Gift Buying Guide For Men

As I was walking through the men's section at Marshall's the other day, I realized that woman aren't as good at buying presents for guys as we think. The majority of items on display were pretty insulting. When it comes to gift-giving for our significant others, we seem to be obsessed with tools and shavers. It's as if each Christmas, we say to our men, "Fix this, then go fix yourself."

Much to their credit, men, as a rule, don't seem to care. Give them an ugly tie or a nose hair trimmer or a beer cozy featuring their favorite NFL Team and they will, at least, pretend to be enthusiastic.

Women, on the other hand, rarely can fake such glee.

That's why I always feel bad for men this time of year. Shopping for your wife, fiance or girlfriend is often a lose-lose situation. Just imagine what a man goes through when he has a wife, fiance and girlfriend? The Mormons must give out a lot of gift cards.

The jewelry commercials make it look easy. Don't believe everything you see on television. If my husband put a diamond necklace on my chest while I was sleeping, I would probably think it was a bug, scream and hurl the jewels across the room.

This year, as my gift to you, I have decided to help a brother out. Shopping for a woman is actually pretty easy. We really only want two things: To know that you've been paying attention and to be able to tell the other women in our lives that we have a man who pays attention. Here are some things you should consider before pulling out the plastic.

1. Size Does Matter.

Nothing will get you an icy stare or pouting lip faster than buying the wrong size clothes. Too big and she thinks you think she's fat. Too small and suddenly she thinks she's fat. Either way, it makes for a chilly holiday. Rooting through her closet to find out her size won't help either. Women have fat clothes and skinny clothes: Big shirts for when our boobs are swollen, small shirts for when we're feeling slutty. Only we know the system. Don't even try to figure it out.

2. Bringing Sexy Back

Lingerie may seem like a good idea but that's because you think like a man. A cynical woman may think, "Oh great, a gift for him." An insecure woman might think, "Apparently, he hates what I usually wear to bed." Solution? Buy a sexy nightgown and a flannel robe. One says you think she's hot and the other says you still think she's hot even when she looks like a slob. As a bonus, most nighttime attire comes in small, medium and large so it's not as easy to screw up the sizing.

3. Gifts For Mother

Do not, under any circumstances, buy your mother and your lover the same gift! Especially if it comes from Victoria's Secret. That's just sick.

4. Diamonds Are Forever

When you buy a woman a diamond, you are really buying it for the other women in her life. That's why it's dangerous to buy the pendants or earrings advertised on TV. If you know the diamond heart-shaped necklace costs 99 bucks then so does she...and so do her friends and relatives. Buy something unique and if you're not sure of her taste, keep it simple...and keep the receipt.

5. Appliances R Us

Don't buy her a vacuum cleaner unless she has spent all year saying, "I really want a new vacuum cleaner." An electric knife might make her life easier but it won't get you laid on Christmas Eve. If she needs a new ironing board, wrap it up and say it's from the kids.

6. Are You Listening

Try your hardest to pick up on one thing that your lady has been saying over and over again and buy the corresponding gift. "I need new sunglasses." "Did you hear Coldplay has a new CD." "I love cashmere." If she says just once, "How did you know?" you can relax until next year.

7. Buy It All

Your best bet is just to buy a little of everything. Screwing up on three out of six gifts will be much easier than screwing up on one out of one. Buy a sweater and gloves and earrings and a blender and a hot little red negligee.

Then buy your mother a scented candle and a gift certificate to the Olive Garden.

Why would you do all of this for the woman in your life? Because she's the woman in your life!

Now, start shopping. And smile when she gives you the lower lumbar support pillow on Christmas morning. If you're lucky, you'll get your real present later on. That's something you won't want to re-gift.