Socks Fan

I strolled into Walmart late this afternoon, pulled out my debit card and purchased 24 pairs of socks for $19.50. Of course, the minute I wash them I will have 22 1/2 pairs of socks and, inexplicably, four months from now I will have 28 pairs of socks with only six being a perfect match.

My first inclination after my sock buying extraveganza was to come home and toss out every pair of tootsie covers I own. But, in an effort to be environmentally aware, I have decided to use the socks with holes for dusting rags (yes, they'll be clean socks... yes, I've been wearing socks with holes) and the rest will be worn one more time before tossing them into the garbage.

To prove that I can be disciplined, I will refuse to crack open the fresh socks until the last pair of the old ones has been discarded. Man, you'd think I was raised during the depression.

I also tried to buy underwear (OKAY, OKAY I've also been wearing underwear with holes! Will you get off my back?!) but there weren't any in my size. When I concluded that most of the women in this world must have the same ass as me, my husband said, doing his best Oscar Wilde impression, "Oh, if that were only true."

By Thanksgiving, I'm determined to have an underwear drawer that is the envy of all. Or at the very least, have an underwear drawer that won't embarrass me if a reality show TV crew shows up and starts going through my girlie things.