American Idol 4/1/08

I love Dolly Parton. She's the only person in showbiz who can be so fake yet so real at the same time.

But, as much as I admire her iconic status, borderline parody persona and vocal range, I've never really been a big fan of her music. So, I was a wee bit nervous for the contestants who had to perform Parton's "Songs From The Heart."

1. Brooke White has the tiniest ass I have ever seen. It looked like she was carrying two little plums in the back of her pants. "Jolene" is one of the few Dolly Parton songs I actually like but Brooke managed to rip the balls off the tune. She's just too nice to sound threatening. Instead of saying, "Don't take my man" I imagine her saying, "Okay, you can have him but, when you're done, please bring him back 'cause I really like him and, by the way, would you like some cake before you go steal my man?"

2. David Cook prefaced his performance of "Little Sparrow" by emphasizing that he was going to perform his own arrangement of the song. I suppose the shitstorm from "Billy Jean" was something he was eager to avoid. I was just happy he finally stole somebody else's haircut.

3. Ramiele Malubay's talent is as tiny as she is. What good is belting out high notes if you're going to bottom out on the non-high notes? Simon was right, she was cruise ship all the way and by cruise ship, I mean the Titanic.

4. Jason Castro had his dreadlocks caressed by the Queen of Country but I don't think he liked it much. He seemed to recoil from her touch. Perhaps he was frightened by her 12-inch red nails.

5. Carly Smithson sure can sing but, Simon's right, her wardrobe is atrocious. I think I wore red pants tucked inside black boots way back in the '80's. She looks like she's dressing for karaoke instead of American Idol.

6. David Archuleta made Dolly Parton cry! That alone should get him a lifetime pass to Dollywood.

7. Kristy Lee Cook picked the least contemporary song in the entire Parton catalog and that's tough considering so many are quite old-fashioned. While Ramiele was cruise-shippy, Kristy was theme-parky. And not the big expensive theme park that costs seventy bucks to get in. She's more like a tiny theme park in a small town that's only known for kumquats or garlic.

8. Syesha Mercado chose the only Dolly Parton song covered by Whitney Houston. What a shock?! The girls backstage must have wrestled each other for the right to sing "I Will Always Love You." Well, all of them except for Brooke White. She stood on the sidelines and said, "No, it's okay, I can sing something else. Really, it's good." Syesha is no Whitney. She's not even as good as Dan Whitney aka Larry the Cable Guy. Although I do think Carly Smithson has borrowed some of his shirts.

9. Michael Johns might be the only contestant on the show who can wear an ascot and still look cool. I sure hope this fashion trend doesn't catch on. I fear the next time I go to the mall, I'll see a bunch of 12-year-old boys dressed like Alistair Cooke.

Prediction: Ramiele Mulaby is going down with the ship...I hope.