Aloha From Hawaii-- 5

If you're going to hike to the top of Diamond Head, I suggest you take aspirin, Tylenol, Advil, heroin or you favorite painkiller of choice before you even make the descent. In fact, if you plan on participating in any activity that involves your shins, buttocks or lower back then do so before paying the park entrance fee and beginning the climb. Those body parts won't be any good to you afterwards.


Seven of us began the hike yet only three finished. Momma and the four- and six-year-old girls opted to turn around. Smart decision. It takes a mighty hearty tyke to complete the entire trip.

After an initial steep path, you climb a series of switchbacks which lead to a series of stairs. Somewhere in there is a tunnel and then a spiral staircase to top it all off. We did the walk 20 years ago but don't remember a damn thing about it. If we didn't have a picture of us at the top, I'd swear we dreamt the whole thing.

But somehow little kids do it and old people do it and, I'm told, there was a woman today who was eight-months pregnant who did it. Although I pointed out she was probably three-months pregnant when she started.

But the view is worth all the sweat. And, boy oh boy, I sweated more than the Pope at a lesbian wedding.

Later that afternoon, we managed to get to the ukulele festival before it ended. There were hundreds of people-- young and old-- playing Tiny Tim's instrument of choice yet not one person looked like the crazy-haired musician.

Then we hopped in the car for a tour of the windward side which eventually lead to the Nu'uanu Pali pass, perhaps the windiest point on all of Oahu. It's where you should take your children if they are driving you crazy during your vacation. One stiff breeze and they're in Maui.

I just saw a TV ad for instant Kona coffee. Instant Kona coffee? How do you take the best coffee in the world and make it completely undrinkable-- make it instant!