Tuesday, June 25, 2013

2014 Schedule

Brian McKim and I will be performing in clubs, casinos, colleges and country clubs around the U.S. and Canada! For more information go to Mr. and Mrs. Comedy.
January 1-3 Carnival Inspiration (Brian only)
Jan 13-19 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
Jan 18 Cocopah Casino, Yuma, AZ (Brian only)
Jan 27-Feb 2 Sin City, Las Vegas, NV
Jan 29-Feb 1 Carnival Dream (Brian only)
Feb 10-16 Las Vegas Live, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
Feb 26 Bootleggers, Las Vegas, NV
March 3-9 Sin City, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
March 10-16 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV
March 21-22 Comedy Works, Bristol, PA (PHL)
March 24-30 Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ (Traci only)
March 28-29 Stiches, Lancaster, PA (Brian only)
March 31-April 6, Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ (Brian only)
April 7-13 Sin City, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
April 16 Mountain God's Casino, Ruidoso, NM
April 17 Star Casino, Albuquerque, NM
April 22-27 Improv, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
May 1-3 Joke Joint, Houston, TX
May 8-10 Joke Joint, St. Paul, MN
May 15 Sam's Town, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
May 16-17 Laff's, Tuscon, AZ
May 22 Sam's Town, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
May 26 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
June 5-8 Liquid Laughs, Boise, ID (Brian only)
June 7 Private Party, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
June 12-14 Jacksonville CC, Jacksonville, FL
June 24-29 Improv, Las Vegas, NV
July 6 Sam's Town, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
July 17 Suncoast, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
August 4-10 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
November 25-30 Improv, Las Vegas, NV
December 19-20 Comedy Works, Bristol, PA
December 22-28 Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ
December 31 Stitches, Lancaster, PA

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

2013 Schedule

Brian McKim and I will be performing around the country and on the high seas! For more information go to Mr. and Mrs. Comedy.
Jan 7-13 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
Jan 8 Improv, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
Jan 11-28 Carnival Breeze/Ecstacy (Brian only)
Feb 6-10 Big Al's/Orleans, Las Vegas, NV
Feb 14-16 Comedy Castle, Detroit, MI
Feb 21-23 Connxtions, Lansing, MI
Feb 25-March 3 Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ (Traci only)
March 2 Firehouse, Atlantic County, NJ (Brian only)
March 4-10 Borgata, Atlantic City (Brian only)
March 14-17 Liquid Laughs, Boise, ID
March 18-24 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV
March 25-April 3 Carnival Ecstasy (Brian only)
April 12-13 Laffs, Tuscon, AZ
April 17-21 Goodnights, Raleigh, NC
April 24-27 Comedy Club of Jacksonville, FL
May 2-5 Comedy Club, Atlantic Beach, NC
May 20-26 Sin City Comedy Club, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
May 21-23 Improv, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
June 11-16 Improv, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
June 30 LA Comedy Club, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
July 4-7 Carnival Conquest (Brian only)
July 10-11 Casino, Albuquerque, NM
July 18 Stand Up Live, Phoenix, AZ
July 20 Casino, Yuma, AZ
July 23, 25-26 Comedy & Magic, Hermosa Beach, CA (Brian only)
August 6 Casablanca, Mesquite, NV (Brian only)
August 22 Suncoast Casino, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
September 9-15 Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ (Traci only)
September 16-22 Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ (Brian only)
September 27-28 2nd Street Comedy, Harrisburg, PA
October 2 Parx Casino, Bensalem, PA (Brian only)
October 4-5 Stitches, Lancaster, PA
October 11, Late Late Show w/Ferguson, CBS (Brian only)
October 14-20 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
November 5-9 Carolina Comedy Club, Myrtle Beach, SC
November 18-24 Laugh Factory, Las Vegas, NV (Brian only)
November 18-24 Sin City, Las Vegas, NV (Traci only)
November 29-Dec 5 Carnival (Brian only)
December 17-22 Harrah's Improv, Las Vegas, NV
December 27-29 Laughing Gas, Winston-Salem, NC
December 30-31 Carnival Inspiration (Brian only)

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sometimes Ask A Man

My Kindle Single "Sometimes Ask A Man" is available at Amazon for the low low price of $1.99!

In "Sometimes Ask A Man," standup comic, comedy writer and author Traci Skene hilariously skewers traditional social and sexual mores as well as modern feminism. Using the bestselling woman's self-help book, "Always Ask A Man" by Arlene Dahl as a jumping-off point, Skene calls for a ceasefire, a truce, an end to hostilities in the war between the genders. She was born just minutes after the publication of Dahl's book, which hit the stands just months after Betty Friedan's "Feminine Mystique" started feminism's second wave-- and she's been caught in the cross-current ever since. Fortunately for her readers, she's dealt with the wrenching societal changes with perspective, aplomb and a wicked sense of humor.


Sunday, July 8, 2012

We have a winner!

Everybody liked the smiley pictures. This was the most usable of the smiley pics. Here it is, cropped and smoothed out and Photoshopped. Thanks to all who participated!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

New Headshots?

Here they are. Note: They're pre-Photoshopped, so they haven't been cropped or corrected for color balance or had the wrinkles softened or the stray hairs removed or any of that technical stuff. Which one is the best? Which is the runner up? (Be kind. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Of course, you could like none of them, but please be kind and/or brief in your rejection.)

Examples:

GOOD: I don't think they capture the real you.
BAD: You look like an old, tacky whore.
GOOD: I think you look better in person.
BAD: Do you have a drinking problem?

Oh... and don't trash the photographer. I'm married to him... And I am a very difficult model... and he's endured a lot already.

BTW: #736 (or the "Wine Shot") was taken between photos... we didn't pose one that way, it's totally candid. Got the idea? Good. Let's begin. Thanks in advance.

# 841


# 788


# 766


# 760


# 756


# 728


# 736


# 699


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Disturbing "Fan" Letter

I received this little note via Facebook.
salutations- a few weeks ago when i friended you i heard what i beleive was you on xm/ sirius radio on the comedy channel in my car. i think it was you, but i was tripping so hard on acid i can't be sure. the lady was talking about va-jay jay's and giving a kidney to some one. i laughed so hard i shit myself, for real. was that you? i really need to know so i can send you the bill to get my car reapolstered. you see i love indian and thai curry and that night was extra special. i was having a curry tasting party with some friends, there was green curry, yellow curry and red curry, all extra spicy. on my way home i took some acid knowing i was only 20 minutes worth of driving so i had at least an additional 30 minutes of tripping free safe time. well i got stuck in the chicago traffic for over 2 fucking hours, which may not be your fault but what happened next is. some lady with a screeching crackling voice loosened all of the spicy curry from the walls of my intestions. all the laughing i was doing made me shit all over. the worst part was that i was wearing swim trunks, without under wear on. so the netting in my trunks acted as a strainer to the liquid shit. the brown water got into my seat heater which was on to dry the butt lava, but instead it shorted it out and caused a little fire, no biggie but keep in mind i was on lsd, wearing swim trunks on a chicago highway stuck in traffic in december. i managed to get my car to the break down lane fairly easy. but when i got out of my car my built in strainer went on strike and dropped it contents on my feet. it was bad. long story short, i just got out of jail a week ago because i thought my shorts were on fire because my stomach and butt hurt so bad from laughing and i took the shorts off on the side of the highway. i was arrested for exposing my sex organ and blocking the emergency lane. true fucking story. thanks for the laugh.
My reply was short and sweet. "Sorry, it wasn't me. Send the bill to somebody else."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Starting Over

In honor of the anniversary of John Lennon's death, I am re-posting a short film my husband and I made a few years ago. Actually, it doesn't really honor his death... or his life... but it is pretty funny.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

No Awkward Silence

On Friday afternoon, I appeared on a Las Vegas internet video show called Awkward Silence. It's hosted by fellow comic Brandon Gooch Hahn. In the past, Hahn has interviewed Andrew Dice Clay, Gilbert Gottfried and Mark Curry. This week, he chose me. As I said to him when I entered the studio, "So, who canceled?"

It's a fun interview. I start blathering at the ten minute mark.

I'm not exactly happy with my appearance, however. Apparently, the camera adds ten pounds... to each thigh! Plus my face is so puffy I look like Jerry Lewis during his Prednisone days. Oh well. I guess the diet starts tomorrow.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Happy Anniversary To Us!

And by "Us" I mean hubby and me, not Us Weekly.

We've been married for 23 years. People always want to know the secret to a long marriage. I say, "You have to be married to me." Actually, there is no secret. Just like there is no secret to weight loss. To stay married, you have to do the marital equivalent of diet and exercise. I wish there was a relationship corollary to the lap band or Jenny Craig but there isn't. Besides, just like those quick weight loss schemes you would only wind up gaining all the unhappiness back and then some.

If you wonder what we're like at home, you can get a pretty good idea by listening to this interview we did the other day with our local NPR affiliate. I'm told it's "compelling, funny and informative." Of course, my friends drink.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

You Hold Her Down, I'll Take My Turn

Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like gang rape! Run, June, run!!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My Big Head On A Big Billboard!

We're on a billboard in Vegas. I feel like Nomi in Showgirls. Hubby and I will be performing at The Orleans in Las Vegas, November 3-5, 10-12, 17-19 and 24-26.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Just Wrong?

"Just Wrong" was the subject of an email I received back in May. It was sent to an old address so we just discovered it today. It's from an audience member who was at one of my shows.
Tracy,

I was at your show last night with my girlfriend in the front rows.

You asked if we were married ... NO

You asked if we were dating ... I said a year and a half.

You asked if I planned to marry that woman ... Perhaps

This was totally wrong of you to ask that in public. This is not the place or time for me to reveal that information.

In that situation, there are only wrong answers.

You should never do that again.
Here's my reply.
I just found your email. I didn't want you to think that I was too afraid or ashamed to answer. I would say that I'm sorry you were offended but I'm not. Man up! Have a sense of humor. Over the years, I have said the same thing to hundreds of men who were sitting in the front row. They laughed. Why? Because it's a comedy club and I'm a comedian. If you took me seriously-- or if your girlfriend took me seriously-- then you are the ones with the problem. Next time I suggest you lie. I don't know you so I wouldn't know the difference. See how this works?
I dashed it off quickly so, admittedly, it's not my best work. But I think I made my point. It'll be interesting to see if he replies. I'm guessing he'll be apoplectic shortly after reading the third sentence. The man seems to have issues.

But, he's right, there are only wrong answers in that situation. That's what makes it funny.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Goodwill Has The Best Jesus Portraits

Just when I thought I would never top Jesus Job Interview I stumbled upon a painting I like to call "Jesus' 1976 Yearbook Photo."



It turns out Jesus was Captain of the swim team which hardly seems fair with the whole walking on water trick.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Purple Reign

As we were standing in line to see Purple Reign at Hooters, a miserable woman walked past and said to her equally miserable male companion, "These people are such idiots. They don't know they're not seeing the real Prince. If they're going to be that dumb I'm not going to tell them."

Wow! Being the smartest person in the world must be such a burden for her.

We should have run after her and yelled, "What do you mean it's not the real Prince?! They should call it Purple Reign of Terror! This is an outrage! Hooters will be hearing from our lawyer!"

I'm pretty sure even the elderly Japanese couple who didn't speak English understood they were seeing a tribute band and not the real thing. To quote my favorite philosopher Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon!"

I really like Prince's music so I had been wanting to see Purple Reign for quite some time. A few months ago, a friend of mine went for her 40th birthday. She was a bit disappointed in the show. She explained that she didn't like the part where he performed as some sort of alter ego doing original material. Turns out, it wasn't an "alter ego doing original material." It was a Morris Day impersonator! She just didn't know the music of Morris Day! I think "Cool" is one of the greatest funk songs of all time so I was thrilled!

The show is great. Unfortunately, our crowd was turd-like so it didn't have the party atmosphere that is present on many nights but, as performers, we enjoyed watching the band deal with our lack of energy.

My husband didn't help matters. He's the worst audience member because he just sits there and studies everything. He'll spend five minutes fixated on the guitar player's hands or tracking the movements of the tech dudes. In fact, during "1999" I stood in front of him so the performers wouldn't notice that he wasn't up dancing. For the record, he loved the show. But, as I said to him, "I can never tell."

I knew most of the lyrics-- from both Prince and Morris Day- so I just happily sang along.

Watching Purple Reign was one of the few moments in my life when I wished I had a boat load of cash. Hiring these guys for my birthday party would be amazing. Oh wait, I'm not having a birthday party. I'll be working that night at Stitches in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Get your tickets now. I promise it won't be a Traci Skene tribute act.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

In The Gutter

We went bowling last night. Which means I'll have the Dickies' "Bowling With Bedrock Barney" stuck in my head for the next few days.



At the Orleans Casino here in Las Vegas, you can bowl at midnight for one dollar per game. Throw in an extra three bucks for shoes and a party of two can cause mayhem on a lane for the price of a Hamilton. (How sad that I had to look up who is on the ten dollar bill! My husband said Jefferson. I had absolutely no idea. Yet, I know Ben Franklin's puss adorns the hundred even though I spend far more Hamiltons than Franklins. Strange.)

I hadn't bowled since breaking my elbow 18 months ago. I was afraid my arm wouldn't hold up.

I don't bowl very often but, when I do, I tend to follow an almost identical pattern: first game I score in the 70's, second game I remember how to bowl and manage to post and respectable 150 plus, third game my arm it tired so I bowl another 70.

Last night, I had two gutter balls in the first frame. Second frame, another two gutter balls. Third frame I knocked down one pin then followed it up with a trip down gutter lane.

I wanted to rip off my elbow brace and quit but my husband wouldn't let me. He said, "You're not a quitter. Oh wait, yes you are." He still made me keep bowling.

Now, I'm not one of those obnoxious people who has to win at everything but I am accustomed to being pretty good at all things sports related. I don't even mind coming in last place if I'm still happy with my performance. But the thing I hate most of all is pity. By frame number three the other nine people in my group were starting to feel sorry for me. They weren't even busting my balls anymore. It was humiliating. I was in hell.

When I knocked down a few pins in frame number four my group cheered. It was horrible.

Finally, I started to figure out how to compensate for my arm. Instead of going for my usual hook, I threw the ball right down the middle. By the end of the first game I had brought my score up to 71. Not bad considering my disastrous first half.

In the second game, I was actually leading for awhile but then my arm started to hurt. I finished with a 117.

We bowled for 2 1/2 hours. For the last two hours I had a blast.

My arm is pretty achy and fatigued today but nothing an Aleve can't fix. I'm just glad I've regained most of my mobility. I suppose that's the real victory.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Birthday Boy!

It's hubby's birthday today! Unlike most showbizzy folks, he isn't ashamed to tell his real age. He's 54... which is the new 53 1/2.



For his birthday, hubby bought a bike... for me! It's a red Fuji folding mountain bike which matches his red Fuji folding mountain bike which now makes us the psycho couple who ride matching bikes.

The only difference is my bike has a Marlboro logo. It seems that years ago Marlboro gave away bikes in exchange for box tops. A guy on Craig's List was selling one in mint condition for the price of about 100 mints. I like the Marlboro logo because when people see my labored breathing they'll just assume I'm a six pack per day smoker. It's a bike with a built in excuse.

We went for a ride this morning. Yesterday, hubby discovered a ten mile trail not far from where we live. We took the wrong street route to the trail head so I was practically suffering from heat exhaustion by the time we got there. (It is July in the desert, after all!) But, on the way back, we found a much better aka cooler aka more scenic way to join the bike path.

We had a good time anyway. We followed up the biking with a splash in the pool and a three hour coma. So far, he's enjoying his birthday immensely!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Major Award

Several years ago, we trash picked a mid-century daybed from an old Victorian house near our place in New Jersey. We loved the design but the cushions were hideous. As we were strapping the wooden structure to the top of our car I said to my husband, "I'm only bringing this home if we get new cushions made immediately."

Did you notice that I started out this post by saying, "Several years ago"?

During the first year I nagged. "When are you going to order the cushions?" In year number two I threatened. "We're not inviting anybody over until you fix this eyesore!" The third year I was sad. "You have no idea how much stress this is causing me."

Now, you may be wondering why I didn't just order them myself. It's simple. My husband didn't trust my ability to measure properly and since I barely passed geometry I couldn't put up much of an argument.

Finally, we placed the order. I'm pretty happy with the results.



Similar mid-century daybeds sell on Ebay for close to a thousand dollars. Our rehab cost less than three hundred.

Now I no longer have the same look on my face as the mother in A Christmas Story had each time she gazed upon the infamous leg lamp. Although, the leg lamp would fit right in with our decor.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Cat Means Won't

There have only been a few times in my life where I've laughed so hard in public I thought I was going to hurl. Two of those times involved animal acts. The dead-behind-the-eyeballs look on the bears at the Moscow Circus had me convulsing with laughter. And when I watched two poodles getting married at Circus Circus I thought my husband was going to have to carry me out of the building.

So, years ago, when I saw an ad for the Popovich Comedy Pet Theater I knew it was a show I had to see. But, since I'm also in the entertainment business, I also knew it was a show I had to see for free.

Yesterday, both my wishes came true.

While I didn't guffaw to the point of near death, I did laugh pretty hard throughout the entire show. Gregory Popovich, who was a juggler and clown in the Moscow Circus (I wonder if he knew the bears?) is a great entertainer who seems to love his furry partners. The fact that he can make cats do anything but pee on your keyboard is astounding. Most people can't even train their cats to come out of the basement.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Mmm Mmm Bad

My poor husband. He's crushed. Crushed like the thousands of tomatoes that wind up in cans of Campbell's condensed soup.

As we were walking through our neighborhood 99 Cent Store earlier today he noticed that the Campbell Soup packaging has been changed. Gone is the familiar image made so famous by Andy Warhol! Gone is the gold medal seal from the 1900 Paris Exhibition! Gone is my husband's bragging rights! Sacrilege!

The gold medal seal, which has been used by the Campbell company for over 100 years, was actually won by my husband's great-grandfather who was their first executive chef.

Here is my great-grandfather-in-law in an early Campbell's ad.



In the box titled "France Honors Him" it states, "Louis Charles Delisle, head chef emeritus of the Campbell Soup Company, was decorated by France with the Cross of Chevalier du Merite, Agricole. For adding new fame to French cookery by the making of Campbell's Soups."

Apparently, a gold medal from France isn't as impressive in 2011 as it was in 1900. I blame Jerry Lewis. Their love of him clearly devalued the brand.

We bought a can of Cream of Mushroom because it was the only can in the whole joint that still had the original design. Plus we won't ever be tempted to open it up because hubby doesn't like Cream of Mushroom Soup (Sorry Louis) and I can't eat gluten.

Family legend has it that Louis had the choice of a steady salary or one penny per can. He took the salary which is why my husband isn't heir to a soup fortune. It's also why we shop at the 99 Cent Store.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The House I Live In

I'm always annoyed when anti-American songs are played during 4th of July fireworks displays just because they have the words "American" or "USA" in the chorus. "American Woman" and "Born in the USA" are about as patriotic "The Internationale."

Even worse are the seemingly pro-USA tunes that actually have a creamy sinister center.

In 1975, my elementary school music teacher taught us the Frank Sinatra hit "The House I Live In" for a jingoistic (I'm sure that's how she referred to it in the teacher's lounge) recital. If you think "The House I Live In" is annoying when the Chairman of the Board croons the insipid melody you should hear it when a bunch of bored ten-year-olds try to out shout the ballad.

I decided to hop on to YouTube to find the Sinatra version but was stunned when a video of Paul Robeson appeared on the list.

I said to my husband, "Robeson?! Did my 5th grade teacher force a bunch of inner-city kids to sing a Commie song?!"



Sure enough, we found this little bit of information on Wikipedia.
The lyrics were written in 1943 by Abel Meeropol under the pen name Lewis Allen. (Meeropol later adopted Michael and Robert, the two orphaned sons of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg after the 1953 execution of the couple.)
Adopted the Rosenberg kids?! He wasn't just a Commie he was a Super Commie! I'm surprised he didn't wear a cape.
The music was written by Earl Robinson. Robinson was later blacklisted during the McCarthy era for being a member of the Communist Party. He also wrote campaign songs for the presidential campaigns of Franklin D. Roosevelt, Henry Wallace, and, in 1984, Jesse Jackson.
My head, she spins.

Thanks Mrs, G! I hope you had fun manipulating your little useful idiots.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Greetings From Cozumel

I'm at the No Name Bar at the Barracuda Hotel in Cozumel, Mexico, drinking a moderately priced margarita and sucking up free WIFI. I'm sitting next to the pool so, as long as somebody doesn't do a cannon ball, I should be okay.

When I logged on to Blogger the directions were all in Spanish. I just started clicking on various Spanish words until I got to a page I recognized. Who needs English?

We're in port for four more hours. The weather is craptastic but since I'm not paying for the cruise I couldn't care less.

I had a very strange PG show the other night. The front row was dominated by unsupervised children, two of whom had made my husband's life difficult during his show which was one hour prior to mine. The ten-year-old obnoxious boy actually said to me, "You know, I was a bigger part of the other show."

His six-year-old little sister did a running commentary throughout my entire set. "I didn't get that joke." "I got that joke." "What does that mean?" Finally, she said perhaps the strangest things an audience member has ever said to me, "Do you want a sandwich?"

I leaned forward, "What did you say?" With even more enthusiasm she said even louder. "Do you want a sandwich?" I thought for a second and said, "Oddly enough, I do want a sandwich."

Of course, I should have said to her, "Yes, why don't you go make me one." But I think her parents would have been pissed. But, of course, her parents shouldn't have let her try to ruin two shows!

(Oh dear, a European crew member just walked past wearing a rather revealing bathing suit. My husband said, "I can't unsee that.")

This drink is pretty strong. The humidity is 94 percent. I should be face first in a puddle of drool in any moment. I could use a sandwich!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Check Yes Or No

As you can imagine, security on cruise ships is quite tight. Just like in an airport, shoes are scanned, luggage is checked and passports are examined. But there is one little difference. Performers on cruise ships-- and perhaps the passengers as well but I wouldn't know-- are asked a strange and unexpected question.

Have you had diarrhea within the past 24 hours?

Um, no.

You would think a simple denial would suffice but performers are asked to sign an affidavit swearing that no diarrhea has left their person in the previous day.

Then we're shuttled about 20 feet over to another security guard who asks us the same question.

Have you had diarrhea within the past 24 hours?

I wanted to say, "Well, unless I shit my pants as I was crossing the room, the answer is still no." Instead I said, "Um, no."

I'm not sure why we're asked twice. Is to catch somebody in a lie? "Oh, you said diarrhea? I thought you said gonorrhea!"

Not sure what would happen if I said yes to diarrhea... or gonorrhea for that matter. I guess they wouldn't let me on the ship.

But, they have to understand, I'm Scottish and Scots are notoriously shy when it comes to all things defecation. I'm not sure I could tell them even if it were true.

I'm at the airport right now. I sure hope another passenger is looking over my shoulder as I typed diarrhea, gonorrhea and defecate into spell check. Especially if it's somebody who is sitting next to me on the flight.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

His Brain Can Be Used As A Flotation Device

Comedy colleague, Facebook friend and fellow Eagle's fan, Erin Jackson, found herself careening down an evacuation slide when her Delta flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles was forced to make an emergency landing. During take-off one of the engines caught fire. Some of the passengers reported seeing a flash. Others probably saw their lives flash before their eyes. No doubt all were sorry they read Sky Mall Magazine instead of reviewing the emergency procedures located in the seat pocket in front of them.

I left the following comment on her Facebook status update.
Scary. When I fly, I always dress for a fire... long pants, long sleeve shirt, hiking shoes and a hat. People think I'm crazy. But I'm not running from a burning plane wearing flip-flops and a dress. Glad you're okay.

A Facebook friend of hers responded.
TIL that crazy people pick their disaster scenario outfits.

BTW, "TIL" means "Today I learned." BTW, "BTW" means "By the way."

I shot back.
I'm not crazy. Countless travel articles have talked about the dangers of wearing shorts, flip flops, etc. in the event of a plane crash. Keeping fire off your skin for even a few seconds can mean the difference between life and death. I fly frequently so I have to think about these things.

He kept up the assault.
Please tell me that you also wear this uniform when you drive. You're much more likely to need to worry in a car.I (used) to fly frequently and I /never/ thought about these things. I got myself an exit row and planned to be outside of it when the time came.

Now I'm pissed but I managed to keep my cool
Erin didn't just post about being in a car accident. She posted about being in a plane that caught on fire. Hence my comment about what to wear when you fly. Don't be a jerk.

The creepy know-it-all wouldn't back down.
Traci, my brother is a pilot. I'm well aware of the risks associated with flight. My point is that if you're worried about your outfit, you'd do better to worry about your plan to get out of the plane if your concern is survival. You aren't going to be killed by fire; you're WAY more likely to be suffocated by smoke. Go and do the research.

Go and do the research?! How 'bout you go (insert appropriate curse word that begins with an "F" here) yourself?

For the record, Erin had to run away from a burning plane while wearing flip-flops.

My uniform, as Douchey McDouchebag mockingly called it, is much cuter than it sounds: black pants, jaunty cap, maroon jacket. It is, by design, practical yet stylish.

Most flyers dress so poorly they deserve to have their clothes burned off their backs. In fact, why is it the worse dressed passengers are always at baggage claim picking up the biggest suitcases? I always think, "If that's what they're wearing, what the heck is in there?!" I start to hope the suitcase is stuffed with a dead body.

Aesthetics aside, flip-flops are perhaps the worst footwear choice for flying. Certainly, you can get through airport security a millisecond faster than those of us wearing actual shoes, but it leaves your feet open to all sorts of abuse... cold, germs, crushed toes. Plus running in flip-flops is only fun if you're drunk.

And, don't get me started about having to look at a strange man's hairy toes. I saw a guy whose big toe was so hairy it looked like an Ewok!

I'm glad Erin made it out safely. As for me, I will continue to wear my uniform when I fly the friendly skies. But I think I'll pass on the inflight internet. I don't need to get into a Facebook feud at 30,000 feet.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What I Did On My Blogging Vacation

I can't believe it's been 7 1/2 months since my last blog post. (My blatant plug for our book notwithstanding.) All three of my readers must have missed me terribly.

Blogger burnout is a common phenomenon. What begins as a labor of love can quickly turn into an annoying obligation. Once the bloom falls off the blogging rose it's hard to rekindle the passion.

When I fell and broke my elbow back in March of 2010, I somehow continued to blog even though I was typing one-handed for weeks and then two-handed, but in much pain, for several weeks more. That's when Road Atlas Shrugged started to feel like a chore.

In the summer of last year, I devoted much of my time to promoting, via the blogosphere, our appearances on Last Comic Standing. This bit of self-aggrandizing, oddly enough, annoyed some of my readers and many of my Twitter followers. This, in turn, annoyed me greatly. If I can't brag about being on primetime network television then what can I brag about?!

Deep breath... let's not get upset again... it's been 12 months.

Okay, better now.

My posts dwindled to once a week in August and September, once a month in October then completely fell off the cyber table in November. Blogging-wise, I could no longer get it up... so to speak... if I were a guy.

But, the truth is, I was also busy doing other things.

Back in November, we were contacted by a publisher to write a book which resulted in The Comedy Bible. (Available October 1! See below.) In December, hubby and I started performing on cruise ships which meant bad internet access for days at a time. Then in January, we packed up our belongings and moved to Las Vegas. All would have made for very interesting blog posts (unlike this one) but my pea brain could only handle so much at one time.

Now that my life has settled down a bit I'm going to attempt to jump back on the blogging horse.

I'm sure all three of my former readers will be very excited.

Our Book Release Date Is October 1, 2011!

You can pre-order The Comedy Bible on Amazon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

WWJD

I saw this painting at a local Goodwill. I call it "Jesus Job Interview." "So," says Jesus, "where do you see yourself in five years?"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Not Good And Not Good For You

I had no idea that Hot Pockets and frozen pizza were considered "Nutritional Items." Any chance this supermarket is owned by a 14 year-old boy?