American Idol 1/14/09

I admit, American Idol fatigue has set in. According to Nielsen, ratings were down 10% from last year's season premiere so, apparently, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I still like the show but instead of AI being "Appointment TV" I sense it's becoming "I Happen To Be Sitting Down And There's Nothing Else On I Really Want To Watch TV." Although, tonight I'd much rather be challenging Maven, my computer Scrabble nemesis.

The kids are in Kansas City tonight, home of David Cooke and amazing beef BBQ. One of the Production Assistants should have told Randy that KC is in Missouri, not Kansas. It's kind of embarrassing when a successful, admired American doesn't know a damn thing about geography. He should set a better example for the kids... you know, the kids who have no musical talent and will have to rely on that crazy thing called education. Yo, dog, put down the bass and pick up a map.

Chelsea Marquardt is proof that overly-loving family members can screw somebody up with way too much support and encouragement. The male judges were particularly cruel when suggesting she sounded like a cat being dropped off the Empire State Building. Maybe Chelsea should have worn a bikini?

Ashley Anderson screwed up the lyrics to a song written by Simon Cowell! Damn girl, that was majorly stupido! I don't know why she got four yeahs. If you screw up the suck up, you should be sent packing. Never screw up the suck up!

Casey Carlson looks like she just stepped off the set of High School Musical but eventually her country voice will annoy the hell out of Simon. The Brit still doesn't get Nashville.

Brian Hettler made the big mistake of showing too much chest hair. His second mistake was trying to sing Aretha Franklin-- or anything for that matter. Are we really supposed to believe that he studied opera? I think he's mistaken and he actually studied Oprah. Man, there's delusional and then there's cuckoo-lusional.

The crying montage makes me think that the show should be sponsored by Prozac.

James Michael Advance, Billy Vinson, Chris Jones and Deandre Hopkins all sound like they've had their testicles removed. They were more eunuch than unique.

Von Smith is the Sam Harris for the New Millenium. (See first season of Star Search.) He's Justin Timberlake meets Ethel Merman.

Jason Castro's brother, Michael, decided to give it a shot this year. It appears crazy hair runs in the family. I'd hate to be their mom during family portrait day.

Matt Brieitzke is the shot of testosterone this show needs. There always has to be one man who appeals to the adults. I just hope he doesn't dedicate too many songs to his kid. Just because he thinks his son is special doesn't mean we do.

Jazz-- aka Jasmine Joseph-- looks like Kirsten Dunst's nutty sister... and I don't mean that as a compliment.

I sure hope Jessica Page Furney is a lesbian because she'll make a fortune on the Lilith Fair-type circuit... and I mean that as a compliment.

It was very sweet when the one rapping sister was still happy for the other rapping sister even though she didn't make it. She should be the winner of Sister Idol.

Jamar Rogers needs to take it down a notch. His best friend Danny Gokey broke everybody's heart when he told the story of his recently deceased wife. It's not easy to perform when you're grieving. I know, I've done it. I'm glad he has the distraction.

Okay, there's nothing funnier than a fat, ugly chick singing "You ain't woman enough to take my man" off-key. That's YouTube gold! (Yes, calling her fat and ugly is harsh but watching this show makes one brutally honest.)

Anoop Desai will be looking out over a sea of Noop-dog signs if he makes it into the finals. I like that he'll bring a little Bollywood to Hollywood.

In a very uncomfortable moment, Andrew Lang was cheered on by cheerleaders. I discovered there's nothing sadder than a weeping cheerleader. Had they been hot cheerleaders, I'm sure the male viewers would have found the weeping to be extremely erotic.

Band leader Asa Barnes performed a miracle by singing a Michael Jackson song in tune. If somebody actually sings Stevie Wonder well, I may have to consider going back to church.

Michael Nicewonder may not have the chops but he certainly has the look. Yes, that was sarcasm. I don't know what was more pathetic, the bad haircut or the obvious mother issues? With a name like Nicewonder he should be a superhero, ridding the world of overbearing moms and absentee fathers.

Dennis Brigman reminds me of Cat from the British sci-fi show Red Dwarf. Randy shouldn't have caved into the begging and sob story. Now everybody will do it... and if they beg while wearing a bikini they'll go straight to the finals.

Mia Conley hit the Minnie Ripperton high note... sort of. Then she hit a compassionate low note when she said God was going to get the judges. I think God should issue a restraining order.

Okay, tornado victim Lil Rounds sang Stevie Wonder well. Looks like I'm going to be busy on Sunday morning.