Sunday, May 4, 2008

Moses Supposes His Toeses Are Roses

As I sat in the Pittsburgh airport this morning, waiting to board a flight home to Philly, I amused myself by counting the number of flip-flops I saw. Flip-flops, it seems, have become the shoe of choice for American travelers.

It used to be that flip-flops were reserved for the beach or, at least, for places that are located very near the beach, but mandatory shoe removal at security has turned our nation's airports into one giant Club Med.

Only the elderly seem to be immune to this trend. Sometimes you'll see an entire flip-flop family. Young and old, rich and poor, male and female...folks of every nationality are shuffling around the terminals looking more like people in search of a public shower than the correct gate for their departing flight. It's disturbing.

Why can't they wear easily removed loafers or sandals or sneakers with velcro? Why must they subject the rest of us to bad pedicures, roughed-up heels and hairy big toes?

I think the terrorists have won!

Besides being aesthetically unappealing, it's not safe. Have you ever tried to run in flip-flops? It's not easy. Your footwear decisions should be based on fleeing the aircraft in the event of a crash, not on whether you can get through airport security 20 seconds faster.

Now that we've entered the summer travel season, this craze will no doubt grow in popularity. Be prepared for flip-flops with shorts, flip-flops with skirts, flip-flops with matching velour pants and jacket. Can flip-flops with bathing suits be far behind?

I'll stick with my sneakers, thank you very much. And I will use those very sneakers to kick the flip-flop wearing brigade out of my way as I flee the fireball and head for the exit. While they're busy blowing out their toe hair, I will have run a safe distance from the burning wreckage. Well, first I'll stop to help the old ladies. At least they all had the sense to wear Cobbie Cuddlers.

4 comments:

Dina Kucera said...

I am actually jealous of the flip flop people. I have a sensitivity issue with my big toe and the one next to it. It's very painful to wear flip flops. Also, I don't like feet. I don't think feet were ever suppose to be shown to the masses. I think they were suppose to be covered in public, like a vagina. Sorry. That's the only comparason I could come up with. Dina Kucera

Traci Skene said...

Often, vaginas aren't as hairy.

I'm one of those freaky people who has a second toe that is actually bigger than the big toe. It's been pointed out to me by people I don't know very well that this is something I should be ashamed of.

Dina Kucera said...

Oh jesus. I have the longer second toe as well! I am filled with shame. If there were a plastic surgery that would fix it, I would do it. I hate it. If I wear sandles (which is rare because I don't like feet) my second toe rolls over the edge of the shoe. I feel like its dragging on the ground as I walk. OK, it's not that bad. But.. wow. The longer second toe is a real problem in the summer

Traci Skene said...

According to an article I read a few months ago, in the olden days they thought the second bigger toe was a sign of superior intelligence. I plan to use that factoid all summer long.