Aloha From Hawaii-- 7

Art Linkletter was right! Kids do say the darndest things!

As my husband and our friend were standing in line with his two little girls at the Dole Pineapple Pavilion, the six-year-old was informed that there was only one flavor of ice cream for sale. With a straight face she said, "Which flavor is it?" Hmmmmmmmm, could it be pineapple? Apparently, she didn't notice the name of the place or the pineapples growing outside or the thousands of pineapple products that surrounded her while she stood in line. Take the kid to Hershey Park and she'd probably request strawberry.

This is also the same kid who, when her dad asked her which doll she wanted to take with her to Hawaii, replied, "The one with cancer." Only six-years-old and already she's starting her own Make-A-Wish Foundation. For the record, the doll is resting comfortably and seems to be having the time of her tragically short life.

Criticizing the Dole Pineapple Pavilion seems to be a pasttime of both locals and tourists alike. But I like the joint. We visited 20 years ago back when it really was craptastic. But since then they've created a beautiful garden and a train ride that goes through the pineapple fields and let's not forget the World's Largest Maze. We're not maze people but we are train and garden people.

The men took the kids while the ladies took the garden tour. Our guide was a sweet old Japanese man with the quirky mannerisms and facial tics of a coke addict. We were the only ones asking any questions but he was helpful or at the very least tolerant. We saw starfruit trees and papaya trees and banana trees. You know, all the stuff you see in the supermarket only still attached to the tree.

As we were driving further north we noticed a bunch of people parking their cars on the side of the road and hustling towards the beach. So we pulled over to see what all the fuss was about. I'm glad we did. Swimming near the shoreline were giant turtles. You know, the kind you see at the zoo only not in the zoo. Apparently, they come in close to feed on seaweed. Or they are just really egotistical and love to have their pictures taken.


Next stop was the Polynesian Cultural Center which is like Disneyland without the cartoon mice. Criticizing the PCC is the second favorite pasttime of locals and tourists alike but, again, I liked the joint. Why are folks so afraid to admit that kitsch is fun?!


We arrived just in time for...nothing. The canoe pageant started at 2:30 so from 1:30 until then, everything comes to a screeching halt. We staked out good seats and then an hour later realized they were terrible seats.

At 3 we began touring the various villages. Each one is dedicated to a different island in the Pacific. It's a way of showcasing the various cultures without all that nasty human sacrificing nonsense.

If you're looking for hardcore anthropoligical answers, this is not the place. If you want to learn how to weave a fish out of leaves, this is the place.

My husband and the 12-year-old boy threw spears, played with poi balls and attempted to make fire. We watched the Hawaii show, the Tahitian Show and the Samoan Show. We suspected that the Samoan Show would contain the same jokes that Chief Sielu Avea had done the night before at our resort (he worked at the PCC for many years before striking out on his own) and sure enough, same jokes. Apparently, coconut cracking isn't the only tradition being passed down from generation to generation. Now they can add schtick to the list.

Cousin Benny, the host of the Hawaiian Show announced that his daughter will be playing on the US Soccer team in China next month. The crowd went wild!

On the way home, we decided to stop off at one of the beautiful North Shore beaches. Sunset Beach was made even more beautiful this time by a spectacular rainbow.

When you see a sign in Hawaii that says "Strong Current" believe it. We saw locals bobbing around in the water so we assumed the warning was an exaggeration. Well, the Hawaiians must have been amused watching a bunch of pasty white folks from Jersey being tossed around like ragdolls.