The New York Onion

I think the New York Post has secretly been purchased by The Onion. How else can you explain this article about wealthy Hollywood celebrities who are feeling the effects of the "worst economic slump in 80 years"?

Not only is Kate Walsh drinking out of the tap and Rebecca Romijn forbidden by her husband to buy shoes, but poor Valerie Bertinelli is taking the summer one day at a time.

"We are not taking a vacation this year," says Valerie Bertinelli, star of the upcoming Lifetime original movie "True Confessions of A Hollywood Starlet."

"We are doing a stay-cation," she says. "Staying at home. Hanging out by the pool, barbecuing."

Oh, Ms. Romano, what did you do with all your Jenny Craig money? Eat it? (By the way, I think your sponsors would have preferred if you had said, "Staying at home. Hanging out by the pool and eating delicious Jenny Craig entrees."

Perhaps, Val, if you hadn't spent so much money on food this past decade you would have been able to start a vacation club. Just a thought.

What does she mean she can't afford a vacation?! Hell, I just took a vacation and I can't afford anything!

I guess she means she can't afford first class tickets, $1,000 a night hotel room and dinner at the finest restaurants. I just paid $450 roundtrip to Honolulu and had an ocean view for $150 per night and purchased $10 salads at Wolfgang Puck Express. Ex-husband, Eddie Van Halen, probably spends that much money every day on vodka.

I guess she feels pretty silly for having rejected Steven Spielberg as a suitor many years ago merely because he didn't eat garlic. I can guarantee his current wife isn't having a "staycation" this summer. And if she does, then I bet she'll hire a chef to do the barbecuing.