Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Day Without A Gay

Tomorrow is "Call In Gay Day" for the millions of working homosexuals interested in protesting Proposition 8. It's kind of like "Take Your Daughter To Work Day" only your little girl is a lesbian and she's staying home instead of tapping pencils on your desk for eight hours.

Concocted by a Los Angeles based comedian, (as a former Los Angeles-based comedian, I know this is not a good sign) this "Day Without A Gay" is meant to illustrate how much gays and lesbians contribute to American society. Not only are homosexuals supposed to stay home but they are also encouraged to keep their wallets slammed shut.

Okay. I must now take a deep cleansing breath.


Why don't you just declare it "Call In Selfish Day" or "Let's Make The Dow Drop Another 1,000 Points Day" or "Mommy, Why Does My Letter To Santa Say Return To Sender Day?" Couldn't they have come up with some sort of protest that would actually help the economy?

Plus, ill heterosexuals all across this great land of ours will now drag their sick asses to work tomorrow, infecting all of the other heterosexuals and closeted homosexuals with their coughing and wheezing which will lead to billions of dollars in lost productivity when they all stay home on Thursday and Friday.

Will the non-gays go to work because they're afraid to be thought of as gay? Hell no! The non-gays will go to work because they'll be afraid of being thought of as a worker who would stay home to protest a failed ballot initiative, because staying home may lead to their firing or, at the very least, a bad performance review. And they would be afraid of this because WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RECESSION, YOU MORONS and they don't want to lose their steady paychecks.

Instead, homosexuals should go to their respective jobs tomorrow wearing "I'm A Proud Gay Worker" T's and then afterwards hit the surrounding malls and restaurants sporting "I'm A Proud Gay Consumer" sweatshirts. If business owners see a flood of gay patrons, perhaps they'll vote differently in the future.

In the meantime, I'm going to declare tomorrow "Call In Marvin Gaye Day." It'll be my way of uniting heterosexuals and homosexuals who just want to stay home mid-week for a little sexual healing. (Wednesday is historically known as Hump Day, after all.) I figure that by 1 PM everybody will be back at work with plans on staying late. The economy will be boosted by sales of pay-per-view porn, take-out Chinese and over-priced flowers from local supermarkets.

Plus, since the boss will also be getting laid, there won't be any fear of retribution.

My plan is a win-win, proving yet again that I am a uniter, not a divider.

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