Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Is It Happy Hanukkah or Chappy Chanukkah?

O, dradle dradle dradle I made you out of clay
dradle dradle dradle, I'll save the world today

Hey, kids, Hanukkah is bad for the environment.
In a campaign that has spread like wildfire across the Internet, a group of Israeli environmentalists is encouraging Jews around the world to light at least one less candle this Hanukka to help the environment.

The founders of the Green Hanukkia campaign found that every candle that burns completely produces 15 grams of carbon dioxide. If an estimated one million Israeli households light for eight days, they said, it would do significant damage to the atmosphere.

"The campaign calls for Jews around the world to save the last candle and save the planet, so we won't need another miracle," said Liad Ortar, the campaign's cofounder, who runs the Arkada environmental consulting firm and the Ynet Web site's environmental forum. "Global warming is a milestone in human evolution that requires us to rethink how we live our lives, and one of the main paradigms of that is religion and how it fits into the current situation."
Talk about the perfect Christmas gift for the White Supremacist on your shopping list. Now they can even blame global warming on the Jews! Of course, skinheads probably don't give a hoot about climate change, but they'll learn to care if it helps them in their quest to rid the globe of all things Jew-y. "Hmmm...if eliminating one day of Hanukah will save the world, imagine what would happen if we got rid of all eight nights?"

Get a hold of yourselves! Leave the holiday alone. There are plenty of other ways to save the planet.

But the Jewish community doesn't need my help. They will not sit idly by while I speak and merely yell, "You go goy!" Rabbis and other religious leaders are always more than capable of delivering a theological smackdown.
Shas MK Nissim Ze'ev said he was not convinced by the environmentalists' argument. He warned that the campaign would take away from the light of Torah that each and every candle symbolizes.

"The environmentalists should think about how much pollution is caused by one solitary diesel truck on the road," Ze'ev said. "They should be fighting the trucks instead of Judaism. This is so trivial, so anti-Jewish and so anti-religious that even the worst anti-Semites couldn't think of it. Just like the Helenists, they are trying to extinguish the flames of the Jewish soul."

United Torah Judaism MK Avraham Ravitz called the environmentalists "crazy people who are playing with the minds of innocent Jewish people." He said the campaign would only convince people who do not light candles anyway.

"They should encourage people to light one less cigarette instead," Ravitz said.
Boo-ya!

I'm just upset because, as a 1/8 Jew who was raised Protestant, I only celebrate Hanukkah one out of the eight days and that's just so I can eat the latkes. (In my case, Hanukkah isn't bad for the environment, but it is bad for my thighs.) What if they knock out my one night? What if the crazed environmentalists then turn their attention to Christmas lights? I can't survive December without fried potatoes and twinkly bulbs.

Jews and Christians must ban together to save our holidays. I think all Christians should light candles for the next eight nights out of solidarity. And I'll do my part by eating latkes for a week straight. Maybe I'll even make the traditional jelly doughnuts.

Mmmm...doughnuts.



See people come together at humor-blogs.com.

1 comment:

lisa said...

holy cow, one candle...

Next we'll be Earth killers every time we add a candle to the birthday cake. Environmentalists will want to clean out the nursing homes because those people (who are usually good pieces of tail, as we discussed earlier) have too many candles on their birthday cakes!!