Tuesday, May 20, 2008

American Idol Finals

It's being billed as the Battle of the Double D's! Can you imagine the disappointment of breast men all around the globe who tune in to see babes with big knockers but instead get a baby-faced crooner and a pseudo rocker in a singing contest.

Michael Buffer-- aka the "Let's Get Ready To Rumble Guy"-- started the show with his trademark call. In his boxing robe, poor David Archuleta looked like he had been playing in daddy's closet.

Ryan Seacrest called them Big David and Little David. Can you imagine the disappointment of pedophiles across the globe who tune in to see... oh wait, they won't be disappointed.

The boxing metaphor was a bit annoying. Jim Lampley, as always, was annoying as well. I just wish they had used the boxing theme when Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard were in the finals. That would have been hilarious.

Clive Davis picked the first round of songs. I certainly wouldn't trust him with this task, especially after what Davis did to Kelly Clarkson. The man is a menace.

David Cook opened with "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." What was the orange thing on his hand? It looked like a hospital bracelet.

David Archuleta followed with "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" which we always call "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me." I would have loved to have heard the Mormon kid belt out our version with a straight face. Paula said she had chills. I'm guessing part of it is due to alcohol withdraw.

The finalists got to pick which song writing they wanted to perform.

David Cook chose "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton. It sounded like the kind of rock song they use for a TV movie of the week or as theme music for a film about a basketball-playing dog.

Archuleta-- or as Seacrest calls him, "Archie"-- picked "In This Moment" by Ryan Gillmore. I think we're going to hear this song over and over and over again at the Summer Olympics. Archuleta was weepy for the second time of the night. I guess he was concerned about where everybody parked. (Yes, that was a callback to last week.)

My husband suggested Archuleta paint eyeballs on his eyelids so he at least appears to be singing with his eyes open. Maybe he keeps his eyes closed because he's sick of looking at Andrew Lloyd Webber in the audience.

Round three is Contestant's Choice.

Cook picked "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. It's a great song. We own the CD. But I think he ripped the balls off the tune. It was a little too sensitive. I prefer a more powerful version. Cook wept at the end. I think he knows he's the runner-up.

(I hope in the off-season, Paula takes clapping lessons.)

Archuleta performed "Imagine" for the second time this season. I wonder if the Mormon church likes him singing the lyrics "Imagine no religion." Perhaps they'd like "Imagine no other religion than the Church of Latter Day Saints" but not this. I can't wait to see him riding around my neighborhood wearing his blue pants and white shirt with his little backpack and helmet spreading the word of his church. Or, will they let him out of his two-year missionary obligation just like they did the Osmonds?

Why did they show both Davids going off-key in the wrap-up clips? That wasn't fair.

Hey, look, it's Reverend Ruben!

I predict David Archuleta is your next American Idol.


Al Romas said...

The orange Lance Armstrong kind of thing on Cook's hand is for a Tampa entertaintment reporter's daughter who is ill. He told the guy he would wear it and make it visible to the girl. Even with all that, I fell asleep. Andrew Webber looks like a 75 year old Mike Myers.

Traci Skene said...

Ah, well, don't I feel like a jerk. But, his other fashion choices are questionable so I just wrongly assumed it was another pointless yet quirky accessory.

Andrew Lloyd Webber does look like Mike Myers. Isn't it a little creepy that he keeps hanging around?

We're in Cook's hometown of Kansas City right now. I wonder if our comedy club attendance will be hurt by tonight's Idol show?