American Idol 3/11/08

The boy wonder melts down! Former Star Search Junior Grand Champion, David Archuleta is lucky he isn't a contestant on Fox's Don't Forget The Lyrics.

After screwing up the words to a classic Lennon/McCartney tune, Archuleta veered off-key, screwed up the lyrics, veered off-key and then screwed up the lyrics again. Throughout the song, he didn't just have the "deer caught in the headlights" look, he had the "deer caught in your underwear drawer" look. It was a combination of panic and bemusement that crossed his little Tiger Beat centerfold face.

Luckily for David A., other contestants were far worse.

Former male stripper, David Hernandez who, according to his pre-performance interview, worked at a pizza place (well, both jobs did involve salami) was almost as good/bad as Adam Sandler in "The Wedding Singer". He was sooooooo L7. By this time next week, he may just be begging for his job back at Dick's House of Dicks or whatever the joint was called.

Kristy Lee Cook could be Kristy Lee cooked. The girl with the ever-changing hair was more Dollywood than Hollywood. Her hyper-speedy version of "Eight Days A Week" seemingly took eight seconds to sing. And I deeply resent her "I was just a farm girl until a few weeks ago" story when all you have to do is Google her name to see that she used to have a recording contract.

I was so relieved to hear Simon refer to the Irish girl as "The Irish Girl." I'll be damned if I can remember her name and I'm thrilled that Simon can't either. She should just legally change her name to "The Irish Girl" before it's too late. I'm sure Sinead O'Connor isn't using it anymore. If anything, O'Connor is now called "That Irish Girl" as in "Remember that Irish girl?"

Chikezie-- or as Simon calls him Jacuzzi-- or as I call him Chucky Cheesey-- was really good tonight with his Yo Brotha Where Art Thou interpretation-- and yes, I said Yo Brotha because he's black... get it?... I made a black joke.