In My Easter Bonnet

When I was a much younger and smaller version of myself, my parents would spend money they obviously didn't have on complete Easter ensembles for my siblings and me. My fancy getup always included a new coat, dress, shoes, gloves, hat, tights, frilly underwear and, the most pointless item of all for a pre-schooler, a pocketbook.

My mother often shopped for these outfits at a store called Kelly's Korner. If you watch the movie "Rocky" you'll see Adrian carrying a Kelly's Korner bag when she reveals her makeover to the Italian Stallion. My aunt worked as a cashier at Kelly's Korner and she would often "forget" to ring up certain articles for us upon checkout. Yes, I know technically this was theft but, since we were poorish, I think Jesus would approve.

You most likely assume my parents made us wear our Easter best so we could impress the other parishioners at church. There was just one problem, we didn't go to church. We went to the zoo. That's right-- once a year my mother would buy us clothes we would never wear again, just so we could look cute while feeding pellets to goats. Again, I think Jesus would approve.

My mother sure did have great taste in clothes. I looked adorable. But, I do have to question her decision to dress my brother in a gay safari suit. I don't care if it was 1969, you just shouldn't do that to your only son.

Easter was always fun at our house. Inexplicably, my mother would serve ham and stuffed shells even though none of us were Italian. The Easter bunny always brought us a metric ton of chocolate which probably caused me to have GERD even way back then. And, every two years or so, somebody would hide one of the hard-boiled eggs near the radiator and then forget, leading to a very smelly day several weeks later.

When I was six, the Easter bunny dropped a carrot on his way out but I think a CSI Team would discover through dental records that the bite mark was an exact match to one of my parents. I don't want to say that they both lied to me, but I definitely think Jesus would not approve this time.

Most importantly, Easter was the one day out of the year when I actually allowed my hair to be combed.

This year I will not be buying a new outfit for the holiday, but I will comb my hair. Some traditions are worth keeping. I just hope my brother doesn't show up for dinner wearing a gay safari suit.