American Idol 4/30/08

Can anybody but Neil Diamond sing "Cracklin' Rosie?" Can anybody but Neil Diamond sing "Song Sung Blue?" Can anybody but Neil Diamond sing "Brother Love Travelin' Salvation Show?" Apparently, Neil Diamond has more of a range than most people realize. Or the Top 5 were performing at gun point. What else could explain that atrocious opening medley?

After watching last night and tonight, I'm beginning to think that none of the contestants were the least bit familiar with Diamond or his songs prior to being handed sheet music last week. They probably thought they were performing songs by Dustin Diamond.

In an interview shown tonight, Neil Diamond said, "The remaining contestants couldn't make it this far by just being average." Oh, how wrong he is.

In another awkward moment, it was revealed that former Idols Gina and Constantine are now hosting an American Idol backstage reality show? Couldn't they have at least given the job to an Idol who had won? You can't tell me Taylor Hicks isn't looking for work.

And in another even more awkward moment, Seacrest said the rumors about Paula are not true. A weepy Paula looked confused. I'm guessing some folks think she's going to be replaced. I think she's so out of it these days that you could fire her and she wouldn't know the difference. Just do her hair and make-up every Tuesday and Wednesday, ask her to mumble something incoherent and she'd be perfectly happy.

Jason Castro is safe. There's simply no way he should have survived this week. This competition has definitely turned into a popularity contest.

David Archuleta is safe. Some tart-like chick in the crowd was happy. Who was she and why did she merit a close-up? (I sure hope it wasn't his mother.)

David Cook is safe. Last night, Paula said to Cook that she thought she was looking at the next American Idol. But, she also said the same thing to her toaster, her limo driver and her little dog, Toto.

Syesha Mercado and Brooke White landed in the bottom two.

Natsha Bedingfield and Neil Diamond performed while Mercado and White made sweat stains on the couch. Bedingfield sang "Pocket Full of Sunshine" a song most people probably call "Take Me Away." (Paula probably calls it "Pocket Full of Vodka.") I couldn't help but notice that when Bedingfield walked over to the couch to "say hi to David" David Cook stood up not realizing that she was talking about David Archuleta. At least that's what it looked like.

Neil Diamond sang "Pretty Amazing Grace" from his new album. It sounded like something off the soundtrack from a western. He should have performed while riding on a horse. But, he does sound eerily similar to the Diamond of 40 years ago. Well, if 40 years ago he was strung out on Valium.

While I usually find the phone-in portion of the show to be excruciating, I did think it was cute that Simon got to talk to the girl he had a crush on when he was nine years old. It made him seem almost...human.

Brooke White is gone! Carly Simon will be so disappointed. Just this week she said Brooke should win. Brooke cried her eyes and she could barely get through the song.

And, once again, Syesha dodges the Idol bullet.

Here's Natasha Bedingfield talking about David Archuleta on TRL.



Here's Neil Diamond singing "I Am, I Said" back in the '70's.




More Idol chatter at humor-blogs.

American Idol 4/29/08

Why was Rita Wilson sitting with Hugh Hefner's girlfriends? Does this mean Tom Hanks was at the Playboy Mansion popping popcorn with Hef? The collection of celebrities in the Idol audience is getting stranger by the week.

Ryan opened the show by saying, "The glare of the spotlight and the pressure of constant exposure has already taken its toll on some." Who? Who Ryan? Who has it taken its toll on? Is there something we should know? Is somebody other than Paula drinking to excess? Was Brooke White photographed getting out of a limo while not wearing panties? Were the two Davids caught French kissing?

Jason Castro chose "Forever In Blue Jeans" and "September Morn." My husband confessed that for most of his life he thought Neil Diamond was singing "Reverend Blue Jeans." He always thought Diamond was singing about a hip preacher. Once Jason Castro reached the chorus and also sounded like he was saying, "Reverend Blue Jeans" I got the giggles and couldn't listen to the rest of the song. I think I dozed off during "September Morn." Carly Smithson must be at home threatening to put her tattooed fist through the television screen. Castro just looks like he wants to go home. I think the voters should make his wish come true.

David Cook chose obscure songs "I'm Alive" and "All I Really Need Is You." I think there's a reason nobody knows the first one. Talk about unforgettable. His performance was even more so. Did he deliberately do a Neil Diamond impression? Is he looking to play a lounge in Vegas? He redeemed himself with the second performance. Making a Neil Diamond song sound contemporary is no easy task. The only thing more dated than Diamond's sound is his sparkly shirts.

Brooke White picked "I'm A Believer" and "I Am, I Said." She was lucky that the judges were not allowed to give their opinions immediately after singing "I'm A Believer." She had to wait until all the singers were done before hearing Simon call her a nightmare. Before hearing her version, I never realized that Monkee's lead singer Mickey Dolenz could actually sing. I would apologize to Dolenz if I weren't still angry at him for dissing me a the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal a few years ago. Her second time was better, but I still pray she doesn't make it into the finals.

David Archuleta decided to sing "Sweet Caroline" and "America." It was so "Up With People" that I was almost "Up With Dinner." But he'll be singing "America" now at every huge Fourth of July celebration from now until when he's Neil Diamond's age.

Syesha Mercado sang "Hello Again" and "Thank The Lord For The Nightime." She should change her name to Shrill-esha Mercado. I hope she is in trouble this week as Simon predicted.

Hands down, the best moment of the night was when Paula critiqued Jason Castro on two songs when he only sang one. Having a Coke cup filled with rum: Priceless.


More priceless comments at humor-blogs.

Cyrus VS. Leibovitz

For years, my husband has called Vanity Fair, "Tiger Beat for people with advanced degrees." Now, however, I think it's safe to call Vanity Fair, "Playboy Magazine for men whose mothers and wives are feminists."

In its upcoming issue, Vanity Fair will make pedophiles the world over lock their bedroom doors and scream for joy when it features a semi-nude photograph of 15-year-old Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus. The teenager, who implies she was duped by hack celebrity picture taker, Annie Leibovitz, now claims she is humiliated by the image.

"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed," she tells ET. "I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about."

Vanity Fair editors, of course, put the blame squarely on the teenie-bopper's bare shoulders.

"Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when BRUCE HANDY interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine."

Am I the only person who finds this creepier than an episode of Your Momma Don't Dance?

Shame on you Annie Leibovitz for having your artistic vision so far up your boney ass that you even dared asked a teenager to remove her shirt for a shoot. Shame on you Vanity Fair editors for being such uber-weenies that you are willing to blame a tenth grader for your decision to peddle what is dangerously close to child porn. And shame on you Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus for trusting the welfare of your little girl to the sleezeoids in the entertainment information business.

If I were Miley Cyrus, I'd be embarrassed too...embarrassed that I was surrounded by adults who think the number in a bank account is more important than the number on a birth certificate.



More pop culture analysis at humor-blogs.

Chef Boy-Ar-Dee-viant

We call him "Wolfgang Suck."

He's a wine bottle holder but he looks like he could be holding something else. Please don't make me say what that "something else" is. If you haven't figured it out already then there is really no hope for you.

We bought him for fifty cents at our town-wide yard sale yesterday. We feared our guffawing would insult the homeowner but as we held out our two quarters one of them laughingly yelled to the other, "Hey, somebody's buying the dildo holder!"



We're not going to use him as a wine bottle holder. When you put a wine bottle in his mouth he just looks like a pathetic drunk who is too stupid to remove the cork. We're not going to use him as a dildo holder either because then we'd have to go out a buy a dildo. And we really don't want to let him hold our wine on the off-chance that the previous owner did own a dildo and wasn't joking about his prior use.

My husband thinks he should be re-purposed to hold our toilet plunger. If we do, I'm afraid each time we walk into the bathroom we'll yell, "It's Guiliani time!"

Hygiene For Young People

This 1884 A. S. Barnes & Company book is listed as number 2 in the Pathfinder Physiology series. It was meant as a learning guide for intermediate school students in the late 1800's.

While such topics as "The Nervous System," "Digestion" and "Animal Heat" (sadly, Animal Heat has nothing to do with sex) are discussed at length, the author seems to have a particular hard-on for alcohol. "Of the diseases, the degeneracy, the vices, and the general ill-being produced by the alcohol habit, all observers must be aware."

The introduction was written by a person named A. B. Palmer but many other doctors and teachers contributed to the text. I doubt the collaboration took place over a nice chianti or a bottle of aged Scotch.

From the chapter Alcohol and Life:

From these record, it is plain that those who never drink liquor have the best chance for length of life, as well as for happiness and power to work.

The President of one life insurance company in New England says of beer drinkers, "The death among them were astounding. Robust health, full muscles, a fair outside, increasing weight, florid faces, then a touch of disease and quick death.

"It was as if the system had been kept fair outside, while within, it was eaten to a shell, and at the first touch there was utter collapse; every fiber was poisoned and weak. Beer drinking is very deceptive, at first; it is thoroughly destructive, at last."

I think the President of the New England life insurance company is actually Vincent Price. Just imagine the words "florid faces," "touch of disease" and "quick death" being spoken over a beating heart and pipe organ soundtrack.

Suddenly those Bud Light commercials don't seem so funny anymore.

The paragraph continues:

Some companies will not insure the lives of liquor-sellers, because they know that they are so often liquor-drinkers.

Tell that to John McCain whose wife is heiress to a beer distributor fortune.

Hey, Look Under There! Under Where?

It's never a good sign when you find a neck brace in your underwear drawer. It can only mean one of two things: either you are incredibly kinky or you haven't cleaned out your underwear drawer in a very long time. At this point, I'd almost rather have the rest of the underwear wearing world view me as a sexual perv than admit to the mess I've made of my unmentionables.

Along with the neck brace and the socks and underpants I actually wear, I discovered five bras that no longer fit, four pairs of pulled stockings, two belts I've never worn, six beat up red socks, two ankle braces, four of those garter-belt looking thingies that keep your sheets from coming off the bed, one Amazon.com receipt, six granny panties, three head scarfs I never wear, one pair of hospital socks with the non-slip bottoms, four socks without a mate, black satin gloves I didn't even know I owned, an unidentifiable piece of mesh and a partridge in a pear tree.

All of this was crammed into a 12" by 24" space.

Suddenly I understand why Paris Hilton and Britney Spears party sans panties. (Hey, Sans Panties is a great name for a club.) They probably have really sloppy underwear drawers and can't find the appropriate undergarments without digging through piles of crap (okay, bad choice of words).

I wish I could just burn my bras, go commando and buy year-round sandals. But then I'd have to vote for Barack Obama. Instead I'll just vow to clean my underwear drawer on a more regular basis or try not to think about the potential embarrassment if I die and somebody I know is forced to empty it out while it's still a mess.

Now I just have to find a new place for my neck brace.

American Idol 4/23/08

Andrew Lloyd Webber is one crazy cat. He doesn't seem to like to be touched. Whenever an Idol invaded his personal space he became more awkward than David Archuleta when he's swarmed by teenage fans. Well, except when Webber got to touch Carly Smithson. Maybe he just doesn't like Americans. Webber also has some of the strangest arm movements I've ever seen. When he talks, he seems like a puppeteer who tragically has lost his marionette.

The show began with the Idols singing "All I Ask Of You" from Phantom of the Opera. The girls had a slightly hard time recreating the Sarah Brightman part but so do most people. Minutes later, the kids performed in an A-Ha inspired video to "Tainted Love." Only on American Idol do you sing Andrew Lloyd Webber one minute and Soft Cell the next. Well, only on American Idol and every cruise ship on the Atlantic.

The Davids (Cook and Archuleta) were the first to be given the safe designation as Jason Castro yawned backstage.

Simon Cowell discovery Leona Lewis sang her hit song "Bleeding Love." All I can say is, "So this is the great Leona Lewis?" Average looks, below average song and slightly above average vocals. Her dancing, however, bordered on ridiculous. She moved like a dog wearing high heels. Oh well, at least her dress was see-through. That'll get her some play on You Tube. Some people can't get her song out of their heads. I couldn't get the song into my head.

Next up on the chopping block were Brooke White and Syesha Mercado. Shockingly Brooke was safe even after her false start-- the second of the season for her, though Seacrest claims it had never happened before. My first prediction from last night proves to be wrong.

Next was the pair of Jason Castro and Carly Smithson. Castro was safe despite having one of the worst performances in Idol history. It was Nikki McKibbin bad. So far, I'm 0-2 in my predictions. I feel bad for not voting for Smithson. I usually don't vote until the finals but I believe she deserves a shot at the title.

Both Mercado and Smithson got to perform their songs again. Mercado was pitchy, dog.

Carly Smithson is gone! I may have to stop watching the show. I think she'll actually have Daughtry success once the show is over.

Next week they perform the songs of Neil Diamond. I just hope nobody sings "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

American Idol 4/22/08

I have to admit I was a little surprised when Idol decided to hold it's songwriting contest again this year. The 2007 choice "This Is Mine Now" or "This Is My Now" or "This Is Mein Kampf" or whatever the heck it was called was laughably bad. While Jordin Sparks threw herself into this piece of garbage, Blake Lewis had that "Dear Lord I hope I lose so I don't have to sing this song for the rest of my life" look on his face.

One of the entries this year is written by a man who has a child with Angelman's Syndrome. My great-nephew Jake has Angelman's so I'm hoping he wins if, for no other reason, these kids might get some much needed publicity. His name is Regie Hamm and his song is called "Time Of My Life." Voting takes place here.

I think Ryan Seacrest is using a bit too much hair product these days. He's a good looking guy but his shark fin 'do leaves much to be desired. If it gets any spikier he could be a contestant on "Top Chef."

"The top six are going out of their comfort zone," says Seacrest. Yes, because they've all seemed soooooooo comfortable up to this point.

Oh no! The music of Andrew Lloyd Webber?! And the Webster himself is in the audience?! They're not just out of their comfort zone, this is like a contestant on the aforementioned "Top Chef" preparing a meal with motor oil, Fluff and nickel sulfate.

1. Syesha Mercado said "Oh crap" in front of the King of Musical Theater. It might be the first time I've actually liked her. She picked a song from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" probably the one Webber production most people aren't familiar with. The judges thought she was great. I just can't handle how often she bottoms out on the low notes. Broadway stars can sing all notes well, not just the ones-- as Paula would say-- at the top of their register.

2. Jason Castro chose "Memories" from Cats. Andrew Lloyd Webber admitted it was a bit jarring seeing somebody with dreadlocks sing this song. I see, so it's easier to see somebody in a giant cat suit sing this song, but the dreadlocks are off-putting? After hearing his rendition, I think this is one memory Castro will want to forget. He should have stopped to lick himself half-way through or, at the very least, coughed up a hairball.

3. Brooke White can certainly sing better than Madonna so picking something from the movie "Evita" was probably wise. Choosing something from the Broadway show would have been foolish since nobody wants to be compared to the great Patti LuPone. Wow, this is the second time this season Brooke has stopped and started again. Is it the sign of a true professional or a rank amateur? Andrew Lloyd Webber would have had her whacked if she had done such a thing during his Broadway show. I think Brooke is lucky Jason Castro was so "out of his comfort zone."

4. David Archuleta couldn't have looked any more uncomfortable when the girls came up to hug him. Although he was probably even more uncomfortable as he tried to keep his eyes open during the song as Sir Webber had requested. Personally, I think he picked an incredibly dull ALW tune. But, Disney should sign him immediately to be the voice of a singing bunny or some other woodland creature who regularly breaks into song.

5. Carly Smithson chose "Jesus Christ Superstar" the most dated song in the ALW songbook. She sang the hell out of it (okay, perhaps "hell" is the wrong choice of words) but her Irish eyes were smiling tonight. Her "Simon Loves Me (this week)" shirt was actually very funny.

6.David Cook picked the best Andrew Lloyd Webber song, "Music of the Night" from "The Phantom of the Opera." I would have preferred a rock version rather than a watered-down musical theater rendition. I really wish David Archuleta has performed this song instead of Cook. He was good, but Archuleta would have been great.

Perhaps Cook should have taken a few lessons from Will Ferrell.



Prediction: Brooke White and Jason Castro will be in the bottom two with Castro watching the show on TV next week.


More Idol chatter at humor-blogs.

Rejected Us Weekly Fashion Police Jokes 10

I have been a Top Cop for Us Weekly's Fashion Police since 2001. (Why do men always call it "U.S." Weekly even when they see it spelled with a big "U" and a small "s"?)

Some weeks many of my jokes are published while other weeks I have to settle for just one or two. Below is a partial list of comments that never made it to the newsstand.

Note: The ones marked "Accepted" are my comments that got in. The ones marked "Rejected" are the ones that didn't.



Katherine Heigl

Accepted: She won't get Knocked Up in that coat!

Rejected: Look through a microscope and you'll see the same pattern.

Cynthia Nixon

Accepted: Her tailor was well-trained in upholstery.

Rejected: Never buy a coat from the homeless.

Amy Poehler

Accepted: She wore the same thing to her junior prom.

Rejected: T-shirt designed by Rorschach.

Back Home And Ready For A Nap

We didn't have the funny flight attendants on this morning's Southwest Air trip from Ft. Lauderdale to Philadelphia. On the way down we did. One of the things I like about flying Southwest is interacting with the genial yet smart-ass employees. While I don't guffaw like the easily amused passengers on the plane, I do enjoy hearing the same announcements I've heard a million times done a little differently.

I think the male attendant on the way down actually hired writers. "Please put your seat backs up into their locked and most uncomfortable position." "If you need to smoke, please step out on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." The jokes make the passengers happy. We had major bitchy male and female stewardesses (yes, since I didn't like them I'll call them by the politically incorrect name) on our last US Air flight so I'll take the comedy over nastiness any day.

On both the outbound and the inbound, my husband and I managed to secure the emergency row seats even though we boarded somewhat late both times. I don't understand the aversion to these seats. We actually pray for them to be open. There is twice as much legroom and, in the event of a real emergency, I trust myself to open the door more than anybody else on the plane. In fact, I would only step on the head of the person sitting in that seat just to get out first so I might as be the one in charge.

Unfortunately, we didn't really get to enjoy any of the Florida sunshine while we were away. During the day we were busy recovering from doing shows at night while still suffering from post-funeral fatigue.

Plus we both have colds.

I think I hear my bed calling. Yes, it's actually saying my name.

Post-Funeral Recovery

I slept for 11 hours last night. There's a kind of post-funeral fatigue that is difficult to describe to anybody who has not had the misfortune of experiencing it firsthand. It's like staying up for a week and then carrying a wet sheepdog up a mountain in 100 degree heat. Adrenaline will only carry you so far before you crash and slip into a coma.

At the church service, I chose to sit with my mother-in-law's boyfriend of five years rather than the rest of the family. He's 96-years-old. They got together after both of their long-time spouses had passed away. I think finding each other is the main reason they both continued to want to live even though their life partners were gone. They went to church together every Saturday, Atlantic City a few times a month and had regular dinners at the neighborhood diner. Some days he'd come over just to watch television which I'm sure also included lots of chair napping. He's a good guy and I hope he lives well into his 100's.

Even though it was a sad event, it was great seeing most of our neices, nephews and great-nieces and nephews. Four of the older ones are in college with two others not far behind. They are all such good-looking, decent, respectable human beings with highly developed senses of humor. We weren't sure if it would be inappropriate to take photographs at the post-funeral luncheon but, since we didn't know when they would all be in the same room together again, we decided to do it anyway.

Our two-year-old great-niece was a big hit. Personally, I like having little children at funerals as long as they are young enough not to be traumatized by the situation. Toddlers at funerals keep the grown-ups happy.

Then, of course, you also have to deal with the family members who you don't want to see which adds an entirely different level of stress to the proceedings. Ah, family politics.

Just thinking about yesterday makes me want to sleep for another 11 hours.

Death And Taxes

I suppose the only thing that could make April 15 even more stressful is attending the funeral of the woman I helped take care of for ten years. It's only been four days since my mother-in-law's passing but it seems more like four months. I'm beginning to realize Jews have the right idea: get them in the ground quickly, mourn for seven days and get on with your life. Catholics tend to prefer funeral foreplay followed by a two-day event, with both evening and daytime services. To paraphrase Robert Kline, Catholic funerals are like vaudeville.

I spent the better part of Saturday scanning and emailing photos to our niece so she could put together a memorial board for the funeral home. Deciding on which pictures to use is not an easy task. I wanted to show as many different phases of Helen's life as possible, I wanted to include as many different people in the photos as possible and I wanted to make the pics as visually interesting as possible. Plus, I wanted to send a snapshot or two that has sentimental value to us.

It wasn't easy looking at photographs especially since so many of the subjects have either passed on or are quite alive but no longer in our circle. We'd pick up one and say, "Dead." We'd pick up another and say, "Dead." Then we'd pick up yet another and say, "Dead to me." My favorites are the ones with my late father-in-law. But, I do feel bad that we couldn't find a picture of her with the boyfriend she had for many years after her husband's death.

Some people think displaying photographs of the deceased during the viewing is very third-worldy. I think it's a nice distraction for the mourners and it helps seeing your loved one in happier times looking more normal than the corpse in the casket. You can say all you want that the departed "looks good" but, let's face it, they never do.

Funeral Prep

When I was younger, I would buy a sexy outfit just in case somebody invited me to a party. Two years ago, I bought a gray suit just in case somebody died.

It's not the first time I've gone shopping for a complete death ensemble. Since becoming an adult, I've always had a few pieces in my closet that were appropriate for a funeral. But the problem with buying a funeral outfit on spec is the shallow part of me that thinks, "I hope somebody dies before it goes out of style."

I eventually started wearing my latest suit for other events: a birthday party, a comedy roast, a trip to Atlantic City. Then I began wearing the pants on stage. Eventually, I did have to wear it to the viewing of my friend's father. So, now it's officially back to being called my funeral suit.

Unfortunately, the last time I wore the pants I managed to lean on something sticky (get your minds out of the gutter). On Thursday-- the day before my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly (can you say "unexpectedly" for a 91-year-old?)-- I took them to the dry cleaners to see if they could be saved. The dry cleaner, who apparently is outsourcing to India, said they wouldn't be ready until tomorrow. Tomorrow, of course, is the day of the viewing.

So, now I have to go shopping for something to wear on the off-chance my funeral suit is headed for the trash heap.

The viewing is Tuesday night and the church service and burial are on Wednesday morning. I guess I need to buy two outfits.

Helen Cecelia McKim 1917-2008

My mother-in-law passed away this morning. I will always associate the following things with her: Manhattans, fancy sandwiches, pound cake, private duty nursing, volunteer work, dogs, Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy, crossword puzzles, card parties, nickel slots, Ocean City NJ, Ireland and friends named Mary.

American Idol 4/10/08

There's a fine line between inspiring and proseylitizing. Having the Idol contestants sing "Shout To The Lord" made me wonder if I was watching the 700 Club instead of Fox. I could only hope that Christopher Hitchens isn't a fan of the show. That's the kind of thing that could drive him to drink... okay drive him to drink more.

Tonight was, in some ways, a continuation of Idol Gives Back. I believe Ryan said 70 million was raised last year while only 60 million was collected last night. Of course, the donation lines remained open and folks could also contribute by downloading songs on I-Tune. Perhaps that's why a religious song was chosen for the opening of tonight's show. Everybody knows Christians love to spend money on Jesus music.

Thank goodness Jordin Sparks didn't sing that insipid "I'm all over you like a tattoo" song. It just makes me think of the little fellow from Fantasy Island. Call me dwarfist, but I don't even want to think about the late Hervé Villechaize aka "Tattoo" all over me or anybody else. I can't wait for her follow-up single, "Webster."

I wish Ryan Seacrest had identified the stagehand who handled the awkward moment with Brad Pitt so brilliantly the night before. I also wish they had introduced the members of Terry Hatcher's band. I didn't realize until tonight that the fiddle was played by the hunky Aussie (Jesse Spencer) from "House."

Clinton avoided sniper fire, McCain did schtick and Obama couldn't help saying the words "just" and "equal." The AI audience is just too big for the candidates to ignore.

Syesha Mercado, Michael Johns and Carly Smithson all wound up in the bottom three. I think everybody, including Kristy Lee Cook, was shocked that the she was safe and got to sit on the plush double-decker couch. Cook is is going to be one of those contestants who keeps sneaking through and suddenly finds herself in the top three. She'll also wind up being one of the most hated performers as fans of those who should have remained begin to resent her lack of talent.

It's interesting to me that on a night when the plight of the world and Africa-Americans was highlighted, America made sure two "foreigners" and the only remaining black singer received the least number of votes.

Michael Johns is out! The audience both at home and in the studio were a bit stunned. Personally, I think he made a huge mistake by wearing the ascot for a second week in a row.

I did feel bad that Johns couldn't hit the high note tonight at the end of "Dream On." I bet even Steven Tyler would have a hard time belting it out if he was choked up and his dream came to an end in front of millions of people.


More Idol talk over at humor-blogs.

Ladies And Gentlemen, Eydie Gorme

I bought Eydie Gorme's Greatest Hits album at my favorite Goodwill the other day. She is one of those supremely talented vocalists who had no choice but to become a professional singer. It wouldn't have mattered if she had the potential to be the world's greatest doctor or the country's foremost expert on climatology. A voice like hers just can't be wasted on lullabys, karaoke or the occasional office talent show.

Plus she's funny. As a kid, I would get very excited when Eydie would appear on Merv, Dinah or Mike Douglas with her husband, Steve Lawrence. They did panel better than any singers out there.

Steve and Eydie had and still have great chemistry. Their mutual ball-busting is so obviously good-natured and fun to watch. I desperately wanted a marriage just like theirs when I grew up.

Take away the money and fame and I do have a marriage just like theirs! My husband and I are both standup comics... we work together, we live together, we travel together. People who know us say "Brian and Traci" as if we are one person much in the same way their fans say "Steve and Eydie."

Last December, Steve and Eydie celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. This December, my husband and I will celebrate our 20th. I can only hope that in 30 years "Brian and Traci" will still be performing together and living together and-- cue the sappy music-- laughing together.

And maybe in 2038 somebody will buy my greatest hits comedy CD at the Goodwill.

Here's Eydie singing the Mame showstopper "If He Walked Into My Life."



Here's Steve and Eydie's promo video. In case you aren't familiar with the pair, it'll give you a good idea of what they are all about.

American Idol 4/8/08

Paula had her knockers on tonight but her strapless top combined with the camera framing make her look naked for most of the show. Apparently, it was clothing-optional week on Idol. Perhaps tomorrow's show should be Idol Gives Back Paula's Shirt.

Tonight the contestants had to sing "Inspirational Songs." There should be lots of tears, lots of pandering and lots of ridiculous and untrue words of wisdom.

1. Michael Johns wrongly told the young people of the world, "If you dream it you can achieve it." Tell that to all the rejected Idol contestants who gave Simon the finger and insisted they were not "pitchy," even though all of America could plainly hear that they couldn't sing one note on key. I've never considered Aerosmith's "Dream On" to be a song of inspiration. Take away the title and you're left with an unintelligible rock anthem that merely inspires one to wear pants tight enough to enable you to hit the high note at the end.

2. Syesha Mercado claims to give back through music. Perhaps she should consider recycling or volunteering at the soup kitchen. Performing the song Fantasia sang when she won the competition makes Syesha the recipient of the Brass Balls Award. Although she did manage to out-screech Michael Johns with her best Minnie Ripperton impression at the end.

3. Jason Castro proved he can sing songs used for car commercials. His version of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" was an exact replica of the ukulele version Israel Kamakawiwo has made famous. (Try typing Kamakawiwo ten times. Try saying Kamakawiwo ten times. Try reading Kamakawiwo ten times.)

4. Kristy Lee Cook has finally decided to try win this competition with her looks. It's her only hope. She said Martina McBride's "Anyway" helped her not to give up in life. I say she should have retitled the song, "You Can't Sing, But Sing Anyway... But This Time, Dress Sexy."

5. David Cook needed the vocal range of the Crash Test Dummies' Brad Roberts in order to hit those low notes at the beginning. I was not familiar with "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace but, after his performance, I still don't know the tune. It was one of those weird songs that I was forgetting the minute the notes hit my brain. Cook believes everybody has a good heart. He better hope Idol voters have a good heart because, instead of having "give back" written on his hand, he'll have "good bye."

6. Carly Smithson did give a rather angry performance of Queen's "Show Must Go." Simon was right. She's a great singer but she doesn't seem happy these days. Ever since Amanda Overmyer got kicked off she seems to be rudderless. Maybe she's hungry and cranky from dieting too much. Carly, eat a sandwich! Get happy again!

7. David Archuleta would make a killing as a gospel singer. He would have only been more inspirational singing "Angel" if he had actually worn wings and a halo as he sat at the piano.

8. Brooke White was smart choosing Carol King's "You've Got A Friend" because everybody wants to be Brooke's friend. I get the feeling if I called her tomorrow and asked her to help me move she would say, "Well, as soon as I'm done with the photo shoot, I'll grab a pizza and be right over."

Here is Bruddah Iz singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."



Prediction: Syesha, Carly and David Cook in the bottom three with Syesha going home.

More Idol chatter over at Humor-Blogs.

Kansas Wins! Skene Wins!

My husband and I decided to have an NCAA March Madness Office Pool even though we are the only two people in the office. For most of the tournament, he kicked my over-sized ass, but I rallied and overtook him with the final win by Kansas.

Now I won't have to do laundry wearing a bikini and whore shoes. That was the bet... at least in my husband's mind. I was appalled by the wager mostly because our apartment has a public laundry area. When I protested he simply said, "Nobody ever does laundry down there."

In fact, I was so busy complaining that I forgot to think up a bet for him. As the winner, I should make him do the laundry wearing a bikini and whore shoes but that's something I don't even want to see.

Maybe I'll just make him do laundry. Any woman will tell you that not having to do the laundry is a bet worth winning.

Repelle Skin Shield Wand VS ChapStick

I've only been dying my hair black for 32-months now. Prior to that I had been dying my hair blond. Then, in one afternoon, I went from Betty to Veronica...of course, I'm still married to Jughead.

Black dye is a little harder to manage than any lightening product. For one thing, it stains your skin purple. Since I have a lot of hair and only two hands, this means I spend a few days each month with purple ears, purple neck and, if I'm particularly sloppy, a purple face.

About a year ago, I read about a "revolutionary new hair dye product" called Repelle Skin Shield Wand. It seemed ingenious. Rub it on your skin pre-dying and you won't have any stains post-dying. Five bucks later and I was putting this fabulous creation to the test.

It worked. It wasn't perfect but I was much less Barney-like when I was done.

My husband, fascinated by my glowing endorsement, decided to inspect this wondrous magic wand. He looked it over, sniffed it a bit, licked it in a Yukon Cornelius kind of way and declared, "It's ChapStick! Next time use ChapStick and see if it works just as well."

It worked. The ChapStick wasn't perfect but it was just as good as Repelle... and it's much cheaper.

My husband is a genius and now he's the most hated man at Repelle headquarters.

So now I own two ChapSticks: one for my lips and one for my hairline. As long as I don't get them confused, I'll be in business.

Humor Blogs

I've slipped in the rankings over there yonder at Humor Blogs. If you could click on this humor-blog link ,I would be much obliged. If you do so, I promise to stop using cowboy words like "yonder" and "obliged."

Chucky Baby Aka Charlton Heston Is Gone

In my childhood home, Charlton Heston was affectionately known as Chucky Baby. My mother, who was not prone to fan-crushes on celebrities, could not hide her admiration for the glistening Ben-Hur so she gave him a nickname that spoke volumes.

In the mid-1980's, as my mother lay in the hospital recovering from a brain aneurysm, I bought her a Charlton Heston photo book as a joke, hoping it would cheer her up. Unfortunately, her memory had been damaged so, as she flipped through the pages she said, "I don't understand. Why would I want this?"

It was one of the saddest moments of my life.

In the weeks that followed, much of her memory returned but she passed away before I had the chance to ask her if she recalled the Chucky Baby moniker.

For over twenty years, I have continued to call him Chucky Baby even though my mother is no longer with us. Last night, when my husband told me the news of Heston's death, I said, "No, not Chucky Baby?!" I was sad for him. I was sad for her.

I will continue the Chucky Baby tradition for as long as my memory will allow. If you want me to stop, you'll have to pry the nickname from my cold, dead hands.

Rejected Us Weekly Fashion Police Jokes 9

I have been a Top Cop for Us Weekly's Fashion Police since 2001. (Why do men always call it "U.S." Weekly even when they see it spelled with a big "U" and a small "s"?)

Some weeks many of my jokes are published while other weeks I have to settle for just one or two. Below is a partial list of comments that never made it to the newsstand.

Note: The ones marked "Accepted" are my comments that got in. The ones marked "Rejected" are the ones that didn't.


Anne Hathaway

Rejected: What a UPS driver should wear to the Oscars.

Molly Simms

Rejected: That dress must be a big hit with cats.

Rejected: When did she become a Fembot?

Rumor Willis

Accepted: Punk'd by her stylist?

Rejected: It's Hee-Hawful.

Heather Mills

Rejected: Perfect for selling real estate in 1976.

Rejected: She needs to go on Shopping With the Stars.

Vote For Alex House

My friend Alex House is currently competing online for a spot in the finals of the 2008 Purina Pet Comedy Challenge. Last year, she was forced to withdraw when her baby decided that it was time to be born. (Damn kids ruin everything!)

This year, if she makes it to the finals again, dad will stay home with the baby and the dogs so she'll have a chance at the $10,000.00 grand prize.

Here's a clip of a very pregnant Alex from last year's competition. To vote, please click on the link at the bottom of this post.



Vote here.

Cindy McCain's Bud Bucks

John McCain may not know much about the economy, but any man who marries a hot babe worth 100 million dollars certainly knows economics.

Cindy McCain, heiress to a beer distributor fortune, didn't have to marry a broke senator from Arizona. She could have easily hooked up with an equally rich dude who really liked Bud Light. Instead, she chose to spend her life with a balding, hot-tempered former prisoner of war. Either McCain is a really great guy or he has a really big member... or both. What else could explain this several decades long union?

I think having a first lady who has made mega-bucks from beer sales is uber Americana. I just hope, if elected, the new White House occupants don't shy away from the family business.

Clydesdales on the south lawn, I say! Dollar draughts before each press conference! Interns wearing "Drink. Pee. Repeat." T-shirts!

After eight years of W and Laura going to bed at 9, the White House might be Party Central again. You can bet Bill Clinton will be there... without Hillary, of course.

American Idol 4/1/08

I love Dolly Parton. She's the only person in showbiz who can be so fake yet so real at the same time.

But, as much as I admire her iconic status, borderline parody persona and vocal range, I've never really been a big fan of her music. So, I was a wee bit nervous for the contestants who had to perform Parton's "Songs From The Heart."

1. Brooke White has the tiniest ass I have ever seen. It looked like she was carrying two little plums in the back of her pants. "Jolene" is one of the few Dolly Parton songs I actually like but Brooke managed to rip the balls off the tune. She's just too nice to sound threatening. Instead of saying, "Don't take my man" I imagine her saying, "Okay, you can have him but, when you're done, please bring him back 'cause I really like him and, by the way, would you like some cake before you go steal my man?"

2. David Cook prefaced his performance of "Little Sparrow" by emphasizing that he was going to perform his own arrangement of the song. I suppose the shitstorm from "Billy Jean" was something he was eager to avoid. I was just happy he finally stole somebody else's haircut.

3. Ramiele Malubay's talent is as tiny as she is. What good is belting out high notes if you're going to bottom out on the non-high notes? Simon was right, she was cruise ship all the way and by cruise ship, I mean the Titanic.

4. Jason Castro had his dreadlocks caressed by the Queen of Country but I don't think he liked it much. He seemed to recoil from her touch. Perhaps he was frightened by her 12-inch red nails.

5. Carly Smithson sure can sing but, Simon's right, her wardrobe is atrocious. I think I wore red pants tucked inside black boots way back in the '80's. She looks like she's dressing for karaoke instead of American Idol.

6. David Archuleta made Dolly Parton cry! That alone should get him a lifetime pass to Dollywood.

7. Kristy Lee Cook picked the least contemporary song in the entire Parton catalog and that's tough considering so many are quite old-fashioned. While Ramiele was cruise-shippy, Kristy was theme-parky. And not the big expensive theme park that costs seventy bucks to get in. She's more like a tiny theme park in a small town that's only known for kumquats or garlic.

8. Syesha Mercado chose the only Dolly Parton song covered by Whitney Houston. What a shock?! The girls backstage must have wrestled each other for the right to sing "I Will Always Love You." Well, all of them except for Brooke White. She stood on the sidelines and said, "No, it's okay, I can sing something else. Really, it's good." Syesha is no Whitney. She's not even as good as Dan Whitney aka Larry the Cable Guy. Although I do think Carly Smithson has borrowed some of his shirts.

9. Michael Johns might be the only contestant on the show who can wear an ascot and still look cool. I sure hope this fashion trend doesn't catch on. I fear the next time I go to the mall, I'll see a bunch of 12-year-old boys dressed like Alistair Cooke.

Prediction: Ramiele Mulaby is going down with the ship...I hope.

Big Brother (My Sibling, Not The Show)

This May, my big brother, Jim Skene (everybody from his past still calls him Jimmy) will be inducted into the Philadelphia Oldtimers Soccer Association Hall of Fame.

The name "Oldtimers" may lead you to believe that my big brother is 90-years-old and only mobile with the aid of a walker. Not true...although he will always be older than me. Oldtimers is merely a designation for players whose competitive days are behind them.

In his playing days, however, he was quite well-known around these parts. As a goalkeeper for Frankford High School he led his team to a City Championship and was nominated by the Philadelphia Inquirer for Athlete of the Year. At Rutgers University, his goalkeeping records stood unbroken for a quarter of a century.

After graduation, he became an assistant coach at Drexel University and today coaches the Special Olympics Soccer Team at Lighthouse.

Plus he helped turn me into a pretty darn good player which is probably the real reason they are giving him this honor.

Unfortunately, I will be working at the Pittsburgh Funny Bone the night of the ceremony so I can't attend. I'm bummed. So instead, I'm congratulating him publicly.