Friday, December 21, 2007

Money Can't Buy Classiness

Those Spears girls sure are a fertile bunch. I suppose it helps to have more eggs than brain cells. How else do you explain two rich girls having multiple unplanned pregnancies. I always say, if you can afford an SUV then you can afford an IUD. (Actually, I've never said that before, but I'll say it from now on.) Heck, with that kind of cash you can hire and assistant to sprinkle birth control pills in your Ovaltine... oh, and you know they both drink Ovaltine.

Last February, my husband and I wrote and open letter to Britney Spears.

Dear Britney:

So sorry to hear that you're in rehab. (Actually, we're not surprised... but we're still somewhat sorry.)

Since we know you're an avid reader of, we figured this would be the best way to contact you.

We have an offer: We'd be happy to take your children and look after them.

Before you say no, consider this: The Female Half of the Staff bears a striking resemblance to you (or, at least she did... 20 years ago... And, the more you let yourself go, the more the two of you resemble each other yet again), so, when the tots look up, they'll see a face that is startlingly similar to their momma's. Also consider that, since we're in the business of show, we regularly work in a lot of locations where you have a home/residence-- remember when we narrowly missed bumping into you on the beach in Destin a coupla years back?-- (so, you'll be able to visit the little ones... or at least spy on us from afar). And, we're married-- and we intend to stay married-- so the kids will have a two-parent home. And we both wear underwear when in public! And both the Female and Male Halves can say "Hi, y'all!" while affecting a convincing southern Louisiana twang, so the Spears-lets will be comforted by the sound of their ancestral home.

All we require is $20,000 per month ($10,000 per young'un/month... a bargain!), to be re-negotiated when they reach school age. (It's private schools or nothing for these two... we insist!)

You can contact us through the mag.

Thanks, and we hope to hear from you!
I would now like to make the same offer to Jamie Lynn Spears.

According to the folks at I actually look more like Jamie Lynn Spears than I do Britney. To be honest, Jamie Lynn looks more like my late mother than she does me. So, this works out perfectly.

The child will have a mom who looks like their aunt. They will have pictures of their grandmother who looks like their biological mother. They will have a set of middle-aged caretakers rather than a teenage mom and a dad who is serving jail time on statutory rape charges.

If it's a girl, we'll even name her Zoe 101. That's right, her middle name will be 101.

And on her 14th birthday, we'll have her tubes tied.


Suzy said...

Don't move to LA though because we have the 101 freeway out here. And you'd have to hide her every time you hear, "Hey, let's just get on the 101 and ride it as far as it goes."

Traci Skene said...

Doesn't the 101 go to the Valley? Yikes, that sounds even worse.