Wednesday, January 14, 2009

American Idol 1/13/09 Season Premiere

I said I wasn't going to watch this year yet, here I am, tuning in to Season 28 of American Idol. Admittedly, I have missed the train wreck that is Paula Abdul. If she's not all highed-up tonight, I may have to switch over to Scrubs at 9.

Kara DioGuardi is the new judge and her addition signals some changes in America's most watched show. In an incredibly stupid and perplexing move, producers have promised fewer bad singers. I think I can speak for millions of others when I say, "I love the bad singers!" Without bad singers, AI is just another annoying talent show. Really, they only need three good singers... one to win, one to come in second and a third to lose to a bad singer mid-way through the competition. If you keep bad singers from making it into the finals, there won't be anybody left to check into Celebrity Rehab. (Seriously, when did Nicky McKibbin become so skanky?)

Oooh, Randy's pudgy again, that's a good sign. And Simon has bigger man boobs than in years past. I'm sure a lot of viewers wanted to push Ryan Seacrest into the Grand Canyon as he introduced the auditions from Arizona, but I still think he's a kick-ass live television host. I just can't jump on the "I hate Seacrest" bandwagon.

Tuan Nugyen kicked the show off with a tap dancing routine. Gene Kelly is rolling over in his grave. In fact, Gene Kelly trying to kick his way out of a coffin would have made for more interesting choreography.

The pierced and tattooed Emily Hughes ditched her band for a shot at superstardom. I'm not sure if I can look at her ears for the rest of the season. Hasn't she seen what happens to a person's earlobes when they decide that the African tribal elongation look-- aka gauging-- is no longer hip and cool?

The weepy, costumed Randy Madden embarrassed nearly-middle-age executives everywhere by warbling Bon Jovi. But his rejection did prompt Paula to throw something at Simon and then give him the middle finger which was mildly entertaining.

Somebody named J.B. sang like a bird but I thought it was a bit overly dramatic and a tad cruel for the camerman to zoom in on his dad's face when he revealed that his family was struggling financially. Can't you leave the guy with a touch of pride?

Michael Gurr was "really really" nervous and "really really" scared and, no surprise really really bad. His psycho performance was breathtaking. He said nerves got the best of him but I think it was genetics that really really got the best of him.

Next came the bad singing montage. Will Kunick is my new hero. DJ Bradley was bad but he can't hold a candle to Will. Shawn Vasquez is the type of guy you prayer doesn't move in next door. But why didn't we hear more Will? More Will! More Will! More Will!

X-Ray ticked off Simon immediately. But X-Ray didn't need an x-ray machine because when he danced in his baggy pants you could practically see his swinging package. I know it's hot in Phoenix but a man should still wear underpants.

Arianna Afsar is an adorable saint. She needs to be the next Miss America. Her Adopt A Grandfriend Program is incredibly sweet. I sure hope she isn't corrupted by fame. I also hope the innocent one didn't see X-Ray dance.

Elijah Scarlett, he of the freakishly low voice, should have had a sense of humor and sang a Bee Gee's song. Paula was right. He should go on Voiceover Idol.

Lea Marie Golde wants to be a singer/songwriter but I think she's destined to be stripper/porn star. It's never a good sign when your self-esteem is larger than your talent. It usually leads to taking your clothes off someday.

Stevie Wright was named after Phoenix native Stevie Nicks but she sounded more like Bonnie Raitt.

Michael Sarver, as an oil rig dude revealed he has the fifth most dangerous job. The fourth most dangerous job, of course, is keeping drugs away from Paula Abdul. (Why was Paula wearing a dress that made her look like she was naked under an apron?)

Bikini girl aka Katrina Darrell managed to get herself some airtime. I'm sure she'll be mega-popular online as well. The fact that the men said yes and the woman initially said no speaks volumes. The woman judges behaved poorly and the male judges behaved as expected. (Although it was fun watching Ryan kiss a girl for the first time in his life.) Personally, I think Katrina has a little boy's ass but, let's face it, any ass looks good when it's supported by whore shoes.

You shouldn't live in Arizona if your nickname is Sexual Chocolate. In the desert, chocolate melts. I'm just sayin' is all.

Brianna Quijada has a perfect last name for Scrabble. She probably won't go far in the competition but she should consider pursuing a career as a Cruise Ship Director. And I mean that as a compliment.

Is Deanna Brown the next Kellie Pickler? I loved her line, "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you audition next year."

Cody Sheldon is this year's gayish teen that all the little girls will love love love. Since he makes horror movies all the little boys will love love love him too.

Nerdy Alex Wagner Trugman answered Simon's "What three countries would you be popular in?" briliantly. He sounds like a black man and has a quirky sense of humor. He's Clay Aiken with jokes.

Scott McIntire is a blind guy with beautiful eyes. For this reason alone, I like him. He was probably the only male in the room who couldn't care less about bikini girl. Okay, I like him for that reason as well. He's smart, cute, musically talented and he has an inspirational story. Just give him a contract now!

Tomorrow night is Kansas City, home of David Cooke.

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