American Idol 1/21/09

Ryan Seacrest needs to get different boxer shorts. I could see the outline through his pants when he moved. Perhaps Hanes should send him a crate of boxer-briefs? All the comfort of boxers with the support of briefs and hopefully no unsightly male pantyline.

Tonight Louisville, home of Churchill Downs. The Kentucky Derby is known as the fastest two minutes in sports. Although, I bet that's how Madonna describes sex with A Rod.

Tiffany Shedd really loves that Russian-Mail-Order-Bride look. She failed to maintain her promised positive attitude after being rejected, however. Watching her mother sway to her off-key warbling was priceless. I'll say it again, that kind of undeserved self-esteem can only lead to taking taking off one's clothes for money.

Fellow Philly native Joanna Pacitti should be proud of herself for losing her horrible Philly accent. (I know, because I had one too.) I paused when Kara recognized her from her former recording career. Could the fix be in? It seemed doubly strange when Kara added, "Those were real tears." Why did she feel the need to convince us it was authentic?

Mark Mudd butchered one of my favorite George Jones songs White Lightning. But I don't know why the judges messed with him since he looked like he could butcher somebody for real. After the threat, I think his name will continue to be Mudd.

Brent Keith Smith must have felt like a five-year-old watching his Mormon parents fight-- you know, one dad, two moms.

Randy really needs to develop a new look when he's suffering through a bad singer. He either laughs maniacally or looks up to the sky with a half-open mouth.

Matt Giraud normally performs Dueling Piano which is something I can't stand. I promise not to hold it against him. Although I will hold it against him that Simon said he sounded like Elliot Yamin. If you want to sound like Elliot you better bring it, dog.

I think Ross The Super Nerd Plavsic is semi-retarded. There's lacking social skills and then there's making everyone in the room uncomfortable. At the risk of sounding harsh, this is why there will always be men willing to pay for sex.

(Lost is on in 26 minutes! I am sooooooooooo psyched! Okay, back to concentrating on AI.)

Alexis Grace is a stay-at-home mom who really should marry her baby's father. They're engaged. Why people wait is a complete mystery. Just get married already! Geesh. I hate when people make me sound like my grandma.

Aaron Williamson is a screamer. Screamers make me tense. But when he said that he wanted to be America's Next Top Model, I understood why he chooses screaming over words. But, boy oh boy, would I love to see him at karaoke at 1 AM.

Rebecca Garcia was crushed when she was told her performance was funny. I'm more disturbed that a person with no obvious sense of humor was voted funniest in high school. Perhaps that was a joke as well.

Of course, every episode needs a touching story. Tonight we heard from once homeless Lanisha Young. She's cute, she's a survivor, and she can sing. She'll be an inspiration.

Gotta go, Lost is on.