The Porn Name Game

Is there a self-respecting US citizen who hasn't played the Porn Name Game during at least one dinner party? For those of you who aren't familiar with the Porn Name Game, it's a way of determining what you would call yourself if you starred in a pornographic movie by combining the name of your first pet with the street you grew up on. It differs from the similarly titled "Name Game" of the 1960's in that the words "Banana-fana" rarely make an appearance. Unless, of course, your first pet was a monkey and lived on Fana Lane.

I'm not sure who first devised this method, but the results are often hilarious and, at the very least, always interesting. By employing this system, my porn name is an appropriate and legitimate-sounding Kelly B. I can actually imagine the words "Butts Up 3 Starring Kelly B" appearing on a DVD cover.

Not everybody, however, can expect such suitable results. My older brother's porn name is Peanut B which is a good if you're a female porn star, but a rather unfortunate choice if you happen to be male. It would only be perfect for a guy if he had a huge member and a tremendous sense of irony.

My husband has been laboring under the false impression that his porn name is Auggie Gross which to me sounds more like a porn star's accountant. Then he realized that prior to adopting his dog Auggie, he had a cat named Puss. This means that his new porn name is Puss Gross. Puss Gross?! Puss Gross has to be the worst porn name in porno history! What kind of sick twisted bastard would want to see a XXX rated film starring somebody named Puss Gross?! Admittedly, it would be a great moniker for a James Bond villain but for porn it's disgusting.

Then he also conveniently realized that before his kitty was officially named Puss his family simply called her The Mother Cat. This means my husband's true porn name in The Mother Cat Gross. Again, a terrible porn name, but a great name for an alternative rock band ranking right up there with Death Cab for Cutie and Neutral Milk Hotel.