Suze Whoreman To The Rescue!

In an article about decriminalizing prostitution in San Francisco, I discovered that Frisco hookers can choose to be part of the Erotic Service Providers Union.

Now I'm not sure this is what Woody Guthrie had in mind when he picked up his guitar and traveled the nation singing about worker's rights, but you have to admit that the ESPU certainly would have some interesting union meetings. Although I can't imagine any of them wearing matching satin jackets.

I suppose prostitutes want to unionize for all the same reasons other tax-paying citizens want to unionize (oh wait, streetwalkers don't pay taxes... the world's oldest profession operates "under the table" both literally and figuratively). Working conditions, healthcare and legal protection are probably concerns for all those engaging in hookery.

But do you think any of them are worried about pensions or retirement? Do any of these ladies of the night prepare for their future? Has there every been a ho who, in the middle of giving a handjob in a parking lot, thought to herself, "Someday I'd like to save enough money so I can move to a warmer climate and give handjobs on the beach."

These harlots need help!

That's why I'm going to write a financial guidebook called "The Stiletto-Healed Investor: How To Be Pimp-Free and Debt-Free in Five Easy Steps." Or maybe I'll stick with my original title, "Rich John, Poor John: What The Rich Teach Their Whores About Money."

Step One: Put aside the money from every fifth blowjob. Financial discipline-- not bondage and discipline-- is essential. Say to yourself, "This blowjob is for the future."

Step Two: Pay off that high interest pimp debt. Making minimum payments could take 20 years or more just to pay off the pimp principle. The faster you get out from under your pimp, the better off you'll be.

Step Three: Invest in Real Estate. The difference between a call girl and a streetwalker is location, location, location.

Step Four: Don't barter. Anal sex for a pack of cigarettes and a sandwich may seem like a good idea at the time, but cash is king. No compound interest will only compound your problems.

Step Five: Equity is not just the name of the girl who works the next corner. The more you put away, the less you'll have to put out.

Gee, do you think Oprah will make me a part of her book club?