?"

Sharon Wilbur brought her shih tzu and her Britney Spears impression. For some reason, her performance made the female judges make-out which was kind of creepy considering a dog was watching.

Kaniswa Finnie managed to sing Anita Baker worse than Anita Baker. (Anita Baker songs have chased my husband out of many a drug store.) Kaniswa's off-key was off-key.

Miss Forida Latina USA Jalissa Veloz wants to be crowned the next American Idol. After hearing her sing, she better hope there's a swimsuit competition.

Make Darren Darnell a Production Assistant for the show. He could be part cheerleader, part audience wrangler and part grief counselor. He cried before his audition, we cried during.

Naomi Sykes sounded like a cat whose tail was caught in a vacuum cleaner when she tried to hit the Minnie Ripperton high note. At least her friend got to sit on Randy's lap.

Jasmine Murray is beautiful in that supermodel "she really shouldn't be gorgeous but she is" kind of way. I'm not sure if she can sing. Whenever I hear that ridiculous Fergie song I just try to tune out and go to my happy place.

George Ramirez was barely audible but his singing was almost chant-like. It made me want to do yoga. It's always fascinating to see a person who takes everything literally. He was born without the kidding gene. He'll make a great physics professor someday. A boring physics professor, but a great one.

Ann Mairie Boskovich didn't flip out, took the judges criticism and made necessary changes. Her performance should be a lesson to all.

Michael Perrelli was an emotional wreck. Don't wear a smiley-face backpack if you're always on the verge of tears. Ryan was right when he said, "Kiss your mother. Don't do that." What a jerk.

TK Hash came back this year after being rejected last year and this time he made it. This is why you don't give the camera the finger and say "F*** Simon" when you leave the audition room. You may decide to give it a try 12 months later.

The producers should have a giant trashcan outside the audition room for all the posters of the people who don't get passed on to Hollywood. There's nothing sadder than a weeping teenager being followed by a mother who is carrying a "He's our American Idol" sign.

The judges seem happier this year. Is it Kara? Is it anti-depressants? Is it bad plastic surgery that gives them all permanent smiles? Or have they all been drinking from Paula's Coke cup?